What's BUPA?Mariner said:
Post a good joke
- Thread starter hey69
- Start date
Blitzkrieg
Newcomer
Why doesnt Jesus like M&Ms?
They fall through the holes in his hands.
Why wasnt Jesus born in Australia?
They could not find three wise men and a virgin.
What is the difference between a blonde and a washing machine?
A washing machine does not moan when you dump a load in it.
What is the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A brick doesnt follow you around for 3 days after it has been laid.
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
2. But damned if I know how they will get in there.
They fall through the holes in his hands.
Why wasnt Jesus born in Australia?
They could not find three wise men and a virgin.
What is the difference between a blonde and a washing machine?
A washing machine does not moan when you dump a load in it.
What is the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A brick doesnt follow you around for 3 days after it has been laid.
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
2. But damned if I know how they will get in there.
This has been voted the funniest joke in the world back in 2002 or something...
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
A guy walks into a sperm bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."
Q. What's the definition of trust?
A. Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.
Q. What did Adam say to Eve?
A. Stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets!
Q. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
A. Gagged
Q. What is the Difference Between Pussy and Apple Pie?
A. You can eat your mom's apple pie.
Q. Why can't women read maps?
A. Because only the male mind can comprehend the concept of 1 inch equals a mile.
Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After five years your job will still suck.
Q. What do you get when you cross a rooster and peanut butter?
A. A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth.
Q. What has one hundred balls and screws old ladies?
A. Bingo
A. Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.
Q. What did Adam say to Eve?
A. Stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets!
Q. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
A. Gagged
Q. What is the Difference Between Pussy and Apple Pie?
A. You can eat your mom's apple pie.
Q. Why can't women read maps?
A. Because only the male mind can comprehend the concept of 1 inch equals a mile.
Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After five years your job will still suck.
Q. What do you get when you cross a rooster and peanut butter?
A. A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth.
Q. What has one hundred balls and screws old ladies?
A. Bingo
LOL.Blitzkrieg said:
I must riot now.
This 10 year old boy is skateboarding in the park he has a smoke hanging out his mouth he goes by a old man sitting on a park bench the old man notices this and says to the boy when did u start smoking the kid says at 7 and the kid says i’ve also had sex the old man says at what age the kid says i CAN’T REMEMBER I WAS TO DRUNK!
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Reasons Why It’s Better To Be female
* We got off the Titanic first.
* We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
* We never ejaculate prematurely.
* We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
* We absently hum tunes from musicals without anyone being suspect of our sexuality.
* When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it’s pathetic.
* We don’t have to get our strength up between sessions...and it’s much easier for us to get "some" in the first place.
* We can get off with teenagers without being called dirty oldperverts.
* Our boyfriend’s clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous - guys look like complete idiots in ours.
* We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
* We can cry and get off speeding fines.
* We live longer, so we can be cantankerous old biddies wearing inappropriate clothes and shouting at strangers......
* Men die earlier so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
* Taxis stop for us.
* We’ve never fancied a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
* We don’t look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
A Few Chick Jokes
CONTROL OVER WIVES
There are three guys in a bar. Two are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives. The third remains silent. After awhile one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"
"Well, just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
His friends were amazed! "What happened then?"
"Well, then she said, ’GET OUT FROM UNDER THE BED AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN!’"
KNOWLEDGE
Once a man found a genie and wished to be the smartest person in the world. So the genie turned him into a woman.
STUPIDER THAN A BLONDE?
One day, three blonde stumbled upon a lamp. They picked it up and decided it would make a nice centerpeice for their dining room table. The first blonde took out a handkercheif to wipe the sand off and genie came out. The genie told the three that they could each have a wish. They were a little scared but figured what the hell? So the first blonde says. "Ya know what? I’ve been a blonde all my life and I’m tired of being stupid. I wish I was 10 times smarter." The genie made her 10 times smarter. The second blonde said, "I’m also tired of being made fun of for being dumb. I wish I was 20 times smarter." The genie makes her 20 times smarter. Then the third blonde says "I’ve also been dumb all my life, but I like being dumb and helpless. I wish I was more dumb than I already am." So the genie turns her into a man.
WE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year (which are the only members of the deer family, Cervidae, to have females do so), Male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa’s reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolf to Blitzen........had
to be a female. We should have known this when they were able to find their way.
-----------------------
-----------------------
Reasons Why It’s Better To Be female
* We got off the Titanic first.
* We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
* We never ejaculate prematurely.
* We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
* We absently hum tunes from musicals without anyone being suspect of our sexuality.
* When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it’s pathetic.
* We don’t have to get our strength up between sessions...and it’s much easier for us to get "some" in the first place.
* We can get off with teenagers without being called dirty oldperverts.
* Our boyfriend’s clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous - guys look like complete idiots in ours.
* We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
* We can cry and get off speeding fines.
* We live longer, so we can be cantankerous old biddies wearing inappropriate clothes and shouting at strangers......
* Men die earlier so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
* Taxis stop for us.
* We’ve never fancied a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
* We don’t look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
A Few Chick Jokes
CONTROL OVER WIVES
There are three guys in a bar. Two are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives. The third remains silent. After awhile one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"
"Well, just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
His friends were amazed! "What happened then?"
"Well, then she said, ’GET OUT FROM UNDER THE BED AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN!’"
KNOWLEDGE
Once a man found a genie and wished to be the smartest person in the world. So the genie turned him into a woman.
STUPIDER THAN A BLONDE?
One day, three blonde stumbled upon a lamp. They picked it up and decided it would make a nice centerpeice for their dining room table. The first blonde took out a handkercheif to wipe the sand off and genie came out. The genie told the three that they could each have a wish. They were a little scared but figured what the hell? So the first blonde says. "Ya know what? I’ve been a blonde all my life and I’m tired of being stupid. I wish I was 10 times smarter." The genie made her 10 times smarter. The second blonde said, "I’m also tired of being made fun of for being dumb. I wish I was 20 times smarter." The genie makes her 20 times smarter. Then the third blonde says "I’ve also been dumb all my life, but I like being dumb and helpless. I wish I was more dumb than I already am." So the genie turns her into a man.
WE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year (which are the only members of the deer family, Cervidae, to have females do so), Male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa’s reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolf to Blitzen........had
to be a female. We should have known this when they were able to find their way.
Last edited by a moderator:
Babel-17
Veteran
Stolen and roughly paraphrased from DKM's The Long Run:
"Computer, tell me a joke."
"Ok, this is a true story. An experimental AI was beng used to lauch orbital deliveries on the moon. It kept crashing them. When the programmers came in to debug the AI they asked it why it was doing that. The AI replied, 'It felt logical'."
"You think that's a funny joke?"
"You don't?"
"Computer, tell me a joke."
"Ok, this is a true story. An experimental AI was beng used to lauch orbital deliveries on the moon. It kept crashing them. When the programmers came in to debug the AI they asked it why it was doing that. The AI replied, 'It felt logical'."
"You think that's a funny joke?"
"You don't?"
Blitzkrieg
Newcomer
Glad some of mine were funny. Ill try a few more then.
Why do Australians fuck sheep near cliffs?
So they back up.
Why do Australians wear big floppy gumboots?
So they can fit the sheeps two back legs in.
What do you call 1000 Aussies at the bottom of Sydney harbour?
A fucking good start.
What do you do with a years worth of used condoms?
Roll it into a ball and call it a goodyear.
How do you recycle a condom?
Turn it inside out and shake the fuck out of it.
A Irish man and a Scottish girl were going hard at it in a secluded area. After they finished they rolled onto their backs and let out a big sigh. After a while the Irish man says "No offence but I thought the Scottish were supposed to be tight". The Scottish girl replies "You are not the only dissapointed one, I thought the Irish were big and thick."
Why do Australians fuck sheep near cliffs?
So they back up.
Why do Australians wear big floppy gumboots?
So they can fit the sheeps two back legs in.
What do you call 1000 Aussies at the bottom of Sydney harbour?
A fucking good start.
What do you do with a years worth of used condoms?
Roll it into a ball and call it a goodyear.
How do you recycle a condom?
Turn it inside out and shake the fuck out of it.
A Irish man and a Scottish girl were going hard at it in a secluded area. After they finished they rolled onto their backs and let out a big sigh. After a while the Irish man says "No offence but I thought the Scottish were supposed to be tight". The Scottish girl replies "You are not the only dissapointed one, I thought the Irish were big and thick."
A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver's door.
"Is there a problem Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?"
"She's in the boot if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"
--------------------------------
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph, he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.
"There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself, and opened her up further.
The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him.
"What on earth am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his licence without a word and examined it and the car.
"I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I dont feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I havent heard before you can go!"
"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice night," said the officer.
-------------------------------------------
A young Irish lad had fallen in love with a girl and felt the relationship
had gone far enough to take her home to meet his family.
So, one fine Sunday evening the lad, his lady friend and the rest of the
family (17 or so people) were gathered around the dining room
table. The matriarch or the family asked the lad's girlfriend, "So, tell me,
lass, what is your occupation?"
The girl hesitated and said, "Well, Mrs. O'Malley, I'm a prostitute."
Immediately the lad's mother fainted and was surrounded by a dozen family
members who splashed her face with water which brought her back around. She
returned to her seat and the family calmed down and resumed the meal. At
that point the mother asked again, "Forgive me, dearie. I don't think I
heard you correctly.... what is your
occupation?"
Again the girl answered, "Mrs. O'Malley, I'm a prostitute."
The mother laughed and said, "Oh my, dearie, for a moment there I thought
you said you were a PROTESTANT!"
"Is there a problem Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?"
"She's in the boot if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"
--------------------------------
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph, he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.
"There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself, and opened her up further.
The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him.
"What on earth am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his licence without a word and examined it and the car.
"I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I dont feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I havent heard before you can go!"
"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice night," said the officer.
-------------------------------------------
A young Irish lad had fallen in love with a girl and felt the relationship
had gone far enough to take her home to meet his family.
So, one fine Sunday evening the lad, his lady friend and the rest of the
family (17 or so people) were gathered around the dining room
table. The matriarch or the family asked the lad's girlfriend, "So, tell me,
lass, what is your occupation?"
The girl hesitated and said, "Well, Mrs. O'Malley, I'm a prostitute."
Immediately the lad's mother fainted and was surrounded by a dozen family
members who splashed her face with water which brought her back around. She
returned to her seat and the family calmed down and resumed the meal. At
that point the mother asked again, "Forgive me, dearie. I don't think I
heard you correctly.... what is your
occupation?"
Again the girl answered, "Mrs. O'Malley, I'm a prostitute."
The mother laughed and said, "Oh my, dearie, for a moment there I thought
you said you were a PROTESTANT!"
