Sorry in advance for possibly jumping a little from issue to another, it's hard to keep it in coherent order because the issues are quite well mixed together.
I was first diagnosed with undefined sleeping disorder, mostly insomnia, and a year or two later, this year 20 years ago, depression. I've also recognized severe codepedency issues in me. Couple years ago I learned from my brother that I've also been going to child psychiatrist in my childhood but haven't dared to ask for my papers from the hospital so far. My mind has pretty much blocked first 10 years or so of my childhood.
I was given meds, one for depression and one for helping me fall asleep, but they didn't do anything for me, so I quit them and seeing others turn into SSRI-zombies made sure I wouldn't be going down the road of testing every damn alternative there is until a match is found, if ever.
Ever since depression has been with me in some form another, but most of the time it hasn't been that bad, you learn to live with it and in general recognize symptoms when it's going to get worse so you can somehow prepare for it. That's how I lived over half of my life. I managed in some point getting a entry level degree on some IT stuff, but that's been worthless, never got me a single job and I've really had longer stints only in my part-time role at io-tech (which is still on going at least) and it's predecessor. My financial situation is shit due both not having a fulltime job and because I've been buying stuff I really don't need on credit just to make me feel a little better for getting something new. I do gigs at one of the psychwards at nearby hospital, but given the random shifts I get (0 to 2 per week) it doesn't help much.
Past few years have been harder, as I finally got my act together well enough to start a new school to become a nurse, depression stayed mostly in the background but instead I started getting growing anxiety issues. Last couple years I've used cannabis to get the anxiety down, only problem is that it's still illegal here which also keeps the prices relatively high (medical is theoretically legal, but in practice you need special permission per patient to prescribe it and the bureau responsible for those permits is doing everything it can to stall and limit the permissions. Practically only people with MS can get it relatively easy, and even then in only very specific form). And yes, I knew the risks with depression and cannabis beforehand.
The growing anxiety issues most likely came from two things: looking really forward first time in years with some expectations for my future, and the fact that the school brought back all bad the memories from my junior high (I think that's the closest match in english for it, it's grades 7 - 9 here) from being excluded and downright bullied both physically and mentally. In elementary it was a little easier, the exclusion didn't really happen yet even if I didn't really have many if any friends. New schools with classmates being adults, I thought it would be different, but being excluded happened very quickly again. Clearly it's something in me, but no-one has ever been able to point any specific reason. I never really learned how to make friends either - today I have few, but they've all come from me knowing someone they know and us just ending up in same places often enough. And we really only see each other on gigs and when drinking. I can't even remember when anyone asked me just to hang out or something, unless drinking was involved, and even then it's rare.
Age crisis is bad too. I'm closer to 40 than 35 and don't have anything to show for my life and I live alone in rented 1 room apartment. Little over year ago, after being alone again for too long, I started dating a girl I had know for years and even hooked up once before. I knew beforehand she had some psychological issues from the more dire end of them, but figured that with the knowledge of my own issues and professional knowledge on specializing on psychiatric nursing would mean it's nothing we couldn't handle together. We split up a month or so ago, but after I've realized it hadn't been a real relationship for the past half a year if not longer, so clearly that didn't go too well either.
It feels like everything has been crumbling down on me at once. It's never just one thing, everything seems to come in piles, there can be several months of nothing bad happening, but then it all rolls down on once. My teeth are shit, I don't have all of them, I don't have money to repair them and they're breaking at increasing speed. I haven't been able to do basic things like brushing my teeth regularily for years now and I'm addicted to coca-cola so that's a recipe for disaster.
I was first diagnosed with undefined sleeping disorder, mostly insomnia, and a year or two later, this year 20 years ago, depression. I've also recognized severe codepedency issues in me. Couple years ago I learned from my brother that I've also been going to child psychiatrist in my childhood but haven't dared to ask for my papers from the hospital so far. My mind has pretty much blocked first 10 years or so of my childhood.
I was given meds, one for depression and one for helping me fall asleep, but they didn't do anything for me, so I quit them and seeing others turn into SSRI-zombies made sure I wouldn't be going down the road of testing every damn alternative there is until a match is found, if ever.
Ever since depression has been with me in some form another, but most of the time it hasn't been that bad, you learn to live with it and in general recognize symptoms when it's going to get worse so you can somehow prepare for it. That's how I lived over half of my life. I managed in some point getting a entry level degree on some IT stuff, but that's been worthless, never got me a single job and I've really had longer stints only in my part-time role at io-tech (which is still on going at least) and it's predecessor. My financial situation is shit due both not having a fulltime job and because I've been buying stuff I really don't need on credit just to make me feel a little better for getting something new. I do gigs at one of the psychwards at nearby hospital, but given the random shifts I get (0 to 2 per week) it doesn't help much.
Past few years have been harder, as I finally got my act together well enough to start a new school to become a nurse, depression stayed mostly in the background but instead I started getting growing anxiety issues. Last couple years I've used cannabis to get the anxiety down, only problem is that it's still illegal here which also keeps the prices relatively high (medical is theoretically legal, but in practice you need special permission per patient to prescribe it and the bureau responsible for those permits is doing everything it can to stall and limit the permissions. Practically only people with MS can get it relatively easy, and even then in only very specific form). And yes, I knew the risks with depression and cannabis beforehand.
The growing anxiety issues most likely came from two things: looking really forward first time in years with some expectations for my future, and the fact that the school brought back all bad the memories from my junior high (I think that's the closest match in english for it, it's grades 7 - 9 here) from being excluded and downright bullied both physically and mentally. In elementary it was a little easier, the exclusion didn't really happen yet even if I didn't really have many if any friends. New schools with classmates being adults, I thought it would be different, but being excluded happened very quickly again. Clearly it's something in me, but no-one has ever been able to point any specific reason. I never really learned how to make friends either - today I have few, but they've all come from me knowing someone they know and us just ending up in same places often enough. And we really only see each other on gigs and when drinking. I can't even remember when anyone asked me just to hang out or something, unless drinking was involved, and even then it's rare.
Age crisis is bad too. I'm closer to 40 than 35 and don't have anything to show for my life and I live alone in rented 1 room apartment. Little over year ago, after being alone again for too long, I started dating a girl I had know for years and even hooked up once before. I knew beforehand she had some psychological issues from the more dire end of them, but figured that with the knowledge of my own issues and professional knowledge on specializing on psychiatric nursing would mean it's nothing we couldn't handle together. We split up a month or so ago, but after I've realized it hadn't been a real relationship for the past half a year if not longer, so clearly that didn't go too well either.
It feels like everything has been crumbling down on me at once. It's never just one thing, everything seems to come in piles, there can be several months of nothing bad happening, but then it all rolls down on once. My teeth are shit, I don't have all of them, I don't have money to repair them and they're breaking at increasing speed. I haven't been able to do basic things like brushing my teeth regularily for years now and I'm addicted to coca-cola so that's a recipe for disaster.
