Post a good joke
- Thread starter hey69
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pocketmoon66
Newcomer
One my 6 year old told me...
A man walks to his local shop only to find it shut.
He bangs on the door until the shopkeeper peers out from an upstairs window.
"Hey! Stop banging on my door!" Shouts the shopkeeper.
"Why aren't you open?" Replies the man, "It says here you're open 24 hours."
and the shopkeeper says,
"Well,yes, but not all in a row..."
A man walks to his local shop only to find it shut.
He bangs on the door until the shopkeeper peers out from an upstairs window.
"Hey! Stop banging on my door!" Shouts the shopkeeper.
"Why aren't you open?" Replies the man, "It says here you're open 24 hours."
and the shopkeeper says,
"Well,yes, but not all in a row..."
pocketmoon66
Newcomer
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and go to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes wakes Watson up:
“Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce.â€
Watson says, “I see millions of stars, and perhaps a few of those stars have planets. If only a tiny fraction of those planets are capable of supporting life, the chances are that somewhere else in our galaxy intelligent life exists. From this I deduce that we are not alone in the universe.â€
Holmes replies: “No Watson, you idiot, somebody stole our tent!â€
“Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce.â€
Watson says, “I see millions of stars, and perhaps a few of those stars have planets. If only a tiny fraction of those planets are capable of supporting life, the chances are that somewhere else in our galaxy intelligent life exists. From this I deduce that we are not alone in the universe.â€
Holmes replies: “No Watson, you idiot, somebody stole our tent!â€
BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN SPOILERS BELOW:
Heath Ledger gets it in the end.
Heath Ledger gets it in the end.
yo mama:
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Yo mama's underwear is so full of holes that every time she farts they whistle
Yo mama's so poor she can't afford to pay attention.
Yo' Mama is so old, when I told her to act her age she died
Your mama is so fat, that she uses the refrigerator for her lunch box
Yo Moma So Old .......
she left her purse on Noah's Ark.
Jurassic Park brought back the memories...
when she ran the 100 metre dash, they timed her with a sundial.
she still owes Moses a dollar.
when she was at school...there was No history class!
she uses her hot flushes to heat her cup of Tea
she co-wrote the 4th Commandment.
when I asked for her ID she handed me a rock
she even made Yoda jealous.
she recalls when the Grand Canyon was a ditch.
the fire department are on standby when you light her birthday cake
when she gave birth, You came out with Dentures.
she sat in front of Jesus in 1st grade
her first job was as Cain and Abel's baby-sitter.
her birthday expired.
when Moses parted the Red Sea, he found yo momma fishing on the other side!
she got the first copy of the Ten Commandments.
You Momma so old she invented these Crazy Pranks & Hilarious Gags
Anything Yo's - So Old ..
Yo Grandpa so old his social security number is 000-000-001
Yo Priest so old he's got Adam and Eve's autograph
Yo Archeology Professor so old we found cave drawings of her.
Your Wife getting so old she startin to fart out Mummy dust
You Postman so damn old his zip code is 00001.
Yo' geeky Star Wars friend so old he used to baby sit Yoda
Yo Doctor so old he uses chewing gum as a bandaid.
Yo hairdresser so old she used to cut Betty Rubble's hair
You so old you used to gang bang wid the Flintstones
Yo' home helper so old she was once a waitress at the last supper
Yo Grannie so old Spielberg hired her as historical consultant on Jurassic Park
Yo Nana so old she the only Creature in Jurassic Park they never had to animate
You Gardener so old she uses T-Rex dropping as fertilizer.
Yo History teacher so damn old he was co-author of the Dead Sea scrolls
Your Aunties so old that when God said 'let there be light', she was the one flicking on the light switch.
Yo Math teacher so old he baby-sat for Pythagorus
Yo Minister so old he used to get sermon tips from Zeus.
Yo Bookie so old he offered odds of 4 to 1 on Adam eating the apple
Yo Poppa so old and ugly they call him Captain Caveman
Yo sister so old she's more ancient than everything seen on the Antiques Road Show
yo' Mother in law so old she the only one at the old folks home with a senior citizens discount.
Yo' Papa so ancient that Mel Gibson hired him to offer insights on what life was like with William Wallace
I told yo big sister to act her own age...and she died.
You Dog so old it farts out dust.
Yo Boyfriend so old his birth certificate says "Expired" on it.
Yo Computer geek friend so old he used to babysit Pascal
Your Girlfriend's so old, she invented the term 'oldest profession in the world'
Yo' mother-in-law so ancient she's in Jesus's yearbook!
Yo Gardener's so damn old he remembers when the Garden of Eden was just a plant
Yo' big brother so old, he used to run Track with dinosaurs.
Your mother-in-law so freakin old she's got ROman Numerals on her birth certificate
------------
Yo mama's underwear is so full of holes that every time she farts they whistle
Yo mama's so poor she can't afford to pay attention.
Yo' Mama is so old, when I told her to act her age she died
Your mama is so fat, that she uses the refrigerator for her lunch box
Yo Moma So Old .......
she left her purse on Noah's Ark.
Jurassic Park brought back the memories...
when she ran the 100 metre dash, they timed her with a sundial.
she still owes Moses a dollar.
when she was at school...there was No history class!
she uses her hot flushes to heat her cup of Tea
she co-wrote the 4th Commandment.
when I asked for her ID she handed me a rock
she even made Yoda jealous.
she recalls when the Grand Canyon was a ditch.
the fire department are on standby when you light her birthday cake
when she gave birth, You came out with Dentures.
she sat in front of Jesus in 1st grade
her first job was as Cain and Abel's baby-sitter.
her birthday expired.
when Moses parted the Red Sea, he found yo momma fishing on the other side!
she got the first copy of the Ten Commandments.
You Momma so old she invented these Crazy Pranks & Hilarious Gags
Anything Yo's - So Old ..
Yo Grandpa so old his social security number is 000-000-001
Yo Priest so old he's got Adam and Eve's autograph
Yo Archeology Professor so old we found cave drawings of her.
Your Wife getting so old she startin to fart out Mummy dust
You Postman so damn old his zip code is 00001.
Yo' geeky Star Wars friend so old he used to baby sit Yoda
Yo Doctor so old he uses chewing gum as a bandaid.
Yo hairdresser so old she used to cut Betty Rubble's hair
You so old you used to gang bang wid the Flintstones
Yo' home helper so old she was once a waitress at the last supper
Yo Grannie so old Spielberg hired her as historical consultant on Jurassic Park
Yo Nana so old she the only Creature in Jurassic Park they never had to animate
You Gardener so old she uses T-Rex dropping as fertilizer.
Yo History teacher so damn old he was co-author of the Dead Sea scrolls
Your Aunties so old that when God said 'let there be light', she was the one flicking on the light switch.
Yo Math teacher so old he baby-sat for Pythagorus
Yo Minister so old he used to get sermon tips from Zeus.
Yo Bookie so old he offered odds of 4 to 1 on Adam eating the apple
Yo Poppa so old and ugly they call him Captain Caveman
Yo sister so old she's more ancient than everything seen on the Antiques Road Show
yo' Mother in law so old she the only one at the old folks home with a senior citizens discount.
Yo' Papa so ancient that Mel Gibson hired him to offer insights on what life was like with William Wallace
I told yo big sister to act her own age...and she died.
You Dog so old it farts out dust.
Yo Boyfriend so old his birth certificate says "Expired" on it.
Yo Computer geek friend so old he used to babysit Pascal
Your Girlfriend's so old, she invented the term 'oldest profession in the world'
Yo' mother-in-law so ancient she's in Jesus's yearbook!
Yo Gardener's so damn old he remembers when the Garden of Eden was just a plant
Yo' big brother so old, he used to run Track with dinosaurs.
Your mother-in-law so freakin old she's got ROman Numerals on her birth certificate
Two friends are sitting around on night smoking some pot and decide to go to the bar, but they realize they've smoked a lot more than they intended and they're pretty blazed. One of them puts on some sunglasses so no one can see how bloodshot his eyes are, and his friend thinks what a good idea that is and does the same since they don't want to draw too much attention to themselves.
Then he realizes he's having trouble seeing where he's going in the bar with the dark sunglasses on, so he goes out to his truck for his flashlight....
Then he realizes he's having trouble seeing where he's going in the bar with the dark sunglasses on, so he goes out to his truck for his flashlight....
blind guy wants a drink so he feels his way into a bar.
anyway so he gets to the bar and sits on a stool and orders a drink.
he raises his voice and says 'hey who wants to hear a blond joke?'... all of a sudden the bar is quiet! he looks around and wonders whats going on.
the person next to him says in a husky voice 'well, since your blind it is only fair that we tell you that you are in a female only bar. I am 220lbs and lift weights and I am blond. the bar tender is blond and has a shotgun under the bar. The bouncer is a blond kick boxer. There is a blond lady playing pool and she has her stick ready to smack you. Lastly, the cleaning lady is blond and will flush you down the toilet. So.... do you still want to tell your blond joke?'
the guy thinks for a minute and says 'nah... I dont want to have to explain it five times.'
anyway so he gets to the bar and sits on a stool and orders a drink.
he raises his voice and says 'hey who wants to hear a blond joke?'... all of a sudden the bar is quiet! he looks around and wonders whats going on.
the person next to him says in a husky voice 'well, since your blind it is only fair that we tell you that you are in a female only bar. I am 220lbs and lift weights and I am blond. the bar tender is blond and has a shotgun under the bar. The bouncer is a blond kick boxer. There is a blond lady playing pool and she has her stick ready to smack you. Lastly, the cleaning lady is blond and will flush you down the toilet. So.... do you still want to tell your blond joke?'
the guy thinks for a minute and says 'nah... I dont want to have to explain it five times.'
And one for all the family...
Three rats are relaxing in a bar. After a few jugs they start talking about how tough they are.
The first rat says, "When I woke up there was a matchbox of Rat-o-kill outside my hole. I ate the whole lot and didn't feel a thing". After a significant pause and a few more glasses, the second rat chips in, "When I got up this morning, there was an enormous rat trap with a huge piece of prime cheese for bait. I stepped up, caught the bar on my back, ate the cheese and slipped out without even a bruise". At this, the third rat gets up and heads for the door.
"Where are you going?" ask the two other rats. "Aw, I'm bored here... Think I'll go home and rape the cat again".
Three rats are relaxing in a bar. After a few jugs they start talking about how tough they are.
The first rat says, "When I woke up there was a matchbox of Rat-o-kill outside my hole. I ate the whole lot and didn't feel a thing". After a significant pause and a few more glasses, the second rat chips in, "When I got up this morning, there was an enormous rat trap with a huge piece of prime cheese for bait. I stepped up, caught the bar on my back, ate the cheese and slipped out without even a bruise". At this, the third rat gets up and heads for the door.
"Where are you going?" ask the two other rats. "Aw, I'm bored here... Think I'll go home and rape the cat again".
At the local hospital there was a lady patient that had been in a coma for five years. One day when the nurses were giving her a sponge bath they noticed that she had a physical response when they washed her genitals. Later that day when the lady's husband arrived for a visit they told him what had happened and suggested to him that oral sex may awaken her out of the coma. The husband closed the curtains surrounding her bed and a few minutes later came out with the sound of his wife's heart monitor signaling that she was dead. When the nurses asked what had happened he replied "I think she choked".
A guy comes home from a hard day at work...
Wife: "Honey, the light switch is broken, can you fix it?"
Husband: "Does it look like I have ELECTRICIAN written across my forehead? Get a beer and leave me alone."
the next day...
Wife: "Honey, the toilet is stopped up, can you fix it?"
Husband: "Does it look like I have PLUMBER written across my forehead? Get me a beer and leave me alone."
the next day...
Wife: "Honey, the door is coming off the hinges, can you fix it?"
Husband: "Does it look like I have CARPENTER written across my forehead? Get me a beer and leave me alone"
the next day... everything is fixed now.
Husband: "Honey, who fixed the light switch, the toilet and the door."
Wife: "Oh the neighbor came fix it."
Husband: "Oh cool, how much did he charge you?"
Wife: "Nothing."
Husband: "That's weird, that fat drunk is always looking for some kind of handout."
Wife: "Well all he ask of me is to bake him a cake..."
Husband: cutting her off "See told you he wanted something for it."
Wife: "... or to have sex with him."
Husband: laughing "So which one did you give him?"
Wife: "Does it look like I have BETTY CROCKER written across my forehead?"
Wife: " and he drunk your beer too."
Wife: "Honey, the light switch is broken, can you fix it?"
Husband: "Does it look like I have ELECTRICIAN written across my forehead? Get a beer and leave me alone."
the next day...
Wife: "Honey, the toilet is stopped up, can you fix it?"
Husband: "Does it look like I have PLUMBER written across my forehead? Get me a beer and leave me alone."
the next day...
Wife: "Honey, the door is coming off the hinges, can you fix it?"
Husband: "Does it look like I have CARPENTER written across my forehead? Get me a beer and leave me alone"
the next day... everything is fixed now.
Husband: "Honey, who fixed the light switch, the toilet and the door."
Wife: "Oh the neighbor came fix it."
Husband: "Oh cool, how much did he charge you?"
Wife: "Nothing."
Husband: "That's weird, that fat drunk is always looking for some kind of handout."
Wife: "Well all he ask of me is to bake him a cake..."
Husband: cutting her off "See told you he wanted something for it."
Wife: "... or to have sex with him."
Husband: laughing "So which one did you give him?"
Wife: "Does it look like I have BETTY CROCKER written across my forehead?"
Wife: " and he drunk your beer too."
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LMAO @nelg
Here's another one:
An armed robber breaks into a house. Going into the sleeping room, he sees that the couple is at home and awake. He then ties the man to a chair and the woman to the bed. Then he bows down to the woman, really close so the guy couldn't see what he was doing and whispers something in her ear. Then he disappears into the bathroom.
The man whispers to the woman: "Honey, if he tries to have sex with you, just go on with it and let it happen. I know it's terrible, but better to avoid making him angry. And don't worry, I love you and I can live with it."
The woman answers: "Well honey, he said he finds you cute and asked me where we have some vaseline. But don't worry, I love you too..."
Here's another one:
An armed robber breaks into a house. Going into the sleeping room, he sees that the couple is at home and awake. He then ties the man to a chair and the woman to the bed. Then he bows down to the woman, really close so the guy couldn't see what he was doing and whispers something in her ear. Then he disappears into the bathroom.
The man whispers to the woman: "Honey, if he tries to have sex with you, just go on with it and let it happen. I know it's terrible, but better to avoid making him angry. And don't worry, I love you and I can live with it."
The woman answers: "Well honey, he said he finds you cute and asked me where we have some vaseline. But don't worry, I love you too..."
Old and a bit rude:
-----------------------
An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome was strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one sunny afternoon.
Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window:
'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.
'Fucking get in there you cunt!' he says to himself and goes to the bar.
'Get the fucking manager of this pigshit middle class wank pit please you cock sucking cunt', he says to a somewhat startled barman.
The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says 'Yes you can you fucking fat assed piece of shit, I saw your shitty advert in the cunting window and I'm here to fucking audition...wanker!'
The manager is naturally a little put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic.
At the end the thrilled barman cries, 'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?'
'That song, you big nosed fucking twat, was called 'Excuse me prime minister but I just spunked in your fucking daughter's eye, and now the cunt's blind...'
'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little less lively maybe?'
'Fucking wanker...' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad of such beauty that it leaves the manager in tears.
The manager, through his teardrops asks him the title. 'That little number was called 'Sometimes when you fuck a bird up the shit box you get crap on your bell end.'
'I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?'
'Well there's my jazz number 'Do you want me to spit in your ringpiece', or there's the epic 'I don't give a fuck if you're older my dear, you've still got fucking cracking jugs'.
'Look' says the manager, 'I think you're a superb pianist but the title of your songs are a little dodgy, to say the least. I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.'
'Fuck it' says the pianist 'Why cunting not?'
On his first night everything is going superbly and the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is simply being received as modesty. The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage.
During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard-on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he has shot his load he hears himself being re-introduced over the sound system, so he rushes back to the stage to finish his act.
After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him.
'Hi' she says.
'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives.
She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your cock is hanging out of your trousers and spunk is dribbling onto your shoes?'
Placing his beer confidently on the bar, the pianist grins, looks her square in the eye and yells 'Know it? - 'I fucking wrote it!!'
-----------
Cheers
-----------------------
An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome was strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one sunny afternoon.
Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window:
'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.
'Fucking get in there you cunt!' he says to himself and goes to the bar.
'Get the fucking manager of this pigshit middle class wank pit please you cock sucking cunt', he says to a somewhat startled barman.
The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says 'Yes you can you fucking fat assed piece of shit, I saw your shitty advert in the cunting window and I'm here to fucking audition...wanker!'
The manager is naturally a little put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic.
At the end the thrilled barman cries, 'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?'
'That song, you big nosed fucking twat, was called 'Excuse me prime minister but I just spunked in your fucking daughter's eye, and now the cunt's blind...'
'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little less lively maybe?'
'Fucking wanker...' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad of such beauty that it leaves the manager in tears.
The manager, through his teardrops asks him the title. 'That little number was called 'Sometimes when you fuck a bird up the shit box you get crap on your bell end.'
'I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?'
'Well there's my jazz number 'Do you want me to spit in your ringpiece', or there's the epic 'I don't give a fuck if you're older my dear, you've still got fucking cracking jugs'.
'Look' says the manager, 'I think you're a superb pianist but the title of your songs are a little dodgy, to say the least. I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.'
'Fuck it' says the pianist 'Why cunting not?'
On his first night everything is going superbly and the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is simply being received as modesty. The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage.
During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard-on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he has shot his load he hears himself being re-introduced over the sound system, so he rushes back to the stage to finish his act.
After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him.
'Hi' she says.
'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives.
She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your cock is hanging out of your trousers and spunk is dribbling onto your shoes?'
Placing his beer confidently on the bar, the pianist grins, looks her square in the eye and yells 'Know it? - 'I fucking wrote it!!'
-----------
Cheers
Another joke of a medical bent:
The Queen is being shown around a new hospital and is shocked to encounter a male patient frantically masturbating in the middle of a ward. The hospital administrator quickly assures her that nothing untoward is occurring, "The patient has a rare condition which requires him to ejaculate at least a dozen times a day. Otherwise his testicles will explode and he will die a horrible painful death. The patient is merely carrying out Doctor's orders."
The Queen is understandably a bit unsettled by this but accepts the explanation and continues with her tour. Shortly afterwards she enters one of the private rooms and is shocked once again when she discovers an attractive young Nurse giving a male patient a vigorous blow job. "And what on Earth is your explanation for this?"
"Ah, Your Majesty, this man has exactly the same condition but he is a member of BUPA."
:smile:
The Queen is being shown around a new hospital and is shocked to encounter a male patient frantically masturbating in the middle of a ward. The hospital administrator quickly assures her that nothing untoward is occurring, "The patient has a rare condition which requires him to ejaculate at least a dozen times a day. Otherwise his testicles will explode and he will die a horrible painful death. The patient is merely carrying out Doctor's orders."
The Queen is understandably a bit unsettled by this but accepts the explanation and continues with her tour. Shortly afterwards she enters one of the private rooms and is shocked once again when she discovers an attractive young Nurse giving a male patient a vigorous blow job. "And what on Earth is your explanation for this?"
"Ah, Your Majesty, this man has exactly the same condition but he is a member of BUPA."
:smile:
Many people probably already heard this one, but anyway:
Two hunters are out in the wood when one of them collapsed. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back to the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"
Two hunters are out in the wood when one of them collapsed. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back to the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"
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Mate Kovacs
Newcomer
Okay, then._xxx_ said:You start a thread and don't post a joke yourself? Bahh...
Ok, here's a tasteless one:
Q: What's worse than three little babies in a bin?
A: One little baby in three bins
Q: What's the difference between a truckload of little babies and a truckload of poppy seeds?
A: One of them can't be unloaded with a pitchfork.
