Heart to heart thread: meeting new people in your late 20's

[PARANOiA]

I'm currently going through a drawn-out break-up at the moment - the relationship is done but we're sorting out practical and financial details at the moment. We actually split on our 6th anniversary, and I'm 27. As an added variable, most of "our" friends are going to be "her" friends at the end of this split. It's complicated, but basically I'm at the stage where I need to shake the etch-a-sketch of my life and start over socially.

So I'm single again, and I'm looking to meet new people - both potential partners and new friends. I've always been a quiet guy, but I'm polite and can be witty. I have a hectic job which usually means late-ish nights on weeknights, and I enjoy my peaceful weekends doing a whole lot of nothing. I'm in a secure and well-paying job, and I own my own house.

I need some tips on good ways that I should be going about meeting people. All of the friends I have left (post-breakup) are those I made in school and uni. Pretty much none of those people are in my city, either, since I moved with my ex across the country... so I don't have much of a starting platform to dive off of. After uni, I'm finding it much harder to make friendships that aren't just office or coffee friendships. This is made more complicated by the fact that in my area I'm managing all of the people around my age, and my peers (management level) tend to be older and have families, kids and whatnot. It's generally awkward for both sides being the boss trying to be "one of the guys" at the pub.

I hate sports, so joining a team is a bad idea. I could try the pubbing/clubbing route, but going there tends to bring you closer to the kinds of people I couldn't imagine wanting to spend too much time with. I do like live music, so I should start pushing myself out there a bit more.

So anyone been in a similar situation? Should I just "wait for fate"? Tips and tricks are much appreciated.

Hope I'm not bringing too much puny human emotion to B3D

 

[Davros]

Go here : http://forum.beyond3d.com/showthread.php?t=52620

And let the "Sacred Terrabyte of Gaming Goodness" ease your loneliness
goodness is your passport to happy times...
Worship at the Altar of Gaming Goodness my brother, let it fill your mind with strange new worlds, mysterious people and great adventures.
And be forever vilgilant, consoles may look like offering you the promised land, but will only lead to "Teh Evil"
Remember P.C Gaming is the only path to true salvation for it is the path of righteousness...
May the Gods of P.C Gaming smile upon you...

 

[Arwin]

Lol @ the mad G(r)eek.

Anyway, for me internet dating was a tremendous help. It's very efficient, once you discover the right dating site, and I used the strategy where I would first try chatting with girls online for a while to see what they're like, and then meet them in person. This makes the actual meet a lot less awkward, because you already have something to talk about and you're not complete strangers.

I've done this a few times in the last decade, and each time it took me only about 2-3 months to find someone to hook up with for a steady relationship, and have made a few friends and had some good times in the process. Another time I wasn't out looking for a date, but just went here to chat with some new girls just after I broke up with a girl, just to give me some comfort in knowing that there are other girls out there, if you know what I mean.

One important aspect of internet dating is that if you can have an open mind, you can discover whether or not you need to adjust your own image of what you think is 'your type', by dating people for a while who are a little bit different. The other is that you should never go 100% by a first date. If you had a decent time with someone, but you didn't feel a spark, give it some time. Even purely physically, you need to have a proper chance to smell someone's pheromones, so to speak - which typically doesn't happen in a bar where there's the smell of beer, sweat and whatnot. Also, over time you can really grow to like each other a lot more than you'd initially think based on looks - if you grow to like someone, you'll also grow to like their appearance, because you associate the two ...

Anyway, just my two-cents.

 

[tongue_of_colicab]

I've never been in your position but im quiet and shy too so I kind of understand the position you are in. I suppose there really isnt any other way than to go out and talk to people. If you like live music, go to concerts. I found out its fairly easy to get into talks with people there. Pubs maybe too, I think there are enough pubs that are nice and relaxed and not the party type of thing. As you live in Melbourne, cant you go to the beach? Its nice weather there most of the time right? As a plus you'll know right away what you are dealing with. And you can combine going to the beach really good with doing a whole lot of nothing. Cant give any tips as how to actually get into talks. I'm useless when it comes down to chatting with girls around my age but for some reason I seem to do better with older woman without even having to do something for it...

As far fate? I wouldnt wait for that. I've been doing that for over 8 years so be prepared for fate taking a very damn long time to reach you. Which is still OK for me as I just turned 22 so I still have 3 years before im over my top, you're already getting old, so better help fate a bit

Ofcourse, if that all fails Davros solution would be the way to go.

 

[Davros]

Or you could just marry colicab

 

[Humus]

internet dating

Another vote for this.
I'm social with people I know well. But I can be very shy with people I don't know, and in particular girls I'm attracted to. I'm too shy to pick anyone up at a social event. And trying to get a date with any girl I know it pretty much out of the question. I got burned pretty badly a couple of times early in life, so I feel very uncomfortable about even trying just for the risk of embarassment and damaged friendship. The good thing about internet dating is that when I meet someone I know that she's also looking for a relationship. It just makes everything so much easier.

 

[tongue_of_colicab]

Does internet dating really work? I mean, you'd think that any decent girl/woman could find a guy out there and that the girls/woman that go to that kind of sites are just whats left. I dont really have any evidence to back this up though the company I used to be at a couple of years ago had 1 woman (I believe she was 28 or so) who was doing internet dating and lets just say I wasnt suprised she had to resort to that. Not to mention that sometimes on the messageboards you got people posting profiles for fun and sometimes it really makes me go OMG. So im biased.

Which sites did you visit Arwin? And on a little side not, whats the color of your Prius? I must be living pretty close to you now, im gonna hunt your Prius down

Or you could just marry colicab

So you want to turn our relationship into a three-way? I didnt know you where so dissatisfied with me! you should have talked about it, you break my heart :'(

 

[Davros]

Hey i break all the ladies hearts

Which sites did you visit Arwin? (

May i recommend Taliban Singles Online

 

[RudeCurve]

http://www.eharmony.com/

 

[epicstruggle]

So anyone been in a similar situation? Should I just "wait for fate"? Tips and tricks are much appreciated.

Hope I'm not bringing too much puny human emotion to B3D

Do you have any hobbies or interests? If you do, why not look for others with an interest and build friendships that way.

If you have the time you can try going back to uni and getting a masters, this will get you to meet people your own age and with a similar background.

Hope that helps.

 

[_xxx_]

Join some clubs and social activities, that's the best way to meet people outside the bar-disco-meatmarket scene. As opposed to that scene, you will meet some normal and not deranged people there too.

 

[Humus]

Does internet dating really work? I mean, you'd think that any decent girl/woman could find a guy out there and that the girls/woman that go to that kind of sites are just whats left.

That's one of many myths about internet dating. In my experience the girls on dating sites are normal people. Yes, there are ugly ones too, but I've also dated some of the best looking girls I've ever met through internet dating. Internet dating is mainstream these days. All kinds of people do it.

Another common myth is that people use fake pictures and you might be chatting with a 50 year old guy instead of the hot 23 year old you thought. I've been using internet dating on and off since early 2006 and have dated more girls than I can remember. Never once have I encountered anyone who misrepresented herself in any shape or form. More often than not, the girl I meet look better in real life than in their picture.

http://www.eharmony.com/

Why pay for something that sucks where there are good sites that are free?

Here's one I used when I lived in Canada:
http://www.connectingsingles.com/

 

[Arwin]

Does internet dating really work? I mean, you'd think that any decent girl/woman could find a guy out there and that the girls/woman that go to that kind of sites are just whats left.

Nah, internet dating has become totally mainstream. When I first started doing it a long time ago and it wasn't as mainstream, I had some friends ask me in complete amazement why I 'needed' it? They had typically looked up to me for being the 'ladies man', and internet dating is only for desperate people, similar to how putting an ad in the papers used to be looked down on.

There are a lot of reasons why internet dating is so superior to so many other forms of dating. The easiest to explain reason is perhaps pure mathematics - in the Netherlands, at any one time, about 1 in 7 people is single. However, if you were to go to a special place where there were 40 random girls and they were all single, even how many of those would you want to date? How many would want to date you? Say that 4 out of those 40 actually want to date you and you want to date them. Then what are the odds that you actually both click? 1 out of those 4? Maybe less?

Now add that all up - 1 in 7 is single. Of those singles, maybe one out of 10 wants to date you and you want to date them. Out of those, (optimistically) 1 in 4 you may actually click with so that you can go out with them on a regular basis and develop a relationship. In this fairly optimistic scenario, you need to go to a bar where there are 40 single girls, and you need to somehow figure out in a din of loud noise, alcohol and competition from other guys, which one of those is your type. In reality, when you go to a bar maybe 1 out of 4 is single, usually less (close to that one in 7). But they don't write that on their foreheads. And some of them may not be your age-group, etc.

Outside of the dating scene, say, work, school, clubs, friends and so on, there's also a chance to meet someone, but apart from that the above holds true plus there's less filtering for age and single, those groups don't change that much - you tend to meet relatively few new people throughout your life, especially after school. I met a few girls during my university days, but that was a good filter in itself - fairly intelligent girls, same age group, more of them single, and I studied English, where the boy/girl ration was about 1:12 (pretty good odds ). Even then though, I only met about 2 girls I really hit it off with (and only one I'm still good friends with).

Anyway, finding someone under 'natural circumstances' is a pretty tall order. Enter internet dating, where you can easily put yourself 'on the market'. Especially on websites where you have to pay a small fee (that filters out the fakes, jokers, etc.), you'll find a database full of single people looking to hook up. You can filter them by age, education, smoking, profession, etc. - not that you need all those filters, but they help you focus. You can also post a lot of information about yourself (I like to put some texts up there that I type in myself to give people a clearer idea of what kind of personality I am), or not, as you choose. You can indicate whether or not you're interested by writing a short mail why you responded to a profile, or click on someone who's profile you just read and start chatting. After chatting a while, you'll quickly discover if you've at least got something to talk about - this is particularly important to me, more than anything else maybe. Depending on if you like someone, you can bring in voice, video, and real-life meets. Even if you're not good at judging people from profiles and chatting initially, or you suck at presenting yourself, you'll benefit because you'll pick it up soon enough. As long as you're open enough and listen to what other people have to say and what interests them, and open up yourself to see whether their interests interest you and vice versa, you'll really quickly find someone you like.

The latest statistics showed that currently more than 60% of relationships form online, and on average about 1 in 3 actual meets end up with people hooking up. This sounds incredible, but even way back when a lot more guys than girls were online (those days now long gone) this was my experience exactly - each time after about 3 dates I'd find someone I hooked up with. And I first learnt about it from much older people I played in a band with - people over 50 rarely find the time to frequent bars anymore and there are very few singles at that age, so when internet started offering these services, that become a big hit very quickly. Then it was 40 year olds, then it was 30 year olds, and now it's everyone.

I dont really have any evidence to back this up though the company I used to be at a couple of years ago had 1 woman (I believe she was 28 or so) who was doing internet dating and lets just say I wasnt suprised she had to resort to that. Not to mention that sometimes on the messageboards you got people posting profiles for fun and sometimes it really makes me go OMG. So im biased.

Of course. So that's partly why I've only ever gone for sites where people pay (I used onehello - no idea how that site is now though, but back then there were a lot of single girls on there with above average education/intelligence, which is something I care for). But this may not even be necessary, if a site has a good reputation.

And on a little side not, whats the color of your Prius? I must be living pretty close to you now, im gonna hunt your Prius down

My Prius is hard to miss, as it's a very bright white. There's currently only one or two other white Prius (Prii? ) driving around in the area, I think. Without stating my address online explicitly, if you go from the back of the central station to the Praxis that's near Oranjeplein, you can't miss it. (unless of course I drove it to work or something)

 

[eastmen]

To be perfectly honest as you get older its harder and harder to meet people.

When your young you meet people through school and its very easy , but as you get older your only options really are work , internet dating , bars , through friends.

Now each has its own problems. Work well you don't want to shit where you eat and office romances that go wrong could get you in alot of trouble or just make work plain suck. Internet dating could be good and who knows it might work , i haven't tried that yet. Bars suck , those people closer to your age are normaly in groups and then if you go to a college scene bar your going to get laughed at being so much older. I also find that the huge maounts of noise make it hard to really meet someone. And through friends sucks for you since it sounds like she had most of hte friends in the releation ship.

I'm 27 also and i'm pretty shy , meeting people esp girls sucks. I sugest joining clubs and take up some activitys like perhaps paint ball , bowling leagues and what not.

But if you were just in a relationship i'd wait and just get used to yourself. Do the things you like and have allways wanted to do and just enjoy yourself. You'll meet people quickly if you start to do that.

 

[Fred]

The best way is to have a friend set you up, or just big dinners/house parties.

I did the bar scene for awhile, more as an exercise in social skills, but you definitely can find a diamond in the rough once and awhile, and theres the alcohol benefit too which makes everything go so much smoother than blind dates.

 

[green.pixel]

Which is still OK for me as I just turned 22 so I still have 3 years before im over my top, you're already getting old, so better help fate a bit .

That's not old. See how Sex&City girls are dating in their thirty-some.

 

[Davros]

thirty-some.

You gotta be kidding.....

 

[Geo]

Church is always good, if you're of that bent. I know many of you aren't. That's fine --jes saying.

Most major urban areas have some kind of young singles groups that are intended to address this need if you take the time to look for them.

The speed dating thing always looked kind of interesting.

 

[green.pixel]

You gotta be kidding.....

And also reaching 40+ like Samantha.

 

[PARANOiA]

I'm looking at online dating options now (OKCupid looks decent and free, and you have to love a Radiohead reference). I've sent (somewhat dry) messages to three people as part of the sign-up process and haven't had a reply as of yet.

Speed-dating is a scary concept. I don't think I really want to dive into that pool just yet. It just seems so... violent.

I'm not the church type

I guess the big thing I'm missing is less around how to get a date and more around how to make actual new genuine friends. It seems a silly thing to say - but making non-work colleagues is really, really tough to me, it seems. My hobbies are generally geekery (gaming, anything tech related really) and the non-participatory arts. I adore music like most people, love live gigs, going to arthouse cinema/watching good films, even gallery openings on occasion.

Anyway thanks for all the suggestions, guys. Please keep 'em coming and I'll keep you updated.