best friend's wife (uh-oh)

[Sage]

Maybe if you added a third, it would?

Perhaps you should invite your friend in. Or convince her to convince him to invite you in.

Then you could be a happy little polyamorous gaggle.

I'm sure that'll work out right.

i might've jokingly suggested it in the past to test the waters...


anyhow, she's comming over to my place at 5:30 today to finish going over her paper, then we're going to get something to eat. Dunno if Tim is going to be able to join us for dinner or not.

 

[digitalwanderer]

Anyone know what the word "baka" means?

 

[Reverend]

Man, I'd been looking hard for a good review of "When Harry Met Sally". Thanks guys!

 

[Sage]

ok she came over, we went to dinner, did her paper, went for a walk. things were akward at times but overall it was ok. she didnt want to leave and i didnt want her to leave but we both knew that there would be ramifications if she didnt and so she did without any troubble. we both agreed that being friends will be hard at times but we can do it.

 

[nutball]

Ack, that sounds bad, you two really do want to jump each others bones don't you. Just leaving "because there would be ramifications" is asking for trouble.

Have you thought about cold turkey? It can work in these situations. Just avoid each other for three months.

 

[Reverend]

we both agreed that being friends will be hard at times but we can do it.

Y'know, I'd actually spent quite a bit time thinking about this.

I could go on and on about this but the bottom line for me as far as such, um, "situations" go is that if they don't have any kids, then it isn't, um, "as bad". If they have kids, then just be disciplined and tell her you don't want to see her anymore.

 

[ZoinKs!]

ok she came over, we went to dinner, did her paper, went for a walk. things were akward at times but overall it was ok. she didnt want to leave and i didnt want her to leave but we both knew that there would be ramifications if she didnt and so she did without any troubble. we both agreed that being friends will be hard at times but we can do it.

Add some alcohol, drugs, or some sort of emotional/hormonal swing, and then it'll all be over. This is a trainwreck that wants to happen.

And even if you don't give in to anything physical, damage is being done to their marriage. An emotional bond that she should have with her husband would instead be forming with someone else. Her relationship to her husbanc will be weakened and possibly broken.

Don't do this.

 

[Bouncing Zabaglione Bros.]

ok she came over, we went to dinner, did her paper, went for a walk. things were akward at times but overall it was ok. she didnt want to leave and i didnt want her to leave but we both knew that there would be ramifications if she didnt and so she did without any troubble. we both agreed that being friends will be hard at times but we can do it.

Yeah, telling people they can't have what they want doesn't make it any more attractive at all! As i said earlier, you are already having an affair, you are already breaking up their marriage - just you haven't had sex with her (yet). If you are serious about not trashing your "best friend's" marriage, you'll make sure you're not alone with his wife like this.

You seem to think that everything's okay as long as you are not actually porking your friend's old lady, but in fact you are already ruining their marriage just by what you are doing. As has been previously said, she is building an intimate emotional relationship with you while she is excluding her husband from that. She's getting closer to you, whilst getting more distant from her husband.

Tell me, why would you come to this forum and tell us about this? Are you looking for some kind of support to bolster your current viewpoint of "not having sex with her", or do you want our tacit approval to have hot monkey sex with your friend's wife? You seem to be determined to play the nice guy, but you're ignoring what is actually going on and how you are actually betraying your friend whilst pretending nothing illicit is happening. You're just fooling yourself because (a) you like her, and (b) you're not the nice guy you are pretending to be.

 

[_xxx_]

You're just fooling yourself because (a) you like her, and (b) you're not the nice guy you are pretending to be.

Yup, well said.

 

[silence]

You're just fooling yourself because (a) you like her, and (b) you're not the nice guy you are pretending to be.

Yup, well said.

i think BZB hit the nail.... i wasnt posting here, but i was reading and i was waiting for someone to write just what BZB did.....

 

[Mariner]

Ignoring all the drama, if you do get your oats, be sure to give her one for me!

 

[nutball]

Aye. You gotta choose between

a) Cold Turkey
b) Hot Monkey

"You chose the wrong day to give up meat" (to paraphrase a movie).

 

[Sage]

so you guys are saying that a person who is married cannot have a close friend other than their husband / wife because that is emotionally cheating and damaging to their marriage?



edit:
and the reason im here talking about this is because i need to get my feeligns out so that they dont build up and screw with my head.

 

[_xxx_]

so you guys are saying that a person who is married cannot have a close friend other than their husband / wife because that is emotionally cheating and damaging to their marriage?

The term "friend" is wrong in this context.

 

[Bouncing Zabaglione Bros.]

so you guys are saying that a person who is married cannot have a close friend other than their husband / wife because that is emotionally cheating and damaging to their marriage?

This isn't about close friendships. This is about two people wanting to make like bunny rabbits and have a relationship, but with the added complication that one of you is married. It is the way you are doing it. Instead of fixing their problems, the husband is unhappy because the wife is spending all her time and emotions with you. The wife is more interested in having an emotional relationship with you than fixing her marriage.

It's not like everyone is happy here and nothing is going to happen. You are attracted to the wife and made no secret of it. The wife is attracted to you and made no secret of it. The husband is unhappy that all this is happening and has had an affair to help drive the wife towards you. He's being hurt and betrayed by her in the same way she's just been hurt and betrayed by him.

You pretending nothing is wrong and you're not having an effect on their marriage is deceiving yourself. You can stop with all the BS about "can't a man and a woman just be friends" because you've already shown this is not the case. You want to screw this woman and have made no secret of it. You've opened the door and invited her to make the moves. She's told you she wants to, but her husband is in the way.

If you keep putting yourself in situations where you basically are having quiet romantic little dates where you share intimacies, it's only a matter of time before you do the dirty on your "best" friend.

How long do you think it's going to be before you convince yourself that the husband is making the wife unhappy and is no good for her? How long before she throws herself at you and convinced you that it's "all right" and it's "what she wants" ? You going to walk away when she's spent days/weeks/months getting close to you, showing you how great you are together, and then turns up naked in your bed?

Man, you are so niave I just want to slap you. Worst of all, you're convincing youself that you are in control of the situation for the sake of your best friend, when you still put yourself in positions that are going to hurt their marriage, tie the wife more closely to you emotionally, and make it more likely you will do the beast with two backs.

If they get divorced in the next year, you can convince yourself that you didn't actually do the breaking, but you sure as hell are contributing to the major faultlines.

 

[_xxx_]

Damn, be a man - just f**k her or stop contacting her. There are no other options.

 

[Sage]

The husband is unhappy that all this is happening and has had an affair to help drive the wife towards you. He's being hurt and betrayed by her in the same way she's just been hurt and betrayed by him.

noooonooonooooo whatever it was with him was long time ago, I've only known them for about 3 or 4 months. his affair had nothing to do with me for sure!


and as for the rest of what you said... we've already brought up the fact that even if he wasnt around nothing serious could work out between us since we're just at different points in our lives. Also, in about a month I'm moving about 40 minutes away from where I am now SO, I will then be about an hour away from them. I will also be surrounded by girls. She and I won't be seeing as much of each other at all. Probably still talk online and on the phone, do group stuff together occasionally, but otherwise not really have emotionally-intimate encounters. Additionally, I am moving to Austin in about a year and so will be even further away. I dont see a reason to just go "cold turkey" and never talk to her again. Things are going to drop off between us naturally pretty soon so there's no reason to make it unpleasant by forcing things.

 

[Nite_Hawk]

we've already brought up the fact that even if he wasnt around nothing serious could work out between us since we're just at different points in our lives.

Don't you think the fact that you've had this conversation with her means that something other than just being friends is going on? I agree with you in some ways, you can be sexually attracted to a woman, and be her friend, and it can work. The problem is that you're relationship with her isn't just sexual attraction, and it isn't just friendship. If nothing else, think about the torment she must be going through knowing that she is unhappy with her marriage but bound to it, and at the same time happier with you but can't have you. By staying in this state of limbo you only bring pain to yourselves and each other. That is why everyone is telling you to either get on with it, or end it.

Also, in about a month I'm moving about 40 minutes away from where I am now SO, I will then be about an hour away from them. I will also be surrounded by girls. She and I won't be seeing as much of each other at all. Probably still talk online and on the phone, do group stuff together occasionally, but otherwise not really have emotionally-intimate encounters. Additionally, I am moving to Austin in about a year and so will be even further away. I dont see a reason to just go "cold turkey" and never talk to her again. Things are going to drop off between us naturally pretty soon so there's no reason to make it unpleasant by forcing things.

In some cases, not drawing attention to it and letting it slide is a good idea. In this case, you still have a month to screw things up, which is a big opportunity. For the next month you should atleast restrict the kinds of activities you do together. Think of it as a "getting used to not being with her phase". Probably the best thing you can do for your friendship is to go out with other people so she can get used to the idea that you aren't hers. It will be a big shock for her if you start dating all kinds of girls when you move.

Nite_Hawk

 

[Sage]

Probably the best thing you can do for your friendship is to go out with other people so she can get used to the idea that you aren't hers. It will be a big shock for her if you start dating all kinds of girls when you move.

Well actually she's already set me up a few times with one of her friends and I've gone on a date or two with her friend + Kim and Tim. Also, I'm very open about making comments about other women when I'm talking to her. Hell, she asks me sometimes. And also she is very much aware that I'm going to be getting LOTS of attention in school and told me that I am at a point in my life where she knows I want to do a lot of exploration and meet a lot of womena, and that she thinks its good for me to do.

 

[Bouncing Zabaglione Bros.]

noooonooonooooo whatever it was with him was long time ago, I've only known them for about 3 or 4 months. his affair had nothing to do with me for sure!

You said she's only recently found out about it, so for her it happening now.