Post a good joke
- Thread starter hey69
- Start date
IgnorancePersonified
Regular
Ok Not a standard joke with a punchline but thought it worthy anyway.
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The Perfect Dump
Every once in a while everyone experiences the perfect dump. It's rare but a real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the worse, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fart-less masterpiece that breaks the water with the splash-less grace of an Olympic high-diving champion. You use the toilet tissue to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right in the world and that you are in perfect harmony with it.
The Beer Dump
Nasty! Depends upon the dumper's tolerance and is the result of too many beers - doesn't matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by an odious malevolent fog that could close the bathroom for days. Naked flames are ill-advised.....
The Chilli Dump (aka The Japanese Flag)
Hot when it goes in and napalm when it comes out. It stays with you all day stinging yer ring and generally making your choccie starfish feel like the Shuttle's heat shield. Also makes your ass look like "a Japanese
Flag."
The Empty Roll Dump
Relief - you've finished and reach for the tissue only to find an empty cardboard cylinder staring back at you. Panic overcomes you. You could use the curtains but then someone would ask "where are the curtains?" Use the rug? Nah, too bulky and cumbersome. You then come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper" must face.....pull up yer kecks, tighten yer cheeks and shuffle yourself to the nearest loo roll. Failing that you could always use your shirt-tail or one of your socks!
The Splash Back Dump
This one drops like a depth charge creating a column of cold water that washes your sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're wet - and embarrassed if the column of water went half way up your back.
Tip of the day: blot instead of wiping.
The Childbirth Dump
This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for this purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and then gets no better. You sweat violently and wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf!" There are only three things you can do:
1. Scream
2. Call an Obstetrician
3. Hope to hell you've got some Vaseline to help you get through it.
The Machine Gun Dump
Best utilized in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime peace when suddenly you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the tranquility like machine gun fire. The guy in the next cubicle hits the floor like a Vietnam veteran, cradling his umbrella like a M16....damn commies.
The Sound Effect Dump
You feel a noisy one coming on but relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot. So, you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is of the essence. At the precise moment of release, try the following:
1. Flush the toilet
2. Drop loose change on the floor
3. Sing the first two stanzas of your favourite opera.
The Cling-On Dump
You've finished but there's one damn morsel that refuses to drop. You grip the seat with both hands and wriggle. You twist and pump but the little bastard just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the water below. If only you had some scissors.......
The Whole Roll Dump
No matter how much you wipe, it just isn't enough. You blow the whole roll and have to flush at least a dozen times. The whole episode is consumer waste. Eventually if your toilet paper runs into minimal supply anything will do, towels, wash clothes, carpet, walls, whatever it takes.
The Encore Dump
Ahhh, you've done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are about to leave the auditorium when you feel another dump coming on. You must therefore return for a curtain call. The world record is seven encores.....
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The Perfect Dump
Every once in a while everyone experiences the perfect dump. It's rare but a real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the worse, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fart-less masterpiece that breaks the water with the splash-less grace of an Olympic high-diving champion. You use the toilet tissue to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right in the world and that you are in perfect harmony with it.
The Beer Dump
Nasty! Depends upon the dumper's tolerance and is the result of too many beers - doesn't matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by an odious malevolent fog that could close the bathroom for days. Naked flames are ill-advised.....
The Chilli Dump (aka The Japanese Flag)
Hot when it goes in and napalm when it comes out. It stays with you all day stinging yer ring and generally making your choccie starfish feel like the Shuttle's heat shield. Also makes your ass look like "a Japanese
Flag."
The Empty Roll Dump
Relief - you've finished and reach for the tissue only to find an empty cardboard cylinder staring back at you. Panic overcomes you. You could use the curtains but then someone would ask "where are the curtains?" Use the rug? Nah, too bulky and cumbersome. You then come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper" must face.....pull up yer kecks, tighten yer cheeks and shuffle yourself to the nearest loo roll. Failing that you could always use your shirt-tail or one of your socks!
The Splash Back Dump
This one drops like a depth charge creating a column of cold water that washes your sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're wet - and embarrassed if the column of water went half way up your back.
Tip of the day: blot instead of wiping.
The Childbirth Dump
This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for this purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and then gets no better. You sweat violently and wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf!" There are only three things you can do:
1. Scream
2. Call an Obstetrician
3. Hope to hell you've got some Vaseline to help you get through it.
The Machine Gun Dump
Best utilized in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime peace when suddenly you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the tranquility like machine gun fire. The guy in the next cubicle hits the floor like a Vietnam veteran, cradling his umbrella like a M16....damn commies.
The Sound Effect Dump
You feel a noisy one coming on but relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot. So, you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is of the essence. At the precise moment of release, try the following:
1. Flush the toilet
2. Drop loose change on the floor
3. Sing the first two stanzas of your favourite opera.
The Cling-On Dump
You've finished but there's one damn morsel that refuses to drop. You grip the seat with both hands and wriggle. You twist and pump but the little bastard just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the water below. If only you had some scissors.......
The Whole Roll Dump
No matter how much you wipe, it just isn't enough. You blow the whole roll and have to flush at least a dozen times. The whole episode is consumer waste. Eventually if your toilet paper runs into minimal supply anything will do, towels, wash clothes, carpet, walls, whatever it takes.
The Encore Dump
Ahhh, you've done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are about to leave the auditorium when you feel another dump coming on. You must therefore return for a curtain call. The world record is seven encores.....
Joe DeFuria
Legend
I walked into a pub noticed a large bucket stuffed with 5 dollar bills sitting on the bar. There were no signs or anything, and it obviously wasn't for tips....so, I asked the bartender about it. The bartender explained: "There's a horse in the back room there. If you can make him laugh, you get all the money in the bucket. It'll cost you $5 to try."
So, I put $5 in the bucket, and went in the back room. I came out about 15 seconds later and the horse was rolling on the floor laughing his ass off. I dutifully picked up the bucket, said "Thank you" and walked away.
A month later I went back into the same pub, and noticed a similar bucket filled with $20 bills. So I asked the bartended about it. The barkeep looked at me and said..."It's you! Well, you know that horse there in the back room? This time you have to make him cry. If you do that, you get the money...cost you $20 to try."
So, I put my $20 in the bucket, went into the back room, and about a minute later I came out leaving a bawling horse in the back room...slumped over blubbering uncontrollably. I dutifully picked up the bucket, but before I could leave the bartender stopped me.
"I have to ask", he said. "How did you do it?"
So I told him. "Well, last month, I told him that my dick was bigger than his!"
"What did you tell him today?" he asked.
"Nothing." I said. "I showed him!"
(OK...you can all commence on the "yeah...that really is funny...considering...." wise cracks.
)
So, I put $5 in the bucket, and went in the back room. I came out about 15 seconds later and the horse was rolling on the floor laughing his ass off. I dutifully picked up the bucket, said "Thank you" and walked away.
A month later I went back into the same pub, and noticed a similar bucket filled with $20 bills. So I asked the bartended about it. The barkeep looked at me and said..."It's you! Well, you know that horse there in the back room? This time you have to make him cry. If you do that, you get the money...cost you $20 to try."
So, I put my $20 in the bucket, went into the back room, and about a minute later I came out leaving a bawling horse in the back room...slumped over blubbering uncontrollably. I dutifully picked up the bucket, but before I could leave the bartender stopped me.
"I have to ask", he said. "How did you do it?"
So I told him. "Well, last month, I told him that my dick was bigger than his!"
"What did you tell him today?" he asked.
"Nothing." I said. "I showed him!"
(OK...you can all commence on the "yeah...that really is funny...considering...." wise cracks.
)
New Husband and Wife Stores Open in NYC
Just got this today - hope nobody posted it already:
New Husband Store Opens
A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a
woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance
is a description of how the store operates.
You may visit the store ONLY ONCE ! There are six floors and the
attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular
floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down
except to exit the building !
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are good looking.
"Wow", she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going up.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and
help with the housework.
"Oh, mercy me !", she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it."
Still, she goes on to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help
with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay and shop, but she goes to the sixth floor and
the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are NO men on
this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible
to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
A New Wives store opened across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited.
Just got this today - hope nobody posted it already:
New Husband Store Opens
A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a
woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance
is a description of how the store operates.
You may visit the store ONLY ONCE ! There are six floors and the
attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular
floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down
except to exit the building !
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are good looking.
"Wow", she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going up.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and
help with the housework.
"Oh, mercy me !", she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it."
Still, she goes on to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help
with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay and shop, but she goes to the sixth floor and
the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are NO men on
this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible
to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
A New Wives store opened across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited.
*bump!*
An Italian man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. "Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" the Italian says, "Dat's easy." And he proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Italian.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go," he says.
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree and dirty tree and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog came along and take a crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, and dat make one hundred. So, when I start?"
An Italian man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. "Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" the Italian says, "Dat's easy." And he proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Italian.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go," he says.
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree and dirty tree and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog came along and take a crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, and dat make one hundred. So, when I start?"
Ferret Boy
Newcomer
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed
nicely made up and everything neat and tidy.
Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It
was addressed, "Dad".
With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the
letter with trembling hands:
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing to you. I had to
elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with
you and Mom.
I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew
you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos,her
tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but
it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant.
Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in
the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We
share a dream of having many more children.
Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really
hurt anyone. We'll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the
commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS
so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of
myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to
know your grandchildren.
Your son,
Chad
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I
just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the
report card that's in my desk drawer.
I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.
nicely made up and everything neat and tidy.
Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It
was addressed, "Dad".
With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the
letter with trembling hands:
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing to you. I had to
elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with
you and Mom.
I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew
you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos,her
tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but
it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant.
Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in
the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We
share a dream of having many more children.
Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really
hurt anyone. We'll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the
commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS
so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of
myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to
know your grandchildren.
Your son,
Chad
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I
just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the
report card that's in my desk drawer.
I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.
hahaha.. that was a good one
StreamNirvana
Newcomer
14 karat gold computer mouses? You could have a middle wheel made out of diamonds. Ouch... bad idea, diamonds are sharp.
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