[social] question for those of you who went to college...

[Sage]

how did you learn to do things like get invited to parties / go to parties, go to bars or clubs and other such social behaviours? I'm getting bored sitting in my room every thursday, friday, saturday, sunday night all alone. I've tried googling these things but nothing seems to turn up. So, perhaps you people can shed some light on the whole system for me.

 

[Kanyamagufa]

Does the school have any Frat's, Sororities, etc?

Are there any bars or clubs around? Best thing to do is probably ask someone who knows the area.

Last resort? Dorm invasion.

 

[t0y]

Learn how to get invited to parties???

Have you tried making friends?

 

[Moloch]

You're a social butterfly aren't you?

 

[Sage]

Learn how to get invited to parties???

Have you tried making friends?

yeah i have friends... but I never hear about that sort of thing until after the fact... some people say its because i dont know the right people. i don't know, from my perspective denton, tx is a totally dead town and nothing ever happens here. someone i know told me that it's quite the opposite but I drive around occasionally and don't really see anything.

 

[Sage]

Does the school have any Frat's, Sororities, etc?

Are there any bars or clubs around? Best thing to do is probably ask someone who knows the area.

Last resort? Dorm invasion.

well yeah my school has sororities and neighboring UNT has both. there are bars and clubs and things but I don't know how the system works so I have never been able go to them. that's what I'm trying to figure out- what to do. there doesn't seem to be any guide to going to these sorts of things.

 

[Sage]

my edit function is gone, i don't know why. but anyhow...

what's a "dorm invasion" ?

 

[Kanyamagufa]

my edit function is gone, i don't know why. but anyhow...

what's a "dorm invasion" ?

I wasn't being very serious, but essentially I meant get into one of the dorms on a Saturday night. Now this might be completely off, but where I am there's always something going on either in the lounge/common area of the dorms, or if you know any students they can let you in on who's doing what on a certain floor. Also, basement parties seem to happen in the dorms a fair amount...

Just a thought, dunno what it's like on your side.

 

[Blazkowicz]

heres come a long post, quite personal stuff in it, don't keep reading if you get bored, I don't even know why I wrote all of this, intended to write concise advice for you Sage ; ), I guess it's hard to tell the stuff without explaining.


--------------------

I'm someone with social inabilities as well but that's been slowly changing. I'm 20 year old, three years of university behind me, technically doing nothing this year but I'll be back next year in uni (probably till what you call a PhD).

Most of my life was severe depression and social phobia due to some crap childhood (and having 140 or so IQ). (extreme sadness, no hope, "dark ideas", "It's my fault", "I'm inferior to the Others","I'm not worth anything" etc.)

Social phobia (quite a real one) went down a bit over years (became more social at first college year, better next one), depression (with its periods of being a bit depressed then severly depressed) doesn't go away.
That's stuff that takes YEARS to recover from. without help of a psy (never wanted and don't want to, and I "psy myself" enough). having a best friend, alcohol and pot helped much.

I don't know if social problem and depression are linked (for other people) but that's certainly my case and I tend to see them as the same thing for that.
At least, when you're asocial, the issue is on your end, not on the Others.


So, back to these two first college years.. first social resource is people you see everyday, in your classroom, you can hang out with them, get drunk on Thursday evening (or whatever the official day is in Texas ), lan parties (or mere parties) with alcohol and pot/haschich
Being social is first Being There, paying attention to people around you, speaking with them. (stupid obvious stuff, but not easy for everyone; it's easy to be alone in the middle of 50 people though.)
You do it right.. if you don't think about it and it's natural.


third college year is a bit special. thought it would be good, social problem not that much of a concern (doesn't mean I'm not often alone.), low depression (had decided before to get rid of the guilt feeling)
then there was a nasty familial and housing crisis context I won't detail, I even crashed such a car at the beginning of that long painful period http://www.autoweblog.de/50226711/images/Renault 4L.jpg (even if not really related, went into a truck at red light on a really foggy day, didn't see I was entering the village, front of car ENTIRELY wrecked but INTACT interior)
sorry I'm digressing, writing at more than 6PM.
So yeah, crappiest times ever, peak in depression, borked my college year (litteraly went from being the best student to the worst), illegal sub-rent of "Low Wage Habitation" (being with mother and brothers in 40m^2, furnitures stored somewhere else), lowering income for the family, crap crap crap.

Well, I'll omit the Worst, enough said already, what I wanted to say (and explain why a little bit) is that I lived more than 8 monthes without any internet connexion! down from DSL. (and now back on 56K, living in rural house). without even my PC (but with the family other's PC, crap duron 1300, with some anime, quake 3 and a great 3D Mahjong).

Having no PC is maybe one of the best thing that ever happened to me. I didn't do much socially wise and doesn't do much till today but that's related to dropping out of college. (still have some friends, though). No PC means no wasting time on online gaming (which is not social behaviour), wasting time reading and discuss on webforums (mostly PC related, and it's not social behaviour either, information exchange is more accurate. though it's possible to meet some guys IRL actually ^^) ; filling my head with so much information from the net (so much is interesting but in the end useless as don't make my life better, overheating the brain; and on a sidenote, mining information about Iraq and Bush and the traitors from PNAC helped adding fuel to depression too.)

Then, summer, student job at a cheese factory ( ), cut cheese for two monthes at minimum wage (~1000€ per month at 35h week). and after that, totally by chance (watching a boxing anime I never heard about on the crap PC, that blew away me ^^) :
I decided to use sports to cure depression (still, will be matter of monthes to recover)
I used some of the cash to go to a gym (didn't really do sports before)
Been doing weight training and cardio training for 4 monthes now, holy fuck what a change, huge physical and mental/psychological benefits, and being not physically weak anymore is great. I now consider getting into boxing. (after years telling myself I was as skinny as a nail and weak as a 12 year old. There's the side benefit of improvement of the image of myself, one of my major problems, which hurts ability to have relationship with people; though as I said earlier I had been "psy-ing" myself previously to remove most Guilt feeling)
I feel I'm on the verge of.. getting a life


Er, I wanted to advise you : do some serious sports, and keep away from the PC in your free time. PC with broadband is EVIL, soul sucking, asocilazing ! time taken from PC usage goes into life. (well, wanted to say, no more than one or two hours of your free time a day ^^)
You didn't tell much about yourself but what I read made me think you were, well, a computer geek? (a nerd wouldn't google about how to get invited to a party, he wouldn't care : D )

 

[_xxx_]

how did you learn to do things like get invited to parties / go to parties, go to bars or clubs and other such social behaviours?

Ask?

Make yourself more attractive. Be cocky & funny with girls and cool with guys so they start liking your company.

And the most important thing: don't act needy or like a wuss.

 

[Sage]

I wasn't being very serious, but essentially I meant get into one of the dorms on a Saturday night. Now this might be completely off, but where I am there's always something going on either in the lounge/common area of the dorms, or if you know any students they can let you in on who's doing what on a certain floor. Also, basement parties seem to happen in the dorms a fair amount...

Just a thought, dunno what it's like on your side.

actually, I live in the dorms. However, they are really tall towers with only about 12 rooms per floor and not much social interaction goes on here. I don't even know, out of like 20 people who live on my floor, who they all are. The basement is just a laundry room.

Ask?

Make yourself more attractive. Be cocky & funny with girls and cool with guys so they start liking your company.

And the most important thing: don't act needy or like a wuss.

actually, I'm a big hit here. Apparently I'm very physically attractive, I'm cocky (sometimes too much so that it gets downright arrogant) funny, and all of the guys love me although I really only know personally like 4 or 5 other straight guys here and only 2 of them to I talk to on a semi-regular basis. The gay guys... well, my roomate is in love with me and that can be a problem sometimes... and the most popular person on campus is really close friends with me.

it's just the whole club / party thing that I have troubble with. I've never been to anything like that and so I have no clue about the entire thing. That means I avoid going when I do have the opportunity. Sometimes I'm told "you just go, relax, have fun" but my analogy is "that's like me telling you to try performing a heart transplant- you just cut the old one out and sew the new one in."

 

[Sage]

Blazkowicz,

thanks for sharing. I've been in much the same boat- IQ upper 140's, wasn't allowed to be social when I lived with my parents, depressed a lot, lots of low self-esteem and constantly feeling like I'm not good enough and inferior.

I discovered the same thing about PC's- online gaming really wastes your life away, as does constantly being on forums. I got a Mac so no more online gaming for me and I just kinda stopped going to forums like this, the only places I usually go now are myspace and facebook (both of which are pretty-much required of any college student, even the most computer-illiterate expect you to be on at least one of those two). Last semester I actually spent a lot of time hanging out with friends and being social but, I never got to go "out." I really have no troubble whatsoever talking to hot girls that I don't know- they usually already know who I am or they start something with me instead so that's not the issue. Oh, and I don't really drink or smoke pot so doing those to relieve the boredom/depression isn't really an option.

 

[Sage]

I decided to use sports to cure depression (still, will be matter of monthes to recover) I used some of the cash to go to a gym (didn't really do sports before)
Been doing weight training and cardio training for 4 monthes now, holy fuck what a change, huge physical and mental/psychological benefits, and being not physically weak anymore is great. I now consider getting into boxing. (after years telling myself I was as skinny as a nail and weak as a 12 year old.

oh yeah, I meant to tell you- try kickboxing if you're thinking about going into boxing. I'm taking it this semester and it's really awesome as it also works your legs a lot more. It's loads of fun.

and I also wanted to mention that I am an INTJ personality type...

Profile: INTJ
Revision: 3.0
Date of Revision: 27 Feb 2005

To outsiders, INTJs may appear to project an aura of "definiteness", of self-confidence. This self-confidence, sometimes mistaken for simple arrogance by the less decisive, is actually of a very specific rather than a general nature; its source lies in the specialized knowledge systems that most INTJs start building at an early age. When it comes to their own areas of expertise -- and INTJs can have several -- they will be able to tell you almost immediately whether or not they can help you, and if so, how. INTJs know what they know, and perhaps still more importantly, they know what they don't know.

INTJs are perfectionists, with a seemingly endless capacity for improving upon anything that takes their interest. What prevents them from becoming chronically bogged down in this pursuit of perfection is the pragmatism so characteristic of the type: INTJs apply (often ruthlessly) the criterion "Does it work?" to everything from their own research efforts to the prevailing social norms. This in turn produces an unusual independence of mind, freeing the INTJ from the constraints of authority, convention, or sentiment for its own sake.

INTJs are known as the "Systems Builders" of the types, perhaps in part because they possess the unusual trait combination of imagination and reliability. Whatever system an INTJ happens to be working on is for them the equivalent of a moral cause to an INFJ; both perfectionism and disregard for authority may come into play, as INTJs can be unsparing of both themselves and the others on the project. Anyone considered to be "slacking," including superiors, will lose their respect -- and will generally be made aware of this; INTJs have also been known to take it upon themselves to implement critical decisions without consulting their supervisors or co-workers. On the other hand, they do tend to be scrupulous and even-handed about recognizing the individual contributions that have gone into a project, and have a gift for seizing opportunities which others might not even notice.

In the broadest terms, what INTJs "do" tends to be what they "know". Typical INTJ career choices are in the sciences and engineering, but they can be found wherever a combination of intellect and incisiveness are required (e.g., law, some areas of academia). INTJs can rise to management positions when they are willing to invest time in marketing their abilities as well as enhancing them, and (whether for the sake of ambition or the desire for privacy) many also find it useful to learn to simulate some degree of surface conformism in order to mask their inherent unconventionality.

Personal relationships, particularly romantic ones, can be the INTJ's Achilles heel. While they are capable of caring deeply for others (usually a select few), and are willing to spend a great deal of time and effort on a relationship, the knowledge and self-confidence that make them so successful in other areas can suddenly abandon or mislead them in interpersonal situations.

This happens in part because many INTJs do not readily grasp the social rituals; for instance, they tend to have little patience and less understanding of such things as small talk and flirtation (which most types consider half the fun of a relationship). To complicate matters, INTJs are usually extremely private people, and can often be naturally impassive as well, which makes them easy to misread and misunderstand. Perhaps the most fundamental problem, however, is that INTJs really want people to make sense. This sometimes results in a peculiar naivete', paralleling that of many Fs -- only instead of expecting inexhaustible affection and empathy from a romantic relationship, the INTJ will expect inexhaustible reasonability and directness.

Probably the strongest INTJ assets in the interpersonal area are their intuitive abilities and their willingness to "work at" a relationship. Although as Ts they do not always have the kind of natural empathy that many Fs do, the Intuitive function can often act as a good substitute by synthesizing the probable meanings behind such things as tone of voice, turn of phrase, and facial expression. This ability can then be honed and directed by consistent, repeated efforts to understand and support those they care about, and those relationships which ultimately do become established with an INTJ tend to be characterized by their robustness, stability, and good communications.

 

[Kanyamagufa]

Heh, Sage...you and I seem to be remarkably similar

Now, I'm not having much trouble finding clubs/parties, but that's because I'm in New York.

I would just go around and start asking those who you do feel comfortable with what they are doing over the weekend. You may not find what you're looking for right away, but I'm sure that if you ask more than a couple friends, you're bound to hear about something.

I have to agree with the PC comments...I hate to admit it but having a new Mac in my room is not helping my own social life at all. Combine that with just getting hooked on KoTOR and you have a recipe for hermit geek.

 

[Sage]

Now, I'm not having much trouble finding clubs/parties, but that's because I'm in New York.

well, I know where the clubs physically are located, I just don't have a clue how the whole thing works so I am afraid to go. Imagine if you were to just walk into North Korea without speaking the language, knowing anything about the culture, laws customs, or expectations, etc and being treated just like every other North Korean citizen. Wouldn't that be terrifying? Of course, if you're Korean or even Asian or just spent time in Asia then you would probably have at least somewhat of an easier time figuring things out but for us white folk born and bred in the USA the entire social dynamic is completely foreign and unintuitive and add to that the differences in government and how that even further alters the dynamics of the system from the only thing we have ever experienced.

 

[Blazkowicz]

Blazkowicz,

thanks for sharing. I've been in much the same boat- IQ upper 140's, wasn't allowed to be social when I lived with my parents, depressed a lot, lots of low self-esteem and constantly feeling like I'm not good enough and inferior.

I discovered the same thing about PC's- online gaming really wastes your life away, as does constantly being on forums. I got a Mac so no more online gaming for me and I just kinda stopped going to forums like this, the only places I usually go now are myspace and facebook (both of which are pretty-much required of any college student, even the most computer-illiterate expect you to be on at least one of those two). Last semester I actually spent a lot of time hanging out with friends and being social but, I never got to go "out." I really have no troubble whatsoever talking to hot girls that I don't know- they usually already know who I am or they start something with me instead so that's not the issue. Oh, and I don't really drink or smoke pot so doing those to relieve the boredom/depression isn't really an option.

yea I couldn't sleep last night, was recovering from a virus infection (the kind that harms humans no computer), saw that really interesting topic, I thought you sounded like you were seeking a FAQ in ASCII text on how to get out..

real drug is tobacco, I'm tobaccoholic and that sucks. (still I love Lucky Strikes.. Lucky Strike Means Fine Tobacco!)
pot (or rather "shit" as we call the brown stuff that comes from Marocco) is for smoking with my best friend, or with three-four or so people, I wouldn't get the idea of smoking alone.
easy social activity.. you don't have to do much beside smoking (well, gets a bit hardcore when there are bongs made of bamboo but I can stand that, still "soft drug" ^^)

alcohol much less common. Actually, my experience and idea of what a party is : you're 10-20 people or so (may be a bit less, may be more) and you get drunk!
(you can buy as much alcohol as you want here even if you're 15 year old.. there's a minimum age for bars only)

actually I'm damn looking good too, but I'd rather be interested in such a roomate if he's cute

was in dorms first year, here you don't have a roomate, I was in a miserable 9m² room looking like a monk's cell. Uni looks more like Soviet Russia here than american teen movie. BTW, in US teen movies and Buffy the Vampire Slayer (yea lol, US students, the whole world watchs you), everyone is in the dorms, here you have to be poor enough to have a room.

the rest is same as for you, easy to know almost no one. (next year I took the bus, then I got my piece of crap little black car which I love). they were renovated very recently (really nice with fridge/kitchen/shitters/shower and a vertically sliding bed, there was none of that) and they got RJ45 and proxy'ed broadband two monthes ago . I wanna be there next year.
Renovated corridors and stairs too. really huge change from the Soviet prison.

I never heard of Myspace and Facebook or any similar service , we just don't have it.
though, my best friend is in the dorms, they have lan chat and "file transfer", should be cool.

 

[Sage]

yeah, facebook is, i think, usa only. you have to have an email at a uni to join with. then, you just set up your profile and add a picture. you can search for anyone who is in college anywhere using the global search, then there are lots of other things like searching by what HS they graduated from (so you can find people that graduated with you) or lots of detailed searches on people that go to your own school. then, you can add people as friends and everyone can see who your friends are and such and you can poke people or send them messages or write on their public "wall". it's really just a giant social networking took for people in college and it has really tuend into a phoenomenon- everyone just assumes that you are on facebook. it's really useful if you just met someone or you just know someone's first name you can search for them, identify them by their picture, and then send them a message or poke them or read their profile and find out that they already have a boyfriend / girlfriend or whatever else you want. it's freaking great, i cant imagine college without it.

not as many people are on myspace but anyone can join it. lots of bands are on it. you should check it out- www.myspace.com

 

[MuFu]

Having a high IQ makes you more socially inept?

 

[Sage]

Having a high IQ makes you more socially inept?

no but it can indirectly cause social problems since you are so different from the other people

 

[MuFu]

LMAO. That is absolute BS.