Why Does My Heart Feel So Bad

[PaulS]

Just read this, and the first thing that came to mind was 'DRAMA'.

I'm going to have to echo other people's sentiments, and suggest you pull yourself together and get out of this. It really isn't worth all this hassle, no matter what you might think right now. Relationships shouldn't be hard work, yet this girl is making you jump through hoops, and you're allowing her to fuck with your head and your emotions (and you do seem pretty emotional).

Abort, Abort, Abort.

 

[Sage]

I'm going to have to echo other people's sentiments, and suggest you pull yourself together and get out of this. It really isn't worth all this hassle, no matter what you might think right now. Relationships shouldn't be hard work, yet this girl is making you jump through hoops, and you're allowing her to fuck with your head and your emotions (and you do seem pretty emotional).

Abort, Abort, Abort.

well, she reciprocates the same love and attention that I give to her. I guess maybe it didn't sound like it because I have a tendency to focus on the bad things. I know it seems bad but, I'm not going to be so fast to jump ship. If things don't get better then I see no reason to stay, but I think they will. The good times are many times better than I've experienced with anyone else. Also, I'm no longer planning on this lasting forver- I'm just taking things one step at a time but trying to be prepared for it to last forever, which is a big difference.

Some info about her that might let you understand her more...
When she was (i think) two her bio mom beat her into a coma that lasted for 3 weeks. When she was nine she was raped. At many other times in her life she's been beaten very severely and even forced to live in a closet and eat her own feces to survive. It's really a miracle that she's alive, and an even greater one that she's not horribly messed up mentally (and don't you start saying "maybe she is" because I'm very good at reading people [me being an empath and all...] and she is most certainly not a nutjob in hiding). The only thing "off" about her is that she has a facination with vampires and even fancies herself one. Now, we are not talking about the traditional "Count Dracula" here, but rather something much more complicated and much less sinister. And you know what? I'm not going to question her. I see as much evidence to believer her as I see not to... ie none, other than her word of course. Now, if I were to psychoanalyze that (which I'm extremely good at, by the way) then I would say that it's her way of dealing with feelings of helpless when things happened to her in the past- she doesn't want to feel helpless and so has thoughts of being a semi-immortal being with a great many powers over mankind.

I think that her feelings of helplessness are where that other side that I talked about earlier comes from. That other side is the only thing that I have a real problem with and I think that it will fade with time, never completely going away but becomming something that only pops up when she feels really threatened. And, knowing that it's just a defense mechanism triggered by fear how can I be unhappy with her for that? It just makes me fell pitty for her for what she has been through.

 

[PaulS]

I know you pity her, but maybe that's the problem here. Pity and more positive feelings are often confused, and - were the pity issue not enough - she has baggage a mile long, and now she wants to be a vampire

Honestly, I think you're in over your head here, and you're only pursuing this as some kind of mission to "save her". Perhaps you'd do better saving yourself, and perhaps getting her some serious, professional help. Much as you think you can read her, I'm highly skeptical she is suffering no ill effects from her childhood (and you seem to admit as much at the end, despite your earlier protests).

Again, I think you need to back away from this - at the very least until she's at least half way to sorting herself out. You both need some space and perspective.

 

[Sage]

Well, vampire != she wants to suck peoples blood. I know a lot of people who are into vampires and their ideas of vampires are not at all the sinister creatures that we have been taught about. They are not savage killers, but mystical creatures with some seemingly-magical abilities.

I don't think I'm in over my head here at all. I've "saved" several people (and usually have one or two projects I'm working on) and this isn't what's going on here. I love her because I have a connection with her, she makes me feel loved also. I didn't say she was suffering no ill effects from her childhood, but it's not the kinds of things that I have seen others exhibit. She's capable of leading a normal life, and that's what I was talking about. As much as I'd like to get her some professional help it's not what she needs right now (I think she would reject it, what she needs is just for someone to care about her and be there for her). Oh yeah, and there's no way I could afford it right now. As for saving myself- I'm working on that, too. I am under professional care, but it's to the point now where I don't really need it even though it does help.

Yeah, she has baggage a mile long but, do you know anyone who doesn't have baggage? If you do then it''s probably that they have a LOT and are not able to deal with it, and likely will never be able to. However, I know that she CAN deal with hers.

 

[Sage]

interesting... she was just talking to me on the phone and said "yeah, after we have our little talk you will change your mind about me" which has me really interested. I can't really think of anything that would make me change my mind about her.... but actually it just occured to me that maybe she is HIV positive or something? That would explain why she can't have kids (not because she biologically can't, but rather then they would probably have it too...) and why she won't f*ck me. Well, if that's the case then it's a really easy descision for me- I'm not going to leave her for it. I wouldn't risk contracting it myself until the vows are said and the relationship is set in stone, but that's not going to prevent me from loving her. Can you think of anything else that could be wrong? Unless she is blowing something waay out of propotion, I can't.

 

[Sabastian]

interesting... she was just talking to me on the phone and said "yeah, after we have our little talk you will change your mind about me" which has me really interested. I can't really think of anything that would make me change my mind about her.... but actually it just occured to me that maybe she is HIV positive or something? That would explain why she can't have kids (not because she biologically can't, but rather then they would probably have it too...) and why she won't f*ck me. Well, if that's the case then it's a really easy descision for me- I'm not going to leave her for it. I wouldn't risk contracting it myself until the vows are said and the relationship is set in stone, but that's not going to prevent me from loving her. Can you think of anything else that could be wrong? Unless she is blowing something waay out of propotion, I can't.

Sage sounds like she is going to try to let you down.

Nothing is set in stone, if she has HIV don't envolve yourself further. That would be a tragic choice in my opinion not to mention a horrible fate for her. argh, WTF am I doing. good night.

 

[Sage]

actually, I know that it's going to be something that I will never expect, and I know that it will be a major issue. I think It'll be something that I'll overcome, but I'm not sure. How do I know? Because lately everything that's happened to me has been things that I already have memories of, but I can't quite manage to remember what happened next until it happens again this time around. Kind of like if you were in some kind of machine that recalled your memories as though they were real. It's not Deja Vous. Well.... either that, or I'm going totally off my rocker which is a possibility. (And don't start to blame this on this relationship, it's been going on for about a half a year now.) Oh well, I guess I'll eventually find out, eh?

 

[Sage]

everything that's happened to me has been things that I already have memories of

...and I mean everything. BUT, while I was in the shower just now I was remembering this lamp of Amanda's (my friend I helped move yesterday) and I remember (the first time) putting it down in her mom's house and I was afraid that I had broken it. HOWEVER, this time that didn't happen. The while time I was being extra careful not to let it get broken, but for no particular reason (i was actually concerned about the glass this time, but it was the base I was worried had been broken). This time I wasn't worried that I had broken it. I think that by being extra careful I avoided what could/did happen. That says to me that things are NOT going exactly as they went in my memries, and that I am NOT helplessly hurdling to some horrible end. Things are different this time around, I can be successful.

Now, what's my theory on these memories? Well, I have a few. The first one is based on my belief that true randomness as seen in nature can actually be described with an emensely complex mathematical model, one so complex that our minds cannot even attempt to grasp it, much less solve it. However, I believe that our subconcious minds may be capable of approximating it. This would explain psychic abilities, premenitions, "gut feelings" and the like. And, my concious memories are what my subconcious mind predicted, however they are co complex that I can't conciously access them and am only fed tidbits when theres some trigger. Of course, since it's only an approximation of randomness then things are going to be a little different here and there, and even the smallest thing can end up setting events in an entirely different direction.

My second theory is that I am, somehow, being given a second chance. That I screwed up the first time, but have been given the chance to do things right. Now, whether this is real or I've just been plugged into some machine to give me the experiences, and when it's over I'll wake up and it will be the year 2074 or something like that I really don't know. And, I don't care. This is most certainly the more far-out explainatin and I find it very unlikely.

I actually have a third theory that, while I really don't believe it to be true, I must entertain.... and that's that I'm waaay off my rocker. I'm going to keep trying to prove that true until I do, but thus far I have been entirely unsuccesful. Maybe I need to go to some neurologist that specializes in memory.


Oh well, whatever is really going on doesn't that much matter to me because I feel like thing's can go really well right now. All I really want is hppiness, and it doesn't matter if I'm fking insane or not.

 

[Sage]

actually, I know that it's going to be something that I will never expect

dammit, I was more right about that than I expected....

her: the reason that i wont go out with you is bc untill i am satisfied that i know you and you know me well enough i cant go thru that kind of a relationship right now.....i know that if i did you would just want to be with me forever, and like my mom said, i am only 19 i still have a life to catch up with. and a lot of shit i need to learn
me: oh ok
her: besides the longer your my friend the better chance you will have when i am ready to settle down
me: ok
me: "i know that if i did you would just want to be with me forever" actually, I already do
her: i dont mean to hurt your feeligs, please understand that i am trying desperatly to grow up and my friends are more important right now thatn a bf, for the simple fact that my friends have and always will be here for me.....and that is more than just a fuckbuddy that thinks he has to be up my ass
her: i knwo you do thats y i said that
me: ok, well I can't say it's not painful, but it's nothing I can't deal with. I'll still be here for you when you want me for just a friend and when/if you decide you want me for more
her: i will always want you as a friend, please dont misunderstand me
me: yeah I understood that
me: i meant when you want me JUST as a friend
her: i love spending time with you.....your a awsome person....but i cant be with anyone right now....not after what i just went thru

 

[Sage]

CAN I POSSIBLY BE SANE?
Honestly, I'm having some MAJOR doubts about that...


Okay, here's a chat transcript (I'm a_stoned_rat and Amanda is coollikegandhi2020)...........

a_stoned_rat: dammit I'm bored, I need more friends too
coollikegandhi2020: what are you doing tonight?
a_stoned_rat: oh I'm going out with liz
a_stoned_rat: not really sure why though, she told me a little while ago that she isn't ready to be in a relationship with me and wants to be just friends for a long time first
coollikegandhi2020: that sucks, dude
a_stoned_rat: yeah
a_stoned_rat: she said that if we did have that kind of relationship then she knew I would want to be with her forever... which I already do.
a_stoned_rat: and she says she needs to grow up a lot and learn a lot of things before she's ready to settle down. and by being her friend i'll have a better chance when that time comes
coollikegandhi2020: that's probably true
a_stoned_rat: only problem is I know what that means- it means she still wants to fuck around and just be friends with me whie she does it, and then when she's done I'm supposed to be just fine with that
coollikegandhi2020: yeah, most people won't go for that, and really it's not fair to ask that of someone, but maybe that's what she needs
a_stoned_rat: yeah, and it just makes it more confusing that we still ahve this date tonight
a_stoned_rat: I really don't know what to expect, and I don't know where my boundaries are. I don't want to do anything that makes her uncomfortable, but whats the point of being on a date if you don't have some kind of relationship other than just friends
coollikegandhi2020: I dunno... honestly, you should probably tell her you don't want to go out if you are just going to be friends... that is just messed up to do that to someone
coollikegandhi2020: I mean, I understand that she needs a friend, but to string someone along like that is just wrong
a_stoned_rat: well theres also another part to it...
a_stoned_rat: I asked if it we could still cuddle or if that was over. she said she was uncomfortable cuddling anyhow except for the one time we were on her bed and she was reading a book to me. it's very hard for her to get comfortable being close like that to people, especially after that nutjob that she was just with
a_stoned_rat: it took her 3 years of knowing her best friend Aaron and 3 months living with him in his room to get comfortable with him and she still doesnt cuddle with him
a_stoned_rat: and I can understand why she's that way, she's still afraid of being hurt. she was in many very bad places when she was younger- things you and I probbaly can't imagine
coollikegandhi2020: yeah I understand.... and if you can put up with that maybe this will work out for you, but I just know that I used to be like her and all I did was hurt people and screw them over... no one ever got what they wanted from me
a_stoned_rat: yeah, I don't know what to do. I mean, I love her and I want to be there for her but if it continues like this then will it get to a point where I'm so messed up that i can't help either of us?
a_stoned_rat: i really do feel like I'm being given a second chance to do something right, but I can't figure out which is the right descision
a_stoned_rat: you ever have thoughts that you didn't mean to have. something you weren't asking for and you're not really trying to think about, but it's just like something injected them into your brain to force you to think about it?
coollikegandhi2020: oh yeah, that seems to happen a lot
a_stoned_rat: I wonder if it's because of past desires that went unfulfilled but then you changed your mind about wanting them, yet there's a part of you that still wants to fulfill that desire just for the sake of having it fulfilled? or are you just telling yourself you don't want it anymore and you really do?
coollikegandhi2020: I dunno... I don't know what the hell I want anymore
a_stoned_rat: yeah, I know exactly what you mean
a_stoned_rat: I have to wonder if these things have something to do with that other stuff I was talking about - having memories of things that just happened also happening previously, the feeling that I have a second chance not to screw up - and that these are trying to tell me the answer. if that's true then damn it's an easy solution. But that's making a rather large assumption that I'm totally sane, certainly not an assumption that I think I should be making with some of the recent wackyness
coollikegandhi2020: I don't think you have lost it
a_stoned_rat: that's certainly reassuring. but surely you must think that what I'm saying is a little bit wierd
a_stoned_rat: and son of a bitch I finally had a memory of something that happened but BEFORE it happened this time
a_stoned_rat: like just now I had it
coollikegandhi2020: well, I can't really think too deep about it... or much else... right now, so it doesn't really seem all that weird
a_stoned_rat: but it confuses things because it was of what I thought was the solution
a_stoned_rat: but if I did it right the first time then why be given a chance to do it again?
coollikegandhi2020: I'm not sure what you;re talking about...
a_stoned_rat: yeah, sorry, uhhh i don't think this is the right time to go into specifics, not until I have figured more out
coollikegandhi2020: sorry, all I can think about is what the hell just happened and what am I going to do now... I just don't know
a_stoned_rat: I know, but so far you have been a great help to me
a_stoned_rat: just someone else to listen to my ramblings so that I'm not forced to listen to them myself
coollikegandhi2020: okay, then I can pretend to know what you are talking about
a_stoned_rat: heh
*** "coollikegandhi2020" signed off...

okay, so now you must be wondering what these "stray thoughts" were about? Or, maybe you're smart enough to have figured that out already.. it's about her!

See, when I went to that alternative school I was really fsked- a total self-absorbed jackass. Well, the absolutely hated me and would have nothing to do with me, which really surprised because I thought she was a really great human being and I was under the impression that I was too. I had a bit of a crush, nay, a fixation on her for quite some time. Also, my best friend in the world, whom I could call brother or other half, either would work, got very close with her and they even dated very seriously for quite some time. Well, her rejection made me seriusly question how decent of a persona I really was and finally I ended up the carebear that i am today, full of love and hope. She still rejected me but finally I was a dick to her for refusing to help someone else because of her preconceptions of ME. Well, that did it and she finally realized that maybe I had changed. While we became friends, I still did not (and still don't even now) feel comfortable around her. I feel like I have to be closely guarded with the things I do and say to prevent provoking her wrath. I know that I don't really need to be worried about that, but the feeling that I need to be is still real.

Because I feel so intimidated by her I lost all attraction to her and don't really see how any kind of relationship beyond friends would work out, and yet I still have these stary thoughts about her occasionally. And, they have become even more increasing in frequency. A really big one hit when I was telling her about how I expected Liz to cheat on me and break up with me several times before she's done growing up, and Amanda said "I need a guy like that." I can't remember exactly when, but at some point I said that they should meet because they are a whole lot alike (well, the side of Liz that I like it... although if you read the above conversation you'll learn tht Amanda used to also have that other side of liz that I don't like but she worked through it). Those two together really made a big impact, yet I still told myself "no, don't even think like that, you don't want that" because I really honestly am not in love with Amanda and I just don't see myself ever being in love with her.

Okay, now for what I said that I had finally had a memory of something before it happened this time 'round. I was about to tell Amanda what was going on, then usddenly I saw me being at her place about to go on this date with Liz. It was really acward because I was just starting a relationship with Amanda now but then I had to go on a date with someone else, much worse, I had to explain to Liz that I was now with someone else and wouldn't really be waiting around for her. It was a bad situation, destined to lead to things being screwed up with both people.

Well, that really confused me because I was so sure that Amanda was what I was supposed to do to make things right, but why be given a second chance to do things right if I did them right the first time? After a while it came to me- it's about timing, it's all about the right TIMING!

I do have a very strong feeling that there will come a time when I'm have to do something and it will either work out really well or I'll end up fsked (hey maybe I'll get a third chance, heh) but I also have the feeling that *right now* I don't have to make a descision. I'm thinking that time will come at some point tonight, but I'm not sure. So far, I have been amazingly right, but just not in the way that i expected.


And now, for the golden question...

AM I SANE?

What do you think? I think "how can I be?" but then I think "but it's so real." I don't know but I hope that by the time I get to that critical point (assuming I am sane and it does exist) I will have figured out whether I am or not.

 

[Sage]

i give up on posting here, i don't think anyone is even reading it except me. oh yeah that and its tireing having to update it every few hours when something completely the opposite of the last thing happens.

i guess maybe ill post back here when whatever happens happens. maybe.

 

[sytaylor]

Well... I read it and can empathise. You and I have the exact same problem, the maturity of a 60 year old with the experiences of a 19 year old. Through experience you learn how "best" to react to a situation to fulfil your desires, but when there is no precident there is only intellect. I probably have more emotional inteligence than 50 average men combined and yet I'm not dating god because there is no substitute for experience.. Or at least, in my experience

I spent years chasing a girl who lived in the states (and i'm in the UK btw), who sounds VERY similar. Did not like her self, had an appetite for the self destructive, and at times tried to push me away fearing hurting me. What she didn't realise that trying to keep me close "just in case" and sharing those deep soul-like thoughts brought me closer to her than I had been to anyone previously. When I finally got to give her the affection and time she had craved she realised it didn't fit the way she wanted to live at that time.

I was devastated, I feel that to this day she is unhappy with the way things turned out but it was a lesson I needed. Within days of returning from visiting her I found out who my true friends are, and those who cared for me showed it. You can have all the potential in the world to be an amazing person, but you can't have your cake and eat it, being super close and super emotional and being a super destructive young person ARE mutually exclusive.

For what you said about deep desires not fulfilled I think I can relate... I to this day often wonder what it would be like to spend time with the girl I went to visit. I spent so long looking forward to it, that I could swear I almost trained myself to enjoy any form of attention from her. So to counter that, I trained myself not to and can only offer so much because I am spoken for. I hope the best for her, but can do no more.

Meanwhile I'm at my second aniversary with my current girlfriend as of tomorrow, I wouldn't change a thing in my life at this point because I realised that loving someone unconditionally is not a unique experience, and is not destined only for one occasion in your life.

Hope this helps..

 

[Sage]

thank you, sytaylor, thank you.

 

[Sxotty]

Unless you have children, there is no person more important than you.

Don't put up with shit and wait until it gets better. It'll get better when you decide you're worth more than that and go find somebody who agrees with you.

Unless, of course, you like that sort of shit. Then you're exactly where you need to be.

Russ couldn't be more right btw

 

[Sage]

well i'm not going to write a page on last night, but basically she got really upset when we went back to her home to check on her kitten because her parents were really going at it and last night told their kids to choose which one they wanted to live with. lots of problems going on there between her parents. so anyhow that got her REALLY upset and so, of course, she wanted to go to aarons. i dont know exactly what happened between them but i know her emotions were all over the place and she ended up wanting me to leave and staying with aaron (we were back at her place at that point). This morning I knew that he had spent the night with her. Her mom called to ask how i was doing and see if i had fixed her computer yet and i asked. she said Liz spent the night at aarons place and isnt back yet. I know they slept together.


I can't keep going like this, somethings got to change. I'm going to give her the choice whether she wants to be strictly just friends or be in a relationship. I know what she's going to say- she can't make a commitment right now. And, I know what's going to happen if we are just friends- I'll likely not even see her again after a week or two.

 

[sytaylor]

Its sad I know, but its for the best...

 

[Sage]

yeah, I've decided that I must get out of Ardmore as fast as I possibly can. I'm leaving this place and not comming back. Of course, I'll offer for her to come if I know where she's living at the time, but she won't be ready to and then I'll never see her again. Amanda will be leaving about the same time too and she'll end up not too far from me and then we will start dating.

Hey, this is starting to make sense. I think I'm in a coma and in my head I'm going over my life and past regrets (leaving Liz being one of them) but the only reason I'm going through it is so that I'll realize that I really did make the best descisions I could have and then I'll come out of it and my best friends - Amanda, Cris, and someone I ahvn't met yet - will be there. Told you all I was crazy!

 

[Phil]

hey there Sage,

Don't visit this part of Beyond3d much, but read the entire thread in one go. I can only imagine what you are going through - I found myself in a very similar situation (chasing a very special girl that is), but it wasn't nearly as emotional as it could have been if I had been closer to her - and this I am quite happy about, though I still find quite moments where I miss the moments things could have been different and I'd have the knowledge of knowing how things would have worked out, if only they had. Anyway, while reading trought your updates, I couldn't help but thinking the same thing as others - things like it's not worth it, abort, abort. At the same time, I can fully understand that this is something that's one of the hardest things to do, even while being aware that it'd be the best thing...

Hang in there mate and I wish you good luck on the new directions you'll be taking (if you do take them). Good luck!!!

 

[Legion]

honestly i think you have an extreme case of indigestion which you are mistaking for a heart ache.

 

[Althornin]

One of my best friends went throughw hat you are going through, pretty much exactly.
The girl he loved unconditionally (like you love liz) acted in many ways just like Liz. She asked him once if he would marry her even if they never had sex - his answer was "yes".
Well, finally, after 8 years of confusing and mixed signals (things are going great, then things are going bad, she's dating him, now she's dating someone else, she loves him, now she loves him but is dating someone else, etc) and his friends telling him to drop that shit, that he was worth more than that, it fianlly looked like thier relationship was gonna work. Then she became a lesbian and broke his heart, for which act i almost killed her, because of how much it hurt him. Moral of the story is - women who string you along for years are NOT WORTH your time. All this is is a recipe for heartbreak.

You sound so much like he did....all the same emotions, the same responses...ditch her.