Advice needed, serious issue

[_xxx_]

I just found out that my cousin might end up in prison for a while. He and a couple of his friends drank a bit too much, damaged the window of some local shop and got a few bottles of wine from the display. Then they went to the park in the city centre and kept on drinking. Eventually they freaked out and broke a shitload of stuff there, including some statues etc.

Now he either has to pay a hefty sum or go to prison for a while, I still don't know how long.

What I also found out, he's still just hanging around with those people, drinking, smoking pot etc. and doing nothing else. My aunt can't do anything, he does what he will (my uncle died many years ago).

I might make some debts and lend him the money, and I would love to help my cousin. But I started doubting if that's the right thing to do regarding his future.

Please help me with some brainstorming, I don't want a solution, just some more things to think about that I might have missed. No holds barred.

 

[Nite_Hawk]

Well, first things first I suppose. Do you think he has any inclination at all to change? Prison could be very bad or very good for him, but probably pretty bad. On the other hand, if he has no desire to change it probably doesn't matter one way or the other.

How much can you afford the debt if you bail him out? Assuming the worst and he just goes on living the way he is living now, would you be able to get yourself out of it? Do you have other family that can help? What do they think about the situation?

Though I don't really know, you might do more for him by visiting him in prison and trying to help him change his ways than bailing him out with money. I don't know if you really want a more "personal" relationship with the guy, but if you are trying to help him it might be the better way to go.

Nite_Hawk

 

[kyleb]

If I were in your shoes, I would try and convince the kid to find work as soon as possible and save as much as possible to show the court he is interested in making reparations for his crimes. Explain to him that this and prison are his only two options at the moment and let him make his own choice from there. If he does decide against prison and does actively work to repay the damages, only then would I recommend providing any financial support.

 

[Ty]

It's a tough situation (duh).

I guess you have to ask yourself, if you bail him out, will he reform? Or are you just enabling him to screw up again? Or do you think that prison time (is it a hardcore prison) will change him for the worse?

Maybe he needs a wake up call?


And naturally there is the issue of lending him money and him never repaying you for it or treating it ungratefully. How are you willing to risk that?

 

[Sonic]

I wish not to sound negative in this post, but will give some small advice. If you do partake a debt to bail him out please look at as a gift to him and not a loan. Giving money to family members who need it doesn't mean you will always get it back. If the debt you will undertake to help pay the fines for his crimes is going to be a large burden on yourself for a few years to come I would not do it. Your time would be best spent helping him find a job so he can repay his debt over a period of time.

I agree with what Ty said to a T.

 

[Powderkeg]

If you help pay for his actions, you are essentially condoning his behavior.

 

[micron]

If you help pay for his actions, you are essentially condoning his behavior.

That's fucking bullshit

Dont think for a second, that this kid isnt freaking out at the mere thought of prison time.

I say bail him out, and then get him into a substance abuse treatment facility.

 

[Jew]

That's fucking bullshit

Dont think for a second, that this kid isnt freaking out at the mere thought of prison time.

I say bail him out, and then get him into a substance abuse treatment facility.

You are moron, no wonder why so many people do not understand the real results of their actions.

Like the shit-head learn a lesson and rot in jail.

 

[Sonic]

Jew, please keep the namecalling in the RPSC forum and out of all other forums.

 

[micron]

You are moron

Thanks

 

[Jew]

Jew, please keep the namecalling in the RPSC forum and out of all other forums.

Oh, sorry micron... I take back calling you a moron... I am the moron.

 

[Geo]

How old is he?

How long is the prison stay if he can't pay?
Do you get any sense of remorse, other than for getting caught?

How is the prison system where he would be?
Those are my factors. I'd be measuring some "tough love" vs a fear that he'll be brutalized beyond redemption by a prison stay (possibly this is an American fear).

Edit: Just a bit of humor, to lighten the tone --while we were in Scotland, and listening to BBC radio (oy. Now there's an eclectic mish-mash!), the big thing on talk radio was outrage over prisoners having to "slop out" the jails and a recent court ruling (I gathered) that they would have to be paid for it.

Well, it turns out we know a bit about 19th century jails/prisons, so we figured out "slop out" pretty quickly. . .but the great humor was the bitter denunciation against the EU for the controversy.

 

[DarN]

A dilemma for sure. If helping him only keeps him out of jail to continue what he's already doing, then that would only hurt him in the end. You really should sit down and have a talk with him. Over a few beers maybe. Good luck!

 

[Jew]

I'd suggest he join the marines.

 

[Blitzkrieg]

Jew I guess going to prison really straightens ppl out. Thats why the US has the lowest incarceration rate in the developed world.........(its in the 700's per 10000 or 100,000ppl, cant remember, next worse is Australia with 180). Your crime rate is nothing special either, esp southern/capital punishment states.

Personally I would try talk to him, see if he is willing to change, see if he realises what will happen to him.
Edit. Woops, see its Yugoslavia, hmm, tough choice.

 

[_xxx_]

Well, first things first I suppose. Do you think he has any inclination at all to change?

I don't have the impression.

How much can you afford the debt if you bail him out? Assuming the worst and he just goes on living the way he is living now, would you be able to get yourself out of it? Do you have other family that can help? What do they think about the situation?

It's not that much that I'd have to suffer. There is no other family that could help. But that's exactly what I'm afraid of, that it won't do any good if I help him. He might take it for granted that we'll get him out of such shit again next time, I'm afraid.

 

[_xxx_]

And naturally there is the issue of lending him money and him never repaying you for it or treating it ungratefully. How are you willing to risk that?

He can't repay the money, I'd essntially give it to him. But I love him, he's my little cousin. That's not a problem. The problem is, will it be the wrong kind of help?

 

[_xxx_]

How old is he?

How long is the prison stay if he can't pay?
Do you get any sense of remorse, other than for getting caught?

How is the prison system where he would be?
Those are my factors. I'd be measuring some "tough love" vs a fear that he'll be brutalized beyond redemption by a prison stay (possibly this is an American fear).

He's 19 now. How long, I don't know yet, but will know tonight.

I get no sense of remorse, since he's still coming home, high or drunk, just to change his clothes and eat something and disappears again.

The prison system in former Yugoslavia is anything but nice. Depends on the guards there, it might as well be a sadistic bastard there who'll make him weep three times a day, but could as well be "normal". Can't say for sure.

 

[rwolf]

Depends on the kind of person he is really. I have seen people bail out other people only to have their bank accounts emptied by the same person.

Other people see the error of their ways and reform.

 

[Ty]

He can't repay the money, I'd essntially give it to him. But I love him, he's my little cousin. That's not a problem. The problem is, will it be the wrong kind of help?

Judging from your other replies, I'm going to have to say "Yes, it's the wrong kind of help." One of the most important abilities we humans have is to learn from the error of our ways. If you prevent him from seeing the error of his ways, he may not get the opportunity to learn and thus grow.

What happens if you bail him out and he does even more stupid stuff? Who are you going to blame then? Him? Sure. But who enabled him? You. And if it's something really bad, like drukenly killing someone, do you want to carry that guilt?

Sorry to say this but sometimes people have to hit rock bottom before they can go up.