digitalwanderer
Legend
Diplo said:
She's implying that Bush is a cunt. "Country=count=cunt"Guden Oden said:
Post Misc Jokes Thread
- Thread starter Deepak
- Start date
digitalwanderer said:
Ah, I see... Well you're too cunning a bunch of linguists for me.
Joke (funny):
A little girl was playing in the garden when she spied two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.
"That's a daddy long legs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a mommy long legs?" the little girl asked.
"No," her father replied. "Both of them are daddy long legs."
The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat.
"Well, we're not having any of THAT in our garden."[/quote]
A Rabbi and a catholic priest are sharing a compartment on a longish train ride. There has been an uncomfortable silence for a while, so finally the priest asks:
"So, Rabbi, I hear that men of your persuasion are not allowed to eat pork, is this true?"
"Yes", answers the Rabbi, "We can't eat pork."
"And have you ever caved in to the temptation and tried some?"
"Well, yes" says the rabbi, "Once in my twenties I tried some bacon".
"AHA!" the priest shouts triumphantly. "Did you like it?"
"Why yes, it was quite nice."
Anoter uncomfortable silence follows and then the rabbi asks:
"Tell me father, is it true that men of your faith are not allowed to have sexual relations with a woman?"
"Hrm, why yes, that is correct" answers the priest, somewhat uncomfortably.
"And have you ever succumbed to temptation and been with a woman?"
"I certainly have not! Never!" replies the priest somewhat offended.
"That's a shame" says the rabbi, "It sure beats bacon".
"So, Rabbi, I hear that men of your persuasion are not allowed to eat pork, is this true?"
"Yes", answers the Rabbi, "We can't eat pork."
"And have you ever caved in to the temptation and tried some?"
"Well, yes" says the rabbi, "Once in my twenties I tried some bacon".
"AHA!" the priest shouts triumphantly. "Did you like it?"
"Why yes, it was quite nice."
Anoter uncomfortable silence follows and then the rabbi asks:
"Tell me father, is it true that men of your faith are not allowed to have sexual relations with a woman?"
"Hrm, why yes, that is correct" answers the priest, somewhat uncomfortably.
"And have you ever succumbed to temptation and been with a woman?"
"I certainly have not! Never!" replies the priest somewhat offended.
"That's a shame" says the rabbi, "It sure beats bacon".
A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail. Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've reached
Date: 16 May 2002
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just reached and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to Seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
Yours'..............
**************
A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with ’Betty Sue’ written on it."
He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? ’Betty Sue’ was the name of the horse I went there to bet on." She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he’s reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She answers, "Your horse called."
**********************
A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared,
"Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!
Later, the lion confronts a ox and fiercely bellows,
"Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The terrified ox stammers, "Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!"
On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it’d been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away.
The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant -
"Just because you don’t know the answer, you don’t have to get so upset about it!"
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've reached
Date: 16 May 2002
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just reached and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to Seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
Yours'..............
**************
A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with ’Betty Sue’ written on it."
He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? ’Betty Sue’ was the name of the horse I went there to bet on." She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he’s reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She answers, "Your horse called."
**********************
A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared,
"Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!
Later, the lion confronts a ox and fiercely bellows,
"Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The terrified ox stammers, "Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!"
On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it’d been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away.
The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant -
"Just because you don’t know the answer, you don’t have to get so upset about it!"
cloudscapes
Regular
*point to the above two posts*
Splendid! 8) 8) 8)
Splendid! 8) 8) 8)
Came back from 5+ year old son's end-of-year concert (he won the "Best Helper" award... apparently he is the best kid in his year -- there are 5 classes for his age group -- in terms of helping the teachers... like arranging all other kids' school bags, the class' chairs, etc... not sure I'm too happy about that!) and the concert's MC said that he has some jokes about what happens in the school during the year :
One particular class was very noisy.
Teacher : Is this a fish market?
5+year old Kid A : No, this is a class!
Teacher : Is this a night market?
5+ year old Kid B : No, this is a class!
Teacher : So... where do we make so much noise?
A bunch of 5+ year old kids together : AT HOME!
Not exactly a joke but I laughed like shit!
One particular class was very noisy.
Teacher : Is this a fish market?
5+year old Kid A : No, this is a class!
Teacher : Is this a night market?
5+ year old Kid B : No, this is a class!
Teacher : So... where do we make so much noise?
A bunch of 5+ year old kids together : AT HOME!
Not exactly a joke but I laughed like shit!
to break the ice when i first meet my wife for the first time, i told her this joke:
chicken and an egg in bed, chicken turns to the egg and says," that answers that question!"
My wife didnt get it, after a minute or two of trying to explain the joke, we moved onto talking about ourselves. Despite the joke, she still said yes to my marriage proposal later that night.
epic
chicken and an egg in bed, chicken turns to the egg and says," that answers that question!"
My wife didnt get it, after a minute or two of trying to explain the joke, we moved onto talking about ourselves. Despite the joke, she still said yes to my marriage proposal later that night.
epic
yeah within 3 hours i was engaged with her. I flew for 24 hours to meet her, had a 2 hour break at my uncles house and went straight to meet her. Both liked each other after the almost 3 hour interview. and so decided to get engaged. hehe.Humus said:epicstruggle said:
A bit deep, but funny.
Btw, you went directly to marriage proposal the first night?
epic
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps:
"My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says:
"Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says:
"OK, now what?"
He gasps:
"My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says:
"Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says:
"OK, now what?"
An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another Woof for the same price." "But," the dog replied, "that would make no sense at all."
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