How do you get new friends when your when your a grown up?

[Cheezdoodles]

Hey all,

I'm writing this as I am quite depressed lately, and i dont really have anywhere else to ask.

Me and my girlfriend of 6 years broke up recently. This in combination with a new position at work has crated a situation were I suddenly have a lot of free time, and time to realize how lonely I am.

I have no real friends, just some acquaintances that are rather distant - and that i really don't have much connection with. When I was younger, I always had lots of friends, and relatively popular.

The reason why I have no friends i guess is due to me working my ass of for the last couple of years and me taking my last year of studies in a foreign business school. Many of my closest friends also moved to different countries for studies, but they never came back, and live there permanently.

Furthermore, after studies i went the investment banking rute, which for the last 3 years have made me work 80-100 hours a week. This results in having more or less no social life, and the time I had spare, I had to prioritize being with my girlfriend. After declining invitations from friends for a couple of years, I completely lost touch with them. Now when even my gf won't see me anymore I find myself really alone.

So here I am, wondering how do you meet new friends at the age of 27? It's not as easy as when one is in university and you constantly meet new people I have fun with. I also find it hard to invite acquaintances to doing things when it just the the two of us, rather than in a group setting.

I don't really have high expectations for getting any answers here, but it feels good telling someone about how I feel - as I am really struggling with this mentally.

Any suggestions would be appreciated

 

[AlphaWolf]

Take up a casual sport. Rec leagues are a great way to meet people. Along the same lines there are hobby groups or gaming groups (cards, board games, rpgs etc) all over the place.

 

[tongue_of_colicab]

I'm 26 and moved abroad 2 months ago so I'm having a somewhat similar problem. I agree with alpha, joining a club is the best thing you can do. Though I haven't done that myself yet. going for a drink might work as well though I suppose that is very hit or miss. It works for me as I'm one of the few foreigners here but I haven't made any true friends that way. But true friends are hard to find anyway and I suppose just getting some mates to hang out with would be the place you want to start out at.

 

[3dcgi]

Based on observation church seems to be one of the easiest places to meet people, but if you're not religious this isn't an option.

Watching sports can be a good way to get to know someone better, but you need to meet them first. I've found asking people if they want to go to a bar to watch a game is a good way to get to know them better. Of course if you don't like sports or similar teams this doesn't work.

I don't know where you live, but in the USA a site called meetup.com is a good place to find groups of like minded people.

Oh yeah. Having kids is a good way to meet friends. Let them make friends and you can see if the other kid's parents are cool people. Not that I recommend having kids as a means of meeting people. :smile:

 

[Davros]

i went the investment banking rute,

Thats why, you destroyed the economy

 

[Grall]

I'd point out that "social drinking" (so called), is a much better way to become a drinker rather than social, and I'd advise against it.

 

[trinibwoy]

Another vote for picking up a group activity. Casual team sport leagues are a good way to make friends. Running clubs work too. If you're trying to meet women take a salsa class or two - there's always a bunch of single flirtatious women in those.

Of course there's always online dating. While I've never tried it myself it sounds like you can meet a lot of people in a short space of time doing that.

 

[Arwin]

I know the feeling somewhat. I've moved quite far for 'love' and then wife, parenting and job duties have kept me from keeping touch with my old friends, and now both new and old friends also are in the middle of having their second child, which leaves them without a lot of time. Child definitely helps meeting new people, but most parents tend to be very busy with their lives and barely have enough time for the friends they already have. So you're usually better of searching directly for people who are in a similar situation as you.

And for that, the internet these days is hard to beat. I've met a lot of cool people in the past through the internet, and definitely plan on picking that back up whenever I feel a need for it. I'm also taking guitar / music lessons again, which so far hasn't necessarily meant I've picked up new friends, but it certainly fills the evening with an experience that feels a lot like hanging out with like-minded people, and I greatly enjoy it. In thep ast I've also done a lot of dancing, but where I live, dancing is something that usually couples go to, so you'd me more likely to find someone on an activity/dating type site that is looking for a dance-partner than go to dancing class and find someone there who is single.

 

[Grall]

Pick up the violin... Become a member of a symphonic orchestra.

(Well, that's what I'd like to do actually. Doubt I have the talent, perserverence needed though.)

 

[Mariner]

Of course there's always online dating. While I've never tried it myself it sounds like you can sleep with a lot of people in a short space of time doing that.

Corrected that for you. Before I met my fiancee I had been single for some time and a couple of friends recommended online dating with the promise that they had never had so much sex when doing it themselves! Never quite got around to trying it myself, however!

Joining a club (sporting or otherwise), would certainly seem the best way to make friends. Social drinking will only work of you are a pretty social sort of person. Personally I've never really been someone who gets talking to people I didn't know when heading out for a night out. On the other hand, I have other friends who always seemed to end up with a new buddy every time they went out!

 

[Mize]

Cheezedoodles, you might want to go back and review your thread from, what was it? 1-2 years ago?, on whether working 80-100 hrs/week in pursuit of $$$ was a good idea. Maybe you won't continue to make the same mistake now that you see one place that lifestyle will take you.

 

[John Reynolds]

Personally I've never really been someone who gets talking to people I didn't know when heading out for a night out. On the other hand, I have other friends who always seemed to end up with a new buddy every time they went out!

I'm the exact same way and have friends like that too. Can't walk into a store without one making a new friend out of a total stranger. Me? There's a reason a good friend in high school once told me that the Police's "Don't Stand So Close To Me" should be my theme song for life.

 

[Mize]

Here's the old thread:
http://forum.beyond3d.com/showthread.php?t=61643&highlight=investment+banking

From that thread:

100 hrs/week for $300k/year is $120k/year for someone who works 40 hrs/week with weekends, holidays and a life. I assume if you're an investment banker you live in a very high cost of living locale (New York, SF, LA, etc.) and you live the expensive style (restaurants no time to cook etc.) so *your* $300k is probably more like many people's $150k.

Then there's that $10 million/year carrot. What percentage actually ever get close to that? How many $300k/year grunts are there for every one $10 million/year elite? Sounds like a ponzi scheme to me.

I feel sorry for you, but wish you good luck with that nonetheless.

Last week I took my kids on different days to the dentist, waxed my convertible, walked my dogs around the nearby lake three times, cooked breakfast for the whole family every morning and dinner 4 of the nights (my wife cooked the other 3), quizzed my son for his science test, drove my daughter to and from her SAT test and put in a good 10+ hours of PC gaming all while getting good sleep...right now I just got up from napping in the sun on the deck with my wife and I'm going to fill my iced tea and head back out.

Life is today.

Recap of the "lesser pursuit of $$$ life" one year later...last night the whole family and friends did a Dr. Who marathon...kids were up way later than I was. Woke up early and made New Mexico breakfast burritos for the whole lot of them. About to head out to take a walk with the dogs and kids around a nearby lake at a city park (about 3 miles). Taking friends to dinner this week and attending another friend's duaghter's wedding next weekend.

You've got more income...but you've paid far too dearly for it.

 

[StarAD]

Hey! Some months ago I moved to a new city to work and I used this website to meet new people. If there is a big comunity in your city, you will find a lot of open mind people. There is always someone creating an event to do something interesting.

http://couchsurfing.org

I hope this will be useful for you and you can distract your mind

-----------------------------
http://www.cgstarad.com

 

[Sxotty]

Comon mize he probably realizes that now. Life is definitely an exercise in optimization.

Take up a casual sport. Rec leagues are a great way to meet people. Along the same lines there are hobby groups or gaming groups (cards, board games, rpgs etc) all over the place.

I agree with that notion.

 

[french toast]

It can be difficult making friends..some people have a natural knack of finding them...ive been lucky in that sense...however like most people i have had instances of the 'blues'..most people experience these things sometime in life.

If the main issue is indeed lonelyness..and not something else such as diet (high gi or sugar, stimulents even coffee, lack of sleep, lack of veg and fruit then many of the above suggestions are good options.

What kimd of things are you intetested in? Have a think and try to make a step in that direction..maybe a club, walking group? Charity work (helping people often helps self asteem, make you feel worthwhile and also involves meeting people amd making friends, also the chicks like that sort of thing )

Go to the gym..exercise is the best tonic for the blues and again..means meeting people...often gyms organise social activities....same again with a martial arts club...i love a good run or a muay tai boxing sesh on occasion.

Sometimes just takimg the initiative like you are doing here is good, certainly if you were saying this to me in town for instance i would go for a drink you and likely many more people would bring you into their social groups...humans can be good like that.

Dont dismiss the diet and sleep aspect though...remember if you dont eat properly..that can cause depression on its own..and depression automatically makes you feel lonely and down..sometimes something as simple as this can be overlooked.

 

[Mize]

Comon mize he probably realizes that now. Life is definitely an exercise in optimization.

Really? I have friends who have been in the same place Cheez is now and they simply cannot stop the money chase no matter how much it ruins them.

But, let's assume you (Cheez) are ready to make some changes and step back from the full time rat race. If so, group sports is definitely a great place to start. I cycle 2-3x per week with a great bunch of people. Found out about the group through a bike shop and introduced myself back in October. Made quite a few friends having known none of them to start with. Not a cyclist? Find a climbing gym or a gym where people get together to shoot hoops before work, etc...when I was younger (like you are) I played in an ultimate frisbee league that was a great place to get to know new folks.

The trick is that you can't do any of this until you carve out the time to do it. My cycling, for example, is about 50-60 mile rides 2-3 times per week. Counting the time to get to the starting point by car that's 7-12 hours of daylight every week that I have to work hard to set aside.

 

[London Geezer]

Looking past the obvious 'take up a sport' kind of options... Taking up a sport will get you acquaintances, it won't fix the 'problem'.

The best way to make new, real friends is by turning those acquaintances into real friends, by caring for them and their lives. You can only do that when those acquaintances are people that interest you more than the odd drink or social situation.

You won't 'find' new friends. You will meet people who will take a little while, generally, to let you into their lives, their secrets. It takes time for people to open up their lives and basically talk about their dirty laundry with someone they just met. Cause that's what friends do.

You need to have self esteem. Because when people don't have self esteem they hesitate in doing everything. They become 'depressed' in the non clinical sense of the word. And sometimes also in the clinical sense.

I'm way past 27 but i'm making new friends all the time. Some are acquaintances, some have become real friends. Some quickly, some not so quickly.

You need to be open. You need to stop thinking about the past. Why don't you contact those friends you 'lost' when you focused on other aspects of your life? Surely they would be happy to see you again and will understand what happened in the last few years. That's if you think they are interesting enough and can improve your life. If you don't think that's the case, then don't waste your time.

It's really all about how you present yourself to the outside world. Tell stories. That's been one of the ways for me to be able to break the ice. Find 'your thing'. My 'thing' is having a story for everything. The most fucked up the story is, in a funny way, the better. Every time i feel a bit uncomfortable about something, stories just come out and the conversation gets going. Until i get annoying - but the thing is that even being annoying (in a funny way) will get people closer to you.

That's just my experience of going from a very shy little boy (you'd never have guessed), to who i am today.

It's not easy.

*Big hug*

 

[Grall]

Oh great. Now you've given him gay kooties!

 

[Davros]

People are horrible(mostly), your better off without them...