Why Does My Heart Feel So Bad
First, some background...
The summer before 4th grade we moved. It was a new school and I was the new kid, I only had two people that were actually nice to me at school. Literally every day I cam home in tears. Because of that (and my allergies) my parents moved back to where we had lived since I had been born. Then in 7th grade my classmates who had been my best friends suddenly turned on me. I went through the same thing as in 4th grade, only it hurt worse because it was by people I was so close to. The next summer I had my first love and it turned out she was using me and screwing some 16-year-old in the room next to where I slept (I went to a Christian Baptist summer camp with her). I was already broken by the previous years events, but she just broke me all over again. In 8th grade I was driven 45 minutes to a different school far away (we were planning on moving there) and I had lots of close friends. In 9th grade we actually did move, but to a different place. So, once again I was in a new school with new people. Lot's of things happened that year but not important enough for this limited space. I didn't finish that year because I got sick (mentally) and couldn't handle school anymore. The next year I attended vo-tech and was homeschooled. Then, my Junior year, I went back to my 9th grade school. I caught up with my old best friend and made some new ones, the closest of which was Liz.
I fell in love with Liz the moment I met her. It just so happened that she was dating one of my good friends from vo-tech. When I told him I was in love with his girlfriend he told me "great! please, take her!" and I had the task of breaking up with her for him. We dated for about a week and then decided (ok, she decided...) that we should just be friends. Then I dated one of her closest friends- Becky. Becky was my first. I could write a book on that relationship and the effects it's had on me, except that I've blocked out most of it. In short, I attampted suicide when I realized it was really truely over. However, I didn't have my closest friend, Liz, around to comfort me anymore. She was in DHS custody and they decided to take her away from me one day. She came to school and told me she was going to be leaving sometime that day. We had the first two periods together, midway through the second one they came and got her, and she was gone just like that. I didn't even finish that semester, by the way. I never went back there. Occasionally I would hear where she was from people that she managed to call.
Now, we snap forward about 2.5 years from the point Liz was taken away.. Becky and I have had some intermittent contact and we are now friends. Well, sort of friends. We've managed to leave behind the things that happened in the past. We have very strong attractions to each other so being just friends is hard to do. We try dating but that puts too much pressure on us and the communication breaks down, we go back to being friends. Still, our attractions are undeniable so we finally settle into a more-than-friends-but-less-than-coupple relationship. I'm happy, she's happy.
We were talking on the phone and she mentions that she's "trying to start back up [her] relationship with Liz." I didn't even know Liz was still alive, hadn't heard about her in at least one year. I get really excited because I find out she's back in town. Just then, Liz calls her. Becky switches to 3-way calling and it's wonderful to be able to talk to her again. I invite her on the trip Becky and I were planning on making to a Medival Fair in The City. I'm so very excited about seeing her again and having her in my life again.
At first, in the ride up there, it was a bit awkward as we slowly begin to feel each other out (not physically, I'm trying to drive!) but then once we arrive it's really great. Of course, I am my usual self with the non-stop praises, sexual inuendos, znd blatant "hits". After we left to take Becky home (she had to go to work at like 2:00pm) Liz and I spent several more hours together, as she really didn't want to go home. I then started to reexperience those feelings of true, total love for her. However, I learned that she has a boyfriend named John. Definitely this poses a problem. I gave her my phone number and told her that if she needed anything that she could call me. That made her REALLY happy. I could see in her eyes that she loved me, though I wasn't sure if it was in a romantic way.
The next day (Monday of this week) her mom told her she doesn't want her hanging around al day. So, I am supposed to call her as soon as I wake up. Well, I did and it was really early. Her mom says she just fell asleep and hasn't slept in days so she's not going to wake her up. That's ok, I don't want to disturb her sleep. I finally get in toutch with her around 1:00 and we go out and mess around for a few hours. I buy her lunch at the Chinese place in the mall (took a bit of coaxing to get her to accept). In the car she tells me that she has 30 days to move out of her parents house and she and John are going to get an apartment together. She also tells me about her and Beckys friend Aaron (who I met the day before) and how he will always be number one in her heart, even above John. She tells me about how she was in a homeless shelter in December and Aaron came and let her live with him, and how for the past three months he's been right by her side the whole time. She's slept with him twice while she was dating John. Now she is living with her parents, or rather the people she calls her parents- they just kind of took her in as one of their own.
Then she wants to go shoot pool and so we do that for a bit, then it's time for me to leave for an evening activity (Civil Air Patrol for those of you who know what it is). I change into my flight suit at her place and when I come out she obviously thinks I'm very attractive in it. I think she used the word "adorable." That night John is supposed to arrive. I can't even sleep that night because I knew they were doing it like rabbits.
The next day I managed to catch her online and she's excited about John being there. She told me her mom asked, after I left the day before, why the hell she ever broke up with me the first time; apparently her mom likes me a lot. When I ask what she did that day she says "[screw], get high, and lock the keys in the van." I winced at the first two parts. The second one is not so much of a problem because Ishe only does it ebcause she's addicted, I know I can help her get off it. I asked her for some relationship advice. She asked if it was about her and I said it was just a theoretical question. I went in and explained what if you were with someone who you were happy with, but then you suddenly realized that there was so much more to true love that you'll never have with that person. Do you break up with them or stay? If you d break up with them, you're taking a risk- what if when you find someone you feel that way about they already decided to settle for less. To that she replied that not all relationships last forever. I knew she knew I was tlaking about her, and it kind of felt like she was saying I should got for it.
I talked to Becky about it the next day and she said I should definitely tell her. I learn that Liz met John over the internet and had never met him in person before. She also told me that Aaron cried the other day when she read his tarrot and it said he would never get together with Liz. Apparently, he really loves her too. Just as an aside, Becky loves Aaron as much as I love Liz and he doesn't know. I decide that I should tell Liz and see what happens. So, I talk to Liz about it and she says she already knew, and that she has a lot of things going on at the moment (John and Aaron, and now me).
She also tells me that John has to leave. He flips out on her a lot and has her really scared, and almost nothing scared her. He has been diagnosed a bi-polar schizophrenic. She's terrified of him and doesn't want to spend another night with him and she wants to tell him that he has to leave when both her parents are around, but she wants him to leave the next day (which will be Thursday in case you're not keeping count) and her dad has to go to work in the morning. However, her mom wants her to use him so he can driver her half-way accross the state Friday. Liz asks me if I'll do it and I agree to. She says she has no idea what he is going to do when she tells him and is afraid to, especially if she's going to have to spend another night with him there. Aaron is there but he is going to have to leave soon. I tell her she can sleep here at my place if she wants but she refuses to leave her family with him. He once raised his hand towards her little 14yo sister as though to strike her. I tell her I'll come over if she needs me.
About 1am Thursday morning she asks me to please come over now. I jump in my car and get there as fast as I can. Her mom fills me in that she is talking to him about it and that she's going to need my as a shoulder to cry on. She tells me that he has been diagnosed as bi-polar schizophrenic only a year and doesn't believe it, thus he is not on his medication. This guy is really out there. I little later they both come storming into the living room yelling at each other and she sits down next to me. She's sitting there her whole body trembling and she's rocking back and forth. I've NEVER seen ANYONE this upset in my entire life. I just put my hand on her back and after a good 10 minutes she starts to get calmed down. Of course, this doesn't last long cause this guy is not going to just sit there quietly. He goes on and on about things I don't really understand (a lot of what he says is either incoherent or doesn't follow any logic, I listened very carefully to everything he said that night).
There's a lot of yelling and calling each other names. It's pure chaos for a good hour or so with them going back and forth, him going outside for a few minutes and doing who knows what, and reappearing, him sitting and talking to himself about things that, while I understood what he was meaning, it's so incoherent that it's impossible to repeat even the idea. He does babble a bit about how she "took his dick, good dick, good dick, good dick, great dick." At one point Liz picks up the phone and dials his parents and forces the phone into his hands. He screams a lot more incoherent stuff including one thing I do remember rather vividly "SHE TOOK MY DICK, SHE TOOK MY DICK MOMMY!"
He talks a lot about how cruel she is, how she "took" his "good dick". He argues with her about how he never did anything to hurt or scare her, about how all he wanted to do was talk. He talks about how all they did was fuck and he just wanted to talk to her. Sometimes he is calm, sometimes he is ranting and raving at the top of his lungs. This goes on for many many hours, all the while I'm just sitting there next to her not saying a word but keeping her calm (most of the time, sometimes she yells and screams back). Finally, he just says "will you please just sit with me, please." And so she sits there on the same couch as him and they talk some, but just about nonsensical things. I don't think that she really had any idea what she was talking about, but it made him happy for a bit and kept him calm.
She started getting sleepy and the moment that she closes her mind and relaxes her body he is all over her, trying to cuddle and rub his now-infamous dick on her. She gets up and leaves for a bit. At some point he goes out for coffee but we realize, about 30 minutes later, that he can't get out of the driveway because thee's another vehicle blocking him in. Well, he's not hiding out there in the van so we don't care where he is. I don't know what time it is now, it's a blurr to me. She WONT go to sleep until he is gone, she can't sleep with him around. Eventually he shows back up claiming he couldnt find the Loves. We honestly don't care what he was doing for that hour or so, because he wasn't around the house messing with people or things. While he was gone she and I talk a lot, she often says how she hates men and I pout "even me?" and she says "well but I don't consider you a man, you're in the Friend category (which is also where Aaron is, but I get the feeling that I'm limited to that single category but he's not.) She asks what sign I am and says that I shouldn't worry, it wouldn't work out anyway because sex is a 2 and love is a 3. This is kind of out of the blue, I'm not sure if that was her way of saying "you have no chance" or not.
Of course, it doesn't take too long for more randomg accusations, arguing, etc. He switches from trying to talk her into letting him stay, to yelling at her for how horrible she is, to talking to himself quit often. Liz gets a migraine, a bad one. Finally, her parents go out to the store to get her some medicine for it. It's about 6am, give or take an hour or two. While they are gone the migraine gets worse, much worse. She turns off all the lights in the house even though she can barely stand, and lies back down. Of course, it never fails that he can only be quiet for a short ammount of time. She's over there whipmering because she's in so much pain and here he is starting to argue and yell at her, accusing her of being such a horrible person. Well, that is NOT helping her migraine. Those of you who know me know that I am Buddhist and very opposed to any violence. I finally told him to shut the hell up (in more words than that) which is about the only thing I've said all these hours. He's quiet for a while, but then starts talking to himself again. Of course, after that he starts in with his usually yelling and screaming and arguing and namecalling again, I am getting Angry. Now, I've been mad, peeved, annoyed, unhappy but NOT Angry for at least 7 years. You can imagine what it means for me to be Angry. This whole time I was feeling very sorry for him and being as nice as I could because he just isn't able to understand the situation. But, now I am getting Angry. I am trying to meditate but my whole body is trembling violently. Only moments before I was about to BE Angry she really opened a proverbial can of whoopass on him and was a real bitch in telling him he'd better shut the fuck up. Of course, it was much more complicated than that but you get the gist of it. Thankfully, it quiets him down for a while. long enough for me to get just enough meditation in to take a few steps back from the brink of Anger. He still pipes up every now and again, but just talking to himself mostly. I manage to cool myself down a bit, but I'm still trembling.
Her migraine is so bad at this point that she decides to get up and stumble around looking for a washrag to put over her face before her nose starts bleeding. She's pretty stubborn, won't let me do anything for her though I certainly tried. She's breaking down and crying harder than I knew a person could cry sometimes. I help get her back to the couch to lay down and gave him a look, he apparently understood that he had better not let one tiny peep out of his mouth from now on. Finally, her parents show up with some medicine around 8:00. The sun is up and she realizes the garbage truck is comming so she goes and takes the garbage out, I can't even get her to take any painkillers before she does it. When she's satisfied with that she goes back and lays down, takes her painkillers, and stays there for a while. He's being nice and quiet, but I give him cold looks occasionally just to let him know I'm still paying attention to him.
Well, finally at about 8:30 he has fallen asleep and she manages to make it to her room. She's doing a but better, but still I can't imagine how horrible she feels. I ask if she wants me to stay and she says she doesn't care, she just wants to sleep. She gives me a big hug and thanks me. She'd been thanking me and telling me I don't have to stay and I need to get some sleep, etc, etc all night long but I still insist that I'll stay as long as I can (have appointment with my shrink in The City every Thursday, I have to leave at 12:30). She kisses her hand and outs it on each of my cheeks. She tells me bye and that she'll see me when she wakes up. I tell her thank you, and make sure she's going to be okay and then I go back to the living room to keep watch on him.
I finally manage to fall asleep for a few hours but I have to head back home at 11:00 in order to get ready to go to The City. Sadly, she's not awake yet which means I won't be there when she does wake up. It also means I won't be there when he actually has to LEAVE.
Well, I call at 4:00pm and ask how things are going, her mom answers and tell me everything is fine. He's gone for good. I ask how Liz is doing and she tells me she's area out doing stuff. I tell her I'll call back later to talk about the details of tommorrows trip. I was kind of hoping I'd see her again today just sort of to wrap everything up, or at least talk to her a while about it. When I call back (10:00pm) her mom says she's over at Aaron's.
So I ask now, Why does my heart feel so bad?
-Moby
First, some background...
The summer before 4th grade we moved. It was a new school and I was the new kid, I only had two people that were actually nice to me at school. Literally every day I cam home in tears. Because of that (and my allergies) my parents moved back to where we had lived since I had been born. Then in 7th grade my classmates who had been my best friends suddenly turned on me. I went through the same thing as in 4th grade, only it hurt worse because it was by people I was so close to. The next summer I had my first love and it turned out she was using me and screwing some 16-year-old in the room next to where I slept (I went to a Christian Baptist summer camp with her). I was already broken by the previous years events, but she just broke me all over again. In 8th grade I was driven 45 minutes to a different school far away (we were planning on moving there) and I had lots of close friends. In 9th grade we actually did move, but to a different place. So, once again I was in a new school with new people. Lot's of things happened that year but not important enough for this limited space. I didn't finish that year because I got sick (mentally) and couldn't handle school anymore. The next year I attended vo-tech and was homeschooled. Then, my Junior year, I went back to my 9th grade school. I caught up with my old best friend and made some new ones, the closest of which was Liz.
I fell in love with Liz the moment I met her. It just so happened that she was dating one of my good friends from vo-tech. When I told him I was in love with his girlfriend he told me "great! please, take her!" and I had the task of breaking up with her for him. We dated for about a week and then decided (ok, she decided...) that we should just be friends. Then I dated one of her closest friends- Becky. Becky was my first. I could write a book on that relationship and the effects it's had on me, except that I've blocked out most of it. In short, I attampted suicide when I realized it was really truely over. However, I didn't have my closest friend, Liz, around to comfort me anymore. She was in DHS custody and they decided to take her away from me one day. She came to school and told me she was going to be leaving sometime that day. We had the first two periods together, midway through the second one they came and got her, and she was gone just like that. I didn't even finish that semester, by the way. I never went back there. Occasionally I would hear where she was from people that she managed to call.
Now, we snap forward about 2.5 years from the point Liz was taken away.. Becky and I have had some intermittent contact and we are now friends. Well, sort of friends. We've managed to leave behind the things that happened in the past. We have very strong attractions to each other so being just friends is hard to do. We try dating but that puts too much pressure on us and the communication breaks down, we go back to being friends. Still, our attractions are undeniable so we finally settle into a more-than-friends-but-less-than-coupple relationship. I'm happy, she's happy.
We were talking on the phone and she mentions that she's "trying to start back up [her] relationship with Liz." I didn't even know Liz was still alive, hadn't heard about her in at least one year. I get really excited because I find out she's back in town. Just then, Liz calls her. Becky switches to 3-way calling and it's wonderful to be able to talk to her again. I invite her on the trip Becky and I were planning on making to a Medival Fair in The City. I'm so very excited about seeing her again and having her in my life again.
At first, in the ride up there, it was a bit awkward as we slowly begin to feel each other out (not physically, I'm trying to drive!) but then once we arrive it's really great. Of course, I am my usual self with the non-stop praises, sexual inuendos, znd blatant "hits". After we left to take Becky home (she had to go to work at like 2:00pm) Liz and I spent several more hours together, as she really didn't want to go home. I then started to reexperience those feelings of true, total love for her. However, I learned that she has a boyfriend named John. Definitely this poses a problem. I gave her my phone number and told her that if she needed anything that she could call me. That made her REALLY happy. I could see in her eyes that she loved me, though I wasn't sure if it was in a romantic way.
The next day (Monday of this week) her mom told her she doesn't want her hanging around al day. So, I am supposed to call her as soon as I wake up. Well, I did and it was really early. Her mom says she just fell asleep and hasn't slept in days so she's not going to wake her up. That's ok, I don't want to disturb her sleep. I finally get in toutch with her around 1:00 and we go out and mess around for a few hours. I buy her lunch at the Chinese place in the mall (took a bit of coaxing to get her to accept). In the car she tells me that she has 30 days to move out of her parents house and she and John are going to get an apartment together. She also tells me about her and Beckys friend Aaron (who I met the day before) and how he will always be number one in her heart, even above John. She tells me about how she was in a homeless shelter in December and Aaron came and let her live with him, and how for the past three months he's been right by her side the whole time. She's slept with him twice while she was dating John. Now she is living with her parents, or rather the people she calls her parents- they just kind of took her in as one of their own.
Then she wants to go shoot pool and so we do that for a bit, then it's time for me to leave for an evening activity (Civil Air Patrol for those of you who know what it is). I change into my flight suit at her place and when I come out she obviously thinks I'm very attractive in it. I think she used the word "adorable." That night John is supposed to arrive. I can't even sleep that night because I knew they were doing it like rabbits.
The next day I managed to catch her online and she's excited about John being there. She told me her mom asked, after I left the day before, why the hell she ever broke up with me the first time; apparently her mom likes me a lot. When I ask what she did that day she says "[screw], get high, and lock the keys in the van." I winced at the first two parts. The second one is not so much of a problem because Ishe only does it ebcause she's addicted, I know I can help her get off it. I asked her for some relationship advice. She asked if it was about her and I said it was just a theoretical question. I went in and explained what if you were with someone who you were happy with, but then you suddenly realized that there was so much more to true love that you'll never have with that person. Do you break up with them or stay? If you d break up with them, you're taking a risk- what if when you find someone you feel that way about they already decided to settle for less. To that she replied that not all relationships last forever. I knew she knew I was tlaking about her, and it kind of felt like she was saying I should got for it.
I talked to Becky about it the next day and she said I should definitely tell her. I learn that Liz met John over the internet and had never met him in person before. She also told me that Aaron cried the other day when she read his tarrot and it said he would never get together with Liz. Apparently, he really loves her too. Just as an aside, Becky loves Aaron as much as I love Liz and he doesn't know. I decide that I should tell Liz and see what happens. So, I talk to Liz about it and she says she already knew, and that she has a lot of things going on at the moment (John and Aaron, and now me).
She also tells me that John has to leave. He flips out on her a lot and has her really scared, and almost nothing scared her. He has been diagnosed a bi-polar schizophrenic. She's terrified of him and doesn't want to spend another night with him and she wants to tell him that he has to leave when both her parents are around, but she wants him to leave the next day (which will be Thursday in case you're not keeping count) and her dad has to go to work in the morning. However, her mom wants her to use him so he can driver her half-way accross the state Friday. Liz asks me if I'll do it and I agree to. She says she has no idea what he is going to do when she tells him and is afraid to, especially if she's going to have to spend another night with him there. Aaron is there but he is going to have to leave soon. I tell her she can sleep here at my place if she wants but she refuses to leave her family with him. He once raised his hand towards her little 14yo sister as though to strike her. I tell her I'll come over if she needs me.
About 1am Thursday morning she asks me to please come over now. I jump in my car and get there as fast as I can. Her mom fills me in that she is talking to him about it and that she's going to need my as a shoulder to cry on. She tells me that he has been diagnosed as bi-polar schizophrenic only a year and doesn't believe it, thus he is not on his medication. This guy is really out there. I little later they both come storming into the living room yelling at each other and she sits down next to me. She's sitting there her whole body trembling and she's rocking back and forth. I've NEVER seen ANYONE this upset in my entire life. I just put my hand on her back and after a good 10 minutes she starts to get calmed down. Of course, this doesn't last long cause this guy is not going to just sit there quietly. He goes on and on about things I don't really understand (a lot of what he says is either incoherent or doesn't follow any logic, I listened very carefully to everything he said that night).
There's a lot of yelling and calling each other names. It's pure chaos for a good hour or so with them going back and forth, him going outside for a few minutes and doing who knows what, and reappearing, him sitting and talking to himself about things that, while I understood what he was meaning, it's so incoherent that it's impossible to repeat even the idea. He does babble a bit about how she "took his dick, good dick, good dick, good dick, great dick." At one point Liz picks up the phone and dials his parents and forces the phone into his hands. He screams a lot more incoherent stuff including one thing I do remember rather vividly "SHE TOOK MY DICK, SHE TOOK MY DICK MOMMY!"
He talks a lot about how cruel she is, how she "took" his "good dick". He argues with her about how he never did anything to hurt or scare her, about how all he wanted to do was talk. He talks about how all they did was fuck and he just wanted to talk to her. Sometimes he is calm, sometimes he is ranting and raving at the top of his lungs. This goes on for many many hours, all the while I'm just sitting there next to her not saying a word but keeping her calm (most of the time, sometimes she yells and screams back). Finally, he just says "will you please just sit with me, please." And so she sits there on the same couch as him and they talk some, but just about nonsensical things. I don't think that she really had any idea what she was talking about, but it made him happy for a bit and kept him calm.
She started getting sleepy and the moment that she closes her mind and relaxes her body he is all over her, trying to cuddle and rub his now-infamous dick on her. She gets up and leaves for a bit. At some point he goes out for coffee but we realize, about 30 minutes later, that he can't get out of the driveway because thee's another vehicle blocking him in. Well, he's not hiding out there in the van so we don't care where he is. I don't know what time it is now, it's a blurr to me. She WONT go to sleep until he is gone, she can't sleep with him around. Eventually he shows back up claiming he couldnt find the Loves. We honestly don't care what he was doing for that hour or so, because he wasn't around the house messing with people or things. While he was gone she and I talk a lot, she often says how she hates men and I pout "even me?" and she says "well but I don't consider you a man, you're in the Friend category (which is also where Aaron is, but I get the feeling that I'm limited to that single category but he's not.) She asks what sign I am and says that I shouldn't worry, it wouldn't work out anyway because sex is a 2 and love is a 3. This is kind of out of the blue, I'm not sure if that was her way of saying "you have no chance" or not.
Of course, it doesn't take too long for more randomg accusations, arguing, etc. He switches from trying to talk her into letting him stay, to yelling at her for how horrible she is, to talking to himself quit often. Liz gets a migraine, a bad one. Finally, her parents go out to the store to get her some medicine for it. It's about 6am, give or take an hour or two. While they are gone the migraine gets worse, much worse. She turns off all the lights in the house even though she can barely stand, and lies back down. Of course, it never fails that he can only be quiet for a short ammount of time. She's over there whipmering because she's in so much pain and here he is starting to argue and yell at her, accusing her of being such a horrible person. Well, that is NOT helping her migraine. Those of you who know me know that I am Buddhist and very opposed to any violence. I finally told him to shut the hell up (in more words than that) which is about the only thing I've said all these hours. He's quiet for a while, but then starts talking to himself again. Of course, after that he starts in with his usually yelling and screaming and arguing and namecalling again, I am getting Angry. Now, I've been mad, peeved, annoyed, unhappy but NOT Angry for at least 7 years. You can imagine what it means for me to be Angry. This whole time I was feeling very sorry for him and being as nice as I could because he just isn't able to understand the situation. But, now I am getting Angry. I am trying to meditate but my whole body is trembling violently. Only moments before I was about to BE Angry she really opened a proverbial can of whoopass on him and was a real bitch in telling him he'd better shut the fuck up. Of course, it was much more complicated than that but you get the gist of it. Thankfully, it quiets him down for a while. long enough for me to get just enough meditation in to take a few steps back from the brink of Anger. He still pipes up every now and again, but just talking to himself mostly. I manage to cool myself down a bit, but I'm still trembling.
Her migraine is so bad at this point that she decides to get up and stumble around looking for a washrag to put over her face before her nose starts bleeding. She's pretty stubborn, won't let me do anything for her though I certainly tried. She's breaking down and crying harder than I knew a person could cry sometimes. I help get her back to the couch to lay down and gave him a look, he apparently understood that he had better not let one tiny peep out of his mouth from now on. Finally, her parents show up with some medicine around 8:00. The sun is up and she realizes the garbage truck is comming so she goes and takes the garbage out, I can't even get her to take any painkillers before she does it. When she's satisfied with that she goes back and lays down, takes her painkillers, and stays there for a while. He's being nice and quiet, but I give him cold looks occasionally just to let him know I'm still paying attention to him.
Well, finally at about 8:30 he has fallen asleep and she manages to make it to her room. She's doing a but better, but still I can't imagine how horrible she feels. I ask if she wants me to stay and she says she doesn't care, she just wants to sleep. She gives me a big hug and thanks me. She'd been thanking me and telling me I don't have to stay and I need to get some sleep, etc, etc all night long but I still insist that I'll stay as long as I can (have appointment with my shrink in The City every Thursday, I have to leave at 12:30). She kisses her hand and outs it on each of my cheeks. She tells me bye and that she'll see me when she wakes up. I tell her thank you, and make sure she's going to be okay and then I go back to the living room to keep watch on him.
I finally manage to fall asleep for a few hours but I have to head back home at 11:00 in order to get ready to go to The City. Sadly, she's not awake yet which means I won't be there when she does wake up. It also means I won't be there when he actually has to LEAVE.
Well, I call at 4:00pm and ask how things are going, her mom answers and tell me everything is fine. He's gone for good. I ask how Liz is doing and she tells me she's area out doing stuff. I tell her I'll call back later to talk about the details of tommorrows trip. I was kind of hoping I'd see her again today just sort of to wrap everything up, or at least talk to her a while about it. When I call back (10:00pm) her mom says she's over at Aaron's.
So I ask now, Why does my heart feel so bad?
Anyway though to most it seems like a lot of trouble, they are not part of it, therefore take their advice but decide yourself. I guess you feel bad cause you believe you can't have her? Yet to ask for help online it seems you really need some advice. So heres mine, talk to her, tell her how you feel, in person though not on phone or online. What she says you'll have to handle but im sure your used to pain and anger as few are. Theres nothing else you can do. If you don't, you know what will happen. It will never end....... until you finally drop the, i ease others pain by taking it on myself which probably won't happen till something major happens 
. its good to help but shes killing you and if you can't have her i don't think it will only make you sad...depression... suicide 
