Misc Jokes Thread

[Deepak]

OK, instead of creating new threads, I'll keep posting them in this thread, you guys also contribute...please...:smile:

QUOTE (Original)
If you love someone, Set her free... If she comes back, she's yours, If she doesn't, she never was....


QUOTE(The new versions.....)

Pessimist:
^^^^^^^^^
If you love someone, Set her free ... If she ever comes back, she's yours, If she doesn't, as expected, she never was

Optimist:
^^^^^^^^
If you love someone, Set her free ... Don't worry, she will come back.

Suspicious:
^^^^^^^^^^
If you love someone, Set her free ... If she ever comes back, ask her why.

Impatient:
^^^^^^^^^
If you love someone, Set her free ... If she doesn't come back within some time forget her.

Patient:
^^^^^^^
If you love someone, Set her free ... If she doesn't come back, continue to wait until she comes back ...

Playful:
^^^^^^^
If you love someone, Set her free ... * If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again, repeat *

C++ Programmer:
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
if(you-love(m_she)) m_she.free() if(m_she == NULL) m_she= new CShe;

Animal-Rights Activist:
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
If you love someone, Set her free, In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free!!

Lawyers:
^^^^^^^
If you love someone, Set her free, Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the Second Amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that...

Bill Gates :
^^^^^^^^^^
If you love someone, Set her free, If she comes back, I think we can charge her for re-installation fees but tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.

Biologist :
^^^^^^^^^
If you love someone, Set her free, She'll evolve.

Statisticians : (Apte)
^^^^^^^^^^^^^
If you love someone, Set her free, If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high If she doesn't, your relation was improbable anyway.

Schwarzenegger's fans:
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
If you love someone, Set her free, SHE'LL BE BACK!

Over possessive person
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
If you love someone don't set her free.

HR specialist
^^^^^^^^^^^^^
If you love someone set her free by Offering her VRS and other benefits Then outsource her.

MBA
^^^
If you love someone set her free instantaneously and look for others simultaneously.

Psychologist
^^^^^^^^^^^^^
If you love someone set her free. If she comes back her super ego is dominant. If she doesn't come back her id is supreme. If she doesn't go, she must be crazy.

Somnabulist
^^^^^^^^^^^
If you love someone set her free If she comes back it's a nightmare If she doesn't, you must be dreaming.

ERP functional expert
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
If you love someone set her free If she comes back, map her into your system If she doesn't, carry out a gap-fit @n@1ysis.

Finance expert
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
If you love someone set her free If she comes back, its time to look for fresh loans If she doesn't, write her off as an @$$et gone bad.

Marketing Specialist
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
If you love someone set her free. If she comes back she has brand loyalty. If she doesn't, reposition the brand in new market

 

[Cartoon Corpse]

ex-christian:

"if you love someone, you'll leave them alone."

 

[Deepak]

Some random Quotes:

Dont Cry Because Its Over, Smile Because It happened.

You Laugh Because I'm Different, I Laugh Because Your All The Same.

Ÿôür Nàmé Héré

Save Water - Drink Beer!

I Ate My Homework Because It Was A Piece Of Cake! Yummy!

God Made Men First, Then He Had A Better Idea.

(Y)(O)(U)® (N)(A)(M)(E) (L)(I)(K)(E) (T)(H)(I)(S)

Some Mistakes Are Too Funny To Only Make Once.

How Long A Minute Is Depends On What Side Of The Bathroom Door Your On.

I'm an angel Honest The horns are just there to hold the halo up straight

CAUTION: I'm having a blonde moment. Please speak slowly and use small words

MENtal anxiety, MENtal breakdowns, MENstrual cramps, MENopause...did you ever notice how all women's problems begin with MEN?

You thought you broke my heart, you thought you made me cry, if you haven't figured out yet.... not every player is a guy!

One day your prince will come... mine just got lost and is to stubborn to ask for directions!

No boy is worth your tears and the one who is, wont make you cry!
Guys are like mascara... they run through every emotion!

Don't hate me cause im beautiful...hate me cause your boyfriend thinks I am!

If he dies, I wont cry, I'll just mary another guy!

I don't worry, I don't care, I'm gonna marry a millionaire!

GOOD ONE OF LAST 2 :

Me no money, me no care. Me go marry milionaire And if he dies, me no cry, me go marry other guy

I'm loved by some, Hated by many, Envied by most, Yet, Wanted by plenty!

If Barbie is soo popular...how come you have to buy her friends?

There are easier things in life than finding a good man...nailing Jell-O to a tree for instance!

I'm Blonde...what's your excuse?

I'm a bitch and I got class. Mess with me and I'll kick your ass. So for all you hoes that think you're cool, just remember bitches rule

Maybe I really loved you, ha ha aren't I cute when I lie?

You think your cute, you think your hot, you think you can get my man, I think not!

If you love me like you told me, Please be careful with my heart!

You can take it, just don't break it, or my world will fall apart.

I float like a butterfly, I sting like a bee, Your hands can't touch what they can't see!

Don't say you love me unless you really mean it, cause I might do something crazy like believe it!

Last night I hugged my pillow and dreamed of you...I wish that someday I'd dream about my pillow and I'd be hugging you!

Anyone can catch your eye but it takes someone special to catch your heart!

One person owns the key to my heart...too bad he won't unlock it!

If you want breakfast in bed...sleep in your kitchen!

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, but revenge is to!

Sometimes I dream of being taking off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me a nut?

Always be yourself and say what you feel, cause those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind!

Why do you park in a driveway, and drive on a parkway?

Never spit in a fan, it'll come back at you!

What happens if u get scared half to death twice?

Why grow the grass when soon enough you will mow the grass?

Guess who I saw today? everyone I looked at!

Do you believe in love at first site, or should I walk by you again?

Don't flatter yourself...I was looking at your friend!

To the world your just one person but to one person you could mean the world!

You were so cute when you were a baby...What happened?

In reality...the player isn't actually playing the other person...he's playing himself...

What a shame...looks like the ugly fairy kissed you on both cheeks!

I ran up the door, closed the stairs, said my pj's, and put on my prayers, turned off my bed, jumped into the lite, all because u kissed me goodnight

As I said before.....I never repeat myself!

Im not opionated...Im just always right!

Your village just called... they want their idiot back!

It takes two people to lie, one to lie and one to listen!

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift, that's why we call it the present!

I could die at any minute, the tragedy, is that I don?t!

There's more to living than only surviving, maybe I'm not there, but I'm still trying!

I could die at any minute, the tragedy, is that I don?t!

I never meant to hurt you, But your so cute when you cry!

If at first you don't succeed...destroy all evidence you tried!

If you're going my way, I'll walk with you!

Sometimes, I wish I was a little kid again...skinned knees are easier to fix than broken hearts!

If you love someone put their name in a circle not a heart, a heart can be broken but a circle goes on forever!

Girls are like phones, we like to be held and talked to, but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!

Friendship is just a word but my girl gives it a meaning

Don't play stupid with me... I'm better at it

Who ever said everything is possible never tried slamming a revolving door!

Can I have a picture of you so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?

A person who asks a question is a fool for five minutes, a person who doesn't is a fool forever...

A memory lasts forever never does it die true friends stay together and never say goodbye

 

[Deepak]

http://docs.info.apple.com/article.html?artnum=86816

 

[Deepak]

28 ways to annoy people, in the computer lab

***

. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.

. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.

. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it's set up with.

. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.

. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.

. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.

. Type on the computer for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.

. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot."

. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.

. "DISK FIGHT!!!"

. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.

. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.

. Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.

. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.

. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you. Grind some more. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.

. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.

. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.

. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.

. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.

. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking it.

. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.

. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.

. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does *your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave.

. Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.

. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.

. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hangup before they get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger.

. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.

. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly sit down and begin to type.

 

[digitalwanderer]

OK, instead of creating new threads, I'll keep posting them in this thread, you guys also contribute...please...:smile:

QUOTE (Original)
If you love someone, Set her free... If she comes back, she's yours, If she doesn't, she never was....

You forgot the late and very great Dr. Hunter S. Thompson's famous twist on that one:

"If you love something, set it free.....if it doesn't come back to you, hunt it down and kill it."

I learned a lot from Dr. HST.

 

[Deepak]

You forgot the late and very great Dr. Hunter S. Thompson's famous twist on that one:

"If you love something, set it free.....if it doesn't come back to you, hunt it down and kill it."

I learned a lot from Dr. HST.

 

[Deepak]

Never rob a sexy girl.....

http://www.onzin.com/?p=view&t=flash&id=279

Never honk in front of an old lady...

http://www.bofunk.com/video/2269/old_person_hits_car.html

Time Machine....

http://www.trademe.co.nz/Electronics-photography/Other/auction-36725938.htm