Depression and anxiety issues

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Kaotik, Mar 15, 2020.

  1. Kaotik

    Kaotik Drunk Member
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    Sorry in advance for possibly jumping a little from issue to another, it's hard to keep it in coherent order because the issues are quite well mixed together.

    I was first diagnosed with undefined sleeping disorder, mostly insomnia, and a year or two later, this year 20 years ago, depression. I've also recognized severe codepedency issues in me. Couple years ago I learned from my brother that I've also been going to child psychiatrist in my childhood but haven't dared to ask for my papers from the hospital so far. My mind has pretty much blocked first 10 years or so of my childhood.

    I was given meds, one for depression and one for helping me fall asleep, but they didn't do anything for me, so I quit them and seeing others turn into SSRI-zombies made sure I wouldn't be going down the road of testing every damn alternative there is until a match is found, if ever.

    Ever since depression has been with me in some form another, but most of the time it hasn't been that bad, you learn to live with it and in general recognize symptoms when it's going to get worse so you can somehow prepare for it. That's how I lived over half of my life. I managed in some point getting a entry level degree on some IT stuff, but that's been worthless, never got me a single job and I've really had longer stints only in my part-time role at io-tech (which is still on going at least) and it's predecessor. My financial situation is shit due both not having a fulltime job and because I've been buying stuff I really don't need on credit just to make me feel a little better for getting something new. I do gigs at one of the psychwards at nearby hospital, but given the random shifts I get (0 to 2 per week) it doesn't help much.

    Past few years have been harder, as I finally got my act together well enough to start a new school to become a nurse, depression stayed mostly in the background but instead I started getting growing anxiety issues. Last couple years I've used cannabis to get the anxiety down, only problem is that it's still illegal here which also keeps the prices relatively high (medical is theoretically legal, but in practice you need special permission per patient to prescribe it and the bureau responsible for those permits is doing everything it can to stall and limit the permissions. Practically only people with MS can get it relatively easy, and even then in only very specific form). And yes, I knew the risks with depression and cannabis beforehand.

    The growing anxiety issues most likely came from two things: looking really forward first time in years with some expectations for my future, and the fact that the school brought back all bad the memories from my junior high (I think that's the closest match in english for it, it's grades 7 - 9 here) from being excluded and downright bullied both physically and mentally. In elementary it was a little easier, the exclusion didn't really happen yet even if I didn't really have many if any friends. New schools with classmates being adults, I thought it would be different, but being excluded happened very quickly again. Clearly it's something in me, but no-one has ever been able to point any specific reason. I never really learned how to make friends either - today I have few, but they've all come from me knowing someone they know and us just ending up in same places often enough. And we really only see each other on gigs and when drinking. I can't even remember when anyone asked me just to hang out or something, unless drinking was involved, and even then it's rare.

    Age crisis is bad too. I'm closer to 40 than 35 and don't have anything to show for my life and I live alone in rented 1 room apartment. Little over year ago, after being alone again for too long, I started dating a girl I had know for years and even hooked up once before. I knew beforehand she had some psychological issues from the more dire end of them, but figured that with the knowledge of my own issues and professional knowledge on specializing on psychiatric nursing would mean it's nothing we couldn't handle together. We split up a month or so ago, but after I've realized it hadn't been a real relationship for the past half a year if not longer, so clearly that didn't go too well either.

    It feels like everything has been crumbling down on me at once. It's never just one thing, everything seems to come in piles, there can be several months of nothing bad happening, but then it all rolls down on once. My teeth are shit, I don't have all of them, I don't have money to repair them and they're breaking at increasing speed. I haven't been able to do basic things like brushing my teeth regularily for years now and I'm addicted to coca-cola so that's a recipe for disaster.
     
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  2. Kaotik

    Kaotik Drunk Member
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    Apparently there's 10k letter limit on posts so here's the rest:

    I love cats, but getting one seems impossible. In open markets people are asking ridiculous sums for kittens and are growing them in shady conditions for profits. Local animal protection service has cats and reasonable prices (considering they handle the neutering), but apparently bullying me doesn't limit itself to people I know. My first very own cat (I had one before with my ex which is with her now) died young, only couple years old, to auto-immune anemia.
    I had gotten the kitten from the local shelter and when I called them about the doctors bad news, whoever was on the phone had "f u attitude" and practically said "tough luck, not our problem after you signed the adoption papers".
    Late last year I finally had the courage to try get another, from same place. Kittens release(?) age was 12 weeks, but it changed to 14 weeks this year for kittens born this year. The kitten I had seen and chosen wasn't born this year and on Dec 27th when I visited the kitten and asked when it would be ready to be adopted, they told me she should be ready Jan 8th if she gains enough weight to be neutered by then. When Jan 8th came, I called them and was told that oh no, the limit is now 14 weeks - sure, I can understand that you follow the new age limit for last years kittens too, but shouldn't they have known it on 27th Dec already?
    So, I wrote on two closed groups on Facebook about the issues I've had with said shelter (one was a cat group, one more private), but didn't really bad mouth them or anything like that. Fast forward couple days and I'm told by their chairman I couldn't get a kitten from them anymore. I then called her and asked wth, thinking it was someone from the cat group who had painted them a worse picture of what I've written than it really was, and after talking things through and agreeing not to write anything about them publicly I could still get the kitten as long as I would first contact said chairman first if there was any issues. Yay. Only issue was that the kitten still hadn't been neutered and wouldn't be for couple more weeks, ok, I'll wait. Fast forward a week and I broke up with the girl mentioned earlier and wrote about my feelings in the more private group with few anecdotes that could be read a little suicidal (literal translation: "oh well, couple years to pick what kind of rope I want"), but in context of said private group it wasn't that dramatic and not to be taken too seriously. That was friday. On next monday, I get text message from the chairman that they've gotten a "worrying contact about me" and that I wouldn't get a kitten from them. I texted back asking again, wth, and the reply made it clear it was someone from the private group. I was never asked if any of what they were told is true or anything such thing, they wouldn't reply me anymore. I tried to contact the full board since they have e-mail address for that, but got no answer from that either. Couple weeks later I called the "head organization" they're a member of, and they agreed it sounded really inappropriate from shelters part but all they can do is try and ask them to contact me, they have no control over their choices. Haven't heard anything since.

    I was supposed to graduate late last year, but I had to re-schedule one of the mandatory internships so I didn't. Plan was to graduate this spring, which would help me financially as I could still get part of my fresh student loans paid by government, but now with corona running wild all our internships, including the last one I was in middle of, got canned for unknown period of time, so it doesn't look like I'm going to graduate this spring either. I also have some leftover assignments from past courses I need to do before graduating, but I can't seem to focus on them, everytime I try anxiety rises it's ugly head and I end up either smoking weed and not being able to do it or going for a cigarette every 5 minutes to calm myself which also leads to not being able to do them.

    I know I should seek help for the variety of my issues, but it's hard. When I've actually managed to try, it hasn't gone well. Our school psychiatrists are booked for full year pretty much first week of school so no luck there. Public healthcare tries to force pills I'm not willing to take (I've literally had to refuse them 3 times in 15 minutes meeting last time I talked about depression there). The one time I actually managed to get a time for psychiatric nurse to talk through my issues, I never got to even start - they required I would need to be at least a month without any intoxicants (meaning alcohol, cannabis in my case) before we could talk, but that's impossible for me, I know from experience that my mind really goes down to shit if I don't "reset" myself at least once every couple weeks one way or another.

    It also seems next to impossible for me to find a partner. Even in Tinder no matter if I swipe everyone to right seems barren, even if I get a rare match or two I even more rarely get any replies. I've asked couple women I know to look through my profile and messages to find if there's anything I should have done different, pick different photos and whatnot, but they think it's all fine. I'm not sure if I can take even one more of "you're the greatest guy ever.... but not for me".

    I hope that was all, at least I feel a bit better after writing this down. Also I'm not really expecting answers or suggestions, I just needed to write this down somewhere where I think no-one really knows who I am. That private group in the cat part of the post used to be a place where I could open up a bit, but since there's someone in the group bringing what I write there to the outside world that's not really an option anymore.

    late edit:
    Also, even if meds could help me if I was willing to find the right one, I'm scared shitless of telling everything to a doctor simply because getting royal flush of mental health diagnoses wouldn't cope well with my chances of finding fulltime permanent job in psychiatric nursing. If and when I secure such, it wouldn't be that big of a deal, but nearly double the age of most graduates with diagnosed issues isn't that attractive on the job market.
     
    #2 Kaotik, Mar 15, 2020
    Last edited: Mar 15, 2020
  3. digitalwanderer

    digitalwanderer Dangerously Mirthful
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    Tough times, sorry to hear. Hope you make it through, wish I had advice to give.

    I guess all I can say is hang in there because it does seem to eventually get better, and you owe yourself a shot at happy.
     
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  4. milk

    milk Like Verified
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    When times are trying, don't be too hard on yourself. Don't compare yourself to others too much. Don't ponder about all the could have beens. Find the small things you can be grateful about. Eat well, do some exercise, and get good sleep. Life is full of oportunities, but it requires some resilience and patience. Best of luck, brother.
     
    #4 milk, Mar 16, 2020
    Last edited: Mar 16, 2020
  5. orangpelupa

    orangpelupa Elite Bug Hunter
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    sorry i cant help with anything. in my country, people with anxiety and depression usually were told to "get closer to God" (and be thankful) and that may works for some... but for me personally, it gives me even MORE anxiety when reading the holy scripture and can't help to compare it with things in life....

    i do have a video of my cats jumping hurdles... https://photos.app.goo.gl/CBrpBWeDCbi7PE2u7
    hopefully things will gets better for you.

    oh btw for me,
    when my anxiety with life got higher and higher, talking in B3D (about anything) helps takes my mind off it, heck, sometimes the replies are sooooo good, it warm my heart and really calmed me (despite it was not talking about me). Doing things I know for sure i am in control (biking in empty neighborhood) or very familiar (playing Destiny 2 strike with brain turned-off) or i highly enjoy (modding games), also sometime helps. I have the luxury to do those because i am jobless (hence tons of free time) since last december.
     
    #5 orangpelupa, Mar 16, 2020
    Last edited: Mar 16, 2020
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  6. Silent_Buddha

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    This part can be tough to do, but you can do it. I also suffered through chronic depression for much of my life due to something that happened to me as a child that I won't talk about.

    Because of that I became reliant on alcohol in social situations, so much so that it became a problem even though I didn't see it that way while I was still drinking. About 15 years ago I finally quit for good (hopefully) and while life isn't perfect, it's certainly better than when I had been reliant on alcohol. The temptation for me to start drinking again and the craving to drink can sometimes be very strong, but so far I've managed to stay off the juice. Life isn't perfect, depression still happens. But at least my mind isn't fogged by alcohol (or any other drugs - prescribed or not) anymore.

    Alcohol and other mind and behavior altering drugs can be hard to break free of, but it is possible. It's definitely hard and will always be hard if you want to stay free of substances influencing how you think and act. But if stopping the use of alcohol or marijuana opens up the possibility of an escape from the mental place you feel you are in, then it's at least worth trying, no?

    Good luck with this. It's not an easy thing to deal with and what works for one person may not work for another person.

    Regards,
    SB
     
  7. nutball

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    Sorry to hear what you're going through. Depression is a fucker. It never goes away. Ever.

    I've suffered from it since I was a teenager. I was always a fairly shy and introverted person who struggled to make close friends. For some reason when I was in my mid-teens my parents took it upon themselves to move a place in the country, which was lovely and all but meant that I was at least ten miles from my schoolmates, which when you're in your late teens is a bit like a death sentence for a normal social life. My isolation, both real and imagined, grew and grew and depression along with it. It has been with me ever since, I'm now in my early fifties. I've never sought proper treatment, I don't want to go on meds because from what I've seen in other people SSRIs fuck you up good and proper. I should probably try talk therapy / counselling, but being from the generation I'm from that feels a little bit like admitting weakness. I have no problem being weak / vunerable, but it still grates against the sort of thing that was in the air when I was growing up in the 70s, that men should be men, etc. and it's really hard to get past that without a lot of effort.

    I've managed to be reasonably successful in my career, but it's been a constant battle against the depression. Alcohol has been a constant crutch for me, and remains so to this day. I've made a couple of questionable relationship choices which have basically wasted two decades of my life (and a fuck-tonne of money) that I will never get back. The realisation a few years ago that I'm probably on the autism spectrum was a real eye-opener, though why it didn't occur to me before I have no idea - my niece is Aspergers, my family are autistic as fuck, I chose to do a degree in Physics and have a career as an astronomer FFS, that's like Autism Central. Being at an age now where people I have known and respected, who are few years older than me but still in touching distance, have started dying has brought home to me my own mortality. So reflecting on my wasted years, most of my "best" years that I will never get back, and that more than half of my life is behind me, really doesn't help with the depression.

    Life has taken an up-tick recently, I met a new partner who is perfect for me. She's smart (PhD level), funny, sexy and we just ... click in ways that I never thought was possible. She has her own issues with ASD, depression and anxiety but in a weird way that helps both of us as we can sort of empathise and understand what the other is going through and offer the right type of support. She's 24 years younger than me, but I don't care about the age gap. She doesn't care, her family think I'm the most wonderful thing to happen to her, my family see me happy for pretty much the first time in my life. We're getting married in August. My only regret is that we didn't meet twenty years ago.

    But still I am dogged by depression, and abuse alcohol to an unhealthy degree. I am happier than I've ever been, but the Black Dog still hangs around. It never goes away.
     
    #7 nutball, Mar 16, 2020
    Last edited: Mar 16, 2020
  8. digitalwanderer

    digitalwanderer Dangerously Mirthful
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    I still don't know what advice to give you, but wanted to let you know I was thinking about you and hoping things get better. I've been down pretty hard myself and a few times thought it was so beyond hopeless that I'd never be able to live with myself again nor live period, but it got better. I got lucky and met someone who was also fucked up and we helped heal each other, although if we both hadn't been wanting/ready to it never would have worked.

    Been married 24 years and got two kids who are 20 and 22 and haven't destroyed their lives yet nor started hating us. We got a whole lot of love between us even when we have problems, and coming from a busted family I really love/appreciate/still freak out that I have this life now.

    I didn't start living at all until I was about 26-27, up until then I was slacker alcoholic/drug user/hippy/conman/thief/jack-of-all-trades with no goal or direction in life and I hated everything with myself at the top of the list. I don't hate me anymore, which is weird to say but fortunately true. I have no idea exactly how it happened, a little bit of luck and I saw a ray of light and followed it out of the dark.

    Keep looking for that ray of light and don't be afraid to follow it. Even if it isn't what you're looking for, do you really KNOW what you're looking for? I didn't and in hindsight still don't, except maybe what I jokingly used to ask for every year when people would ask me what I wanted. It was pretty simple, only three things. "Peace of mind, faith in mankind, and hope for the future". Strange thing is I finally really have them, and I don't ever want to let them go.

    Keep trying please, and if I can help with talking please feel free to PM me and I'll do my best. If nothing else I'll remind you someone cares.
     
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  9. Kaotik

    Kaotik Drunk Member
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    you
    I'm now 10 years older than you were when you started living, I really feel I'm running out of time. And I do know what I'm looking for - I'm looking for someone to be with me, build a family with, live life with. I don't think I've ever wanted more than "to be normal like everyone else, have normal life, go to work, have kids, have family".

    And thanks, I will keep your offer in mind if things start going worse than they are <3
     
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