"Open" marriages: can they work?

[Mize]

I think there can be open marriages that come about as a strictly utilitarian thing. Good friends take something too far and get married and have kids. When the uh-oh settles in it's too late to go back but neither wants to cut off that romantic/sexual part of their life by being in a platonic marriage. If the friendship is solid and the people reasonable the "marriage" can become a vehicle for parenting, benefits and the like but no longer contain any romantic aspect. I'd wager this happens a LOT but that, in most cases, the two just go on basically resenting each other and setting a horrible example for their kids.

Now at this point in an "open" marriage if "true love" comes along for Mom or Dad they can pursue it (discreetly and with the other's knowledge) and, if that "works" arrange for an amicable divorce.

So maybe "open marriages" don't work but maybe "open to change" marriages can?

 

[RussSchultz]

It sounds like you're trying to justify something.

*cough cough*

 

[John Reynolds]

It sounds like you're trying to justify something.

*cough cough*

I was waiting for this to come along, though I must confess some initial curiosity on my part as to what provided the motivation to start this thread.

 

[Mize]

Thanks for the restraint guys.

No justifying going on, just researching an idea someone I know very well might have had and brought up to me.

 

[John Reynolds]

Hey, I wasn't suggesting anything other than some mild curiosity on my part. I did show restraint.

A co-worker-turned-friend several years ago tried telling me how emotionally/sexually immature my wife and I are for having a closed relationship. Personally I think it takes more emotional/mental maturity to faithfully stay monogamous.

 

[RussSchultz]

I only stated what everybody was thinking.

I know it would take something I don't have to successfully engage in a long term openly non-monogomous relationship. I'm not sure if thats because I'm more mature, or less mature in my thinking.

 

[Mize]

I'm wasn't offended John and I would never do anything other than admire a couple that finds and nourishes a strong bond. I hope you didn't take anything I wrote that way. My "restraint" comment was meant only as deadpan humor.

"This couple I know" was talking and, after reading books and talking to professionals about how stagnant couples should "rekindle" that which brought them together, realized there was never anything kindling in the first place. Sometimes friends do go too far. So "this couple" is exploring what that means to them and their family. Interestingly they get along much better in the weeks since removing the pressure of being "trapped" with a non-kindle-type spouse and haven't quarreled in front of the kids since. I'm just curious if it's an illusion or a real breakthrough and what it all means.

In it's own way that too requires maturity. "This couple's" issues have never been about monogomy, but that whole kindle thing.

 

[nelg]

Personally I think it takes more emotional/mental maturity to faithfully stay monogamous.

Absolutely. The notion that romance and passion survives without any effort is naive. If we do not put in the work every relationship will loose its steam. Furthermore is it really fair to compare the infatuation (for biological reasons) that occurs at the begging of a relationship to the reality that settles in afterwards?

 

[pahncrd]

The only thing that I think would be okay is bringing another woman into the relationship. This may sound sexist, but from my experience men are too keen on possesing and conquering. As far as I am concerned, if there is another woman involved, my wife still belongs to me, because she has not been "taken".

There is just so much less animosity this way.

Forgot to mention that your 'other' might have to be bi for this to work.

 

[silence]

dunno, i think it could work, but jealousy part is one that concerns me.
at which point does one partner become jealous of other having sex outside "open marriage".....

lets say you have a girl/wife and you both agre on "open marrige"....now, you go around and screw 15 girls, while she cant get single guy.....
IMO; thats calling for trouble.

thats why i think swinger relations could work better, cause both partners are helpping each other in their sex life.....



oh.....just as disclaimer -> in from Balakns, we are pretty backwards around here, and i dunno if i could go for long term relationship based on "open marrige"....swingging might be different, that could work, but as i said i think in "open marriage" number of partners _other_ side has could be breaking point of that marriage.


just my 0.02

 

[_xxx_]

I know many, many relationships that broke as soon as they started this - there's always too much jealousy at some point and mostly that means the end.

I would wager that in most cases, the "idea of starting an open relationship" comes about because of an inability to face or admit some other real issue in the marriage / relationship.

Then, the jeaolsy is just the straw that breaks the camel's back.

That's about what I meant, yes. If I love a woman, I'll never feel the need to try another one.

 

[_xxx_]

dunno, i think it could work, but jealousy part is one that concerns me.
at which point does one partner become jealous of other having sex outside "open marriage".....

I wasn't talking about that kind of jealousy, rather the situation where one of the partners is more succesfull in "conquering" than the other. Then the less successful one gets frustrated.

 

[Trawler]

All I can say is that my friend is one of the nicer people I know, and she was brought up by parents in an open relationship. Doesn't bother her, but she wouldn't do it herself.