The buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING. However,people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing." Well, here it is:
You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed,"
That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed,"
That's Advertising.
You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed,"
That's Telemarketing.
You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, I hear you're fantastic in bed,"
That's Brand Recognition.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.
That's a Sales Rep.
Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.
That's Tech Support.
You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" .....
That's Junk Mail.
You are at a party, this well-built man walks up to you and gropes your breast and grabs your ass ...
That's Arnold Schwarzenegger!
YOU LIKE IT, BUT 20 YEARS LATER YOUR ATTORNEY DECIDES YOU WERE OFFENDED.
THAT'S CALIFORNIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DEMOCRAT
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel
guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings
for you.
REPUBLICAN
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?
SOCIALIST
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives
it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell
him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows. The government seizes both and
provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to
get it. It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. You sell
one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. The government taxes you to the
point you have to sell both to support a man in a
foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift
from your government.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. The
government takes them both, shoots one, milks the
other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk
down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to
yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the
two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are
surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an
announcement to the analysts stating you have down
sized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want
three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is
good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one
tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty
times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably
crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at
cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all
blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality
milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately
they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You
break for lunch. Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them
and learn you have five cows. You have some more
vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42
cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many
cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any
creature's private parts. Then you kill them and claim
a US bomb blew them up while they were in the
hospital.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send
radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and
killed attempting to milk them.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes
for the best looking one. Some of the people who like
the brown one best, vote for the black one. Some
people vote for both. Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you
which is the best looking cow.
CALIFORNIAN
You have a cow and a bull. The bull is depressed. It
has spent its life living a lie. It goes away for two
weeks. It comes back after a taxpayer-paid sex-change
operation. You now have two cows. One makes milk; the
other doesn't. You try to sell the transgender cow.
Its lawyer sues you for discrimination. You lose in
court. You sell the milk-generating cow to pay the
damages. You now have one rich, transgender,
non-milk-producing cow. You change your business to
beef. PETA pickets your farm. Jesse Jackson makes a
speech in your driveway. Cruz Bustamante calls for
higher farm taxes to help "working cows". Hillary
Clinton calls for the nationalization of 1/7 of your
farm "for the children". Gray Davis signs a law giving
your farm to Mexico. The L.A. Times quotes five
anonymous cows claiming you groped their teats. You
declare bankruptcy and shut down all operations. The
cow starves to death. The NY Times' analysis shows
your business failure is Bush's fault
You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed,"
That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed,"
That's Advertising.
You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed,"
That's Telemarketing.
You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, I hear you're fantastic in bed,"
That's Brand Recognition.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.
That's a Sales Rep.
Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.
That's Tech Support.
You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" .....
That's Junk Mail.
You are at a party, this well-built man walks up to you and gropes your breast and grabs your ass ...
That's Arnold Schwarzenegger!
YOU LIKE IT, BUT 20 YEARS LATER YOUR ATTORNEY DECIDES YOU WERE OFFENDED.
THAT'S CALIFORNIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DEMOCRAT
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel
guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings
for you.
REPUBLICAN
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?
SOCIALIST
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives
it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell
him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows. The government seizes both and
provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to
get it. It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. You sell
one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. The government taxes you to the
point you have to sell both to support a man in a
foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift
from your government.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. The
government takes them both, shoots one, milks the
other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk
down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to
yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the
two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are
surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an
announcement to the analysts stating you have down
sized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want
three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is
good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one
tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty
times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably
crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at
cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all
blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality
milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately
they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You
break for lunch. Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them
and learn you have five cows. You have some more
vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42
cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many
cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any
creature's private parts. Then you kill them and claim
a US bomb blew them up while they were in the
hospital.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send
radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and
killed attempting to milk them.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes
for the best looking one. Some of the people who like
the brown one best, vote for the black one. Some
people vote for both. Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you
which is the best looking cow.
CALIFORNIAN
You have a cow and a bull. The bull is depressed. It
has spent its life living a lie. It goes away for two
weeks. It comes back after a taxpayer-paid sex-change
operation. You now have two cows. One makes milk; the
other doesn't. You try to sell the transgender cow.
Its lawyer sues you for discrimination. You lose in
court. You sell the milk-generating cow to pay the
damages. You now have one rich, transgender,
non-milk-producing cow. You change your business to
beef. PETA pickets your farm. Jesse Jackson makes a
speech in your driveway. Cruz Bustamante calls for
higher farm taxes to help "working cows". Hillary
Clinton calls for the nationalization of 1/7 of your
farm "for the children". Gray Davis signs a law giving
your farm to Mexico. The L.A. Times quotes five
anonymous cows claiming you groped their teats. You
declare bankruptcy and shut down all operations. The
cow starves to death. The NY Times' analysis shows
your business failure is Bush's fault
