My fellow Americans:
As you all know, the defeat of Iraq's regime has been completed. The
discovery and destruction of all weapons of mass destruction have been
covered thoroughly in the press. A new Iraqi government has been
established and appears to be stable. Our mission in Iraq is complete.
This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American
forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now
time to begin the reckoning.
Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries
which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is
short. The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, and Poland are some of the
countries listed there. The other list contains everyone not on the
first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list. My press
secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.
Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those
nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved
during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the
Iraqi war. The American people are no longer going to pour money into
third world hellholes and watch those government leaders grow fat on
corruption. Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call
France.
In the out years, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this
money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home. I
am ordering the immediate withdrawal of all US forces from Kuwait, Saudi
Arabia, and all other Middle Eastern nations. Leave us alone. Solve your
own damn problems. Need help? Call Germany.
On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we
will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your relatives from the
face of the earth. Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try
France, or maybe China.
Regarding the nation of Israel, I have this to say. It seems like
everybody has forgotten what happened to European Jewry during the 1930s
and World War II. Our nation will never permit the destruction of
Israel. No way, Jose. Never the less, to Israel and the Palestinian
Authority. Yo, boys. Yank yer heads outta rectal defilade and work out a
peace deal. Just note that Camp David is closed. Maybe all of you can go
to Russia for negotiations. They have some great palaces there. Big
tables, too.
I'm ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France,
Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring
from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis. I have instructed the Mayor of
New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in
Manhattan with more than two unpaid tickets to sites where those
vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't give a damn
about what ever treaty pertains to this. Pay your tickets tomorrow or
watch your precious Benzes, Beamers, and limos be turned over to some of
the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York.
A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are going
to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not
pissing us off for a change. Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and
his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I have
a couple extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where
I'm gonna put 'em? Yep, border security. So start doing something with
your oil. Oh, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty--starting
now.
It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens.
Some will accuse us of xenophobia. My response is simple and direct: if
you can play that word in Scrabble, do it as soon as your turn comes
round. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying darn
tootin.' Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life
around the
world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on
the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to
eliminate homelessness in America. It is time to eliminate World Cup
soccer from America.
We will develop energy independence. We will restructure our nation for
its isolationist destiny. I will be sending legislation to Congress
tomorrow proposing the first actions that that August body should take
as we move in a new direction. Finally, I have decided not to run for a
second term of office. The First Lady and I will retire to our Texas
ranch and have some fun. Laura and I have been talking about takin' one
of those cruises up to Alaska. Personally, I could care less who gets
elected in 2004. Throw a little fascism into the mix and elect Senator
Clinton. She can appoint the editorial board of the New York Times to
her Cabinet.
To the nations on List 2, a final thought. Drop dead.
To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks guys. We owe you.
God bless America... Thank you and good night.
As you all know, the defeat of Iraq's regime has been completed. The
discovery and destruction of all weapons of mass destruction have been
covered thoroughly in the press. A new Iraqi government has been
established and appears to be stable. Our mission in Iraq is complete.
This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American
forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now
time to begin the reckoning.
Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries
which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is
short. The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, and Poland are some of the
countries listed there. The other list contains everyone not on the
first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list. My press
secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.
Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those
nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved
during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the
Iraqi war. The American people are no longer going to pour money into
third world hellholes and watch those government leaders grow fat on
corruption. Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call
France.
In the out years, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this
money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home. I
am ordering the immediate withdrawal of all US forces from Kuwait, Saudi
Arabia, and all other Middle Eastern nations. Leave us alone. Solve your
own damn problems. Need help? Call Germany.
On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we
will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your relatives from the
face of the earth. Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try
France, or maybe China.
Regarding the nation of Israel, I have this to say. It seems like
everybody has forgotten what happened to European Jewry during the 1930s
and World War II. Our nation will never permit the destruction of
Israel. No way, Jose. Never the less, to Israel and the Palestinian
Authority. Yo, boys. Yank yer heads outta rectal defilade and work out a
peace deal. Just note that Camp David is closed. Maybe all of you can go
to Russia for negotiations. They have some great palaces there. Big
tables, too.
I'm ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France,
Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring
from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis. I have instructed the Mayor of
New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in
Manhattan with more than two unpaid tickets to sites where those
vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't give a damn
about what ever treaty pertains to this. Pay your tickets tomorrow or
watch your precious Benzes, Beamers, and limos be turned over to some of
the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York.
A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are going
to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not
pissing us off for a change. Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and
his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I have
a couple extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where
I'm gonna put 'em? Yep, border security. So start doing something with
your oil. Oh, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty--starting
now.
It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens.
Some will accuse us of xenophobia. My response is simple and direct: if
you can play that word in Scrabble, do it as soon as your turn comes
round. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying darn
tootin.' Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life
around the
world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on
the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to
eliminate homelessness in America. It is time to eliminate World Cup
soccer from America.
We will develop energy independence. We will restructure our nation for
its isolationist destiny. I will be sending legislation to Congress
tomorrow proposing the first actions that that August body should take
as we move in a new direction. Finally, I have decided not to run for a
second term of office. The First Lady and I will retire to our Texas
ranch and have some fun. Laura and I have been talking about takin' one
of those cruises up to Alaska. Personally, I could care less who gets
elected in 2004. Throw a little fascism into the mix and elect Senator
Clinton. She can appoint the editorial board of the New York Times to
her Cabinet.
To the nations on List 2, a final thought. Drop dead.
To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks guys. We owe you.
God bless America... Thank you and good night.
