My essay on Asia, europe, US & international community. Feedback wanted

[tongue_of_colicab]

Hi,

I decided to send a essay to a competition as part of my study. It has to be about the role of asia, europe and the US in the international community. 1 page long.

This is the first time i've ever written a essay and to be honest I wasnt even a 100% sure actually what a essay was before I decided that it might be a smart thing to check that out before starting writing as they never thought me anything about this in school.

I found it was pretty hard to do. Not only because I had so little space but also because its just a hard subject I think. Especially since here in Holland there is very little news on Asia so im not sure if my opinion is in check with reality. Maybe im not even sure about my own opinion. Could probably fill 3 pages with my opinion alone lol.

Anyway, here it is. I like all comment (but good ones a bit more ). Comments on language are very much appriciated too.

Asia, Europe and the United states & the international community
There is no getting around the power the United States have. For years and years they led the international community on important issues and took part in everything remotely important to the international community. But their image is not what it used to be and their economy is in crisis. How about Asia, countries like China and Japan? Or Europe and the European Union trying to make Europe more and more into one single country?
For better or worse, there is no denying the large role the US plays in the international community. They still hold a lot of political power around the world and use that power to try and push the world in a direction that benefits them. They want to play their role as ‘’world police’’. But their position isn’t as strong anymore. With their war expenses and the economic turn down they depend on Europe and Asia to fund their country. And what about ‘’Americanization’’? American culture is all over the world.
Asia plays its role. But it’s a different role than that of the US. They seem to be a lot more involved with the international politics regarding economy than with governing the world. China gained power fast. Internationally they already play a big role in certain political issues, like the north Korean nuclear program, and along with Russia they are already capable to dictate some of those issues. Economically they are also important and will only become more important over time. That said, China needs the US and Europe as much as the US and Europe needs China. China invested a lot of money in the US economy, without the US public buying Chinese products China does not have a economy as large as it currently has. Most of their current wealth is based on the US and Europe coming to them for cheap mass production. If China ever wants to become a true super power, they need to become more like that other very important Asian country. Japan.
I feel Japan has little influence over non economical issues in the international community but they have a lot of economical power. Japan has the same problem, so to say, as China. Their economy is based on the rest of the world buying their products. But unlike China, Japan has a lot of technical knowledge which plays to Japans strength. If you see how much Japanese cars there are on the roads and how much of the electronics in your home are from Japanese companies there is no denying there importance to the international community. Though in a very different way than the US.
Of course there are more. Like the oil producing countries and India and Russia. Certainly Russia always had its place in international politics being the opposite of the US and it will only grow if their economy keeps growing like it did in recent years. Discussing them all would not be possible in such a short paper.
Finally there is Europe. Europe does not know what it wants. Do they want to be a large power in the international community, do they want a large economical role in the community, do they want both? The EU is a large unwieldy device not suitable for its task and preventing the EU turning into a real international force on every field. Which is a shame considering that the EU could fit the gap between the US and Asia. Willing to lead, but not by forcing culture and seemingly being more interested in economical profit than being considered the leader.
Despite everything I think the US plays a important role in the international community and does a good job at it. I really do think so. That said I don’t like how the US force their opinions on others, how the mcdonalds culture pushes away traditional culture and how the US plays Boss with too little consideration for others. I wish there were others to take the place of the US. But I don’t think there are. Given human rights and freedom of speech in countries like China I don’t think they would set a good example and there is hardly anything democratic about the current EU. No, maybe I’m fine, and maybe the world is Fine with the way things are. Take care of yourself, no need to get your hands dirty. The US are there and willing to do it for you.




Thanks

edit: wow the forum really makes 1 page of text look small.

 

[Tahir2]

Good attempt however:

1. You make sweeping statements without backing up with evidence to support your opinions.
2. Generally in essays you want to align your views with a specialist in the field or to counterargue with another specialist.
3. You need to present a counter argument e.g. US is not important anymore in world politics as stated by so and so.. due to reason so and so.
4. Is this essay going to be english? I ask because there are a few errors in the essay.

All in all good, however you may want to mention at the start that you will try and concentrate on the economic influence of the continents mentioned in this short essay.

.... I have to warn you I got a "D" for International Politics and Nazi Germant A' Level though so may not be an expert on the subject.

 

[tongue_of_colicab]

Good attempt however:

1. You make sweeping statements without backing up with evidence to support your opinions.
2. Generally in essays you want to align your views with a specialist in the field or to counterargue with another specialist.
3. You need to present a counter argument e.g. US is not important anymore in world politics as stated by so and so.. due to reason so and so.
4. Is this essay going to be english? I ask because there are a few errors in the essay.

All in all good, however you may want to mention at the start that you will try and concentrate on the economic influence of the continents mentioned in this short essay.

.... I have to warn you I got a "D" for International Politics and Nazi Germant A' Level though so may not be an expert on the subject.

Thanks.

I agree with your points. But I dont know how to incorporate them. I dont really have any space left for evidence and I coulnt find good information on this subject from experts. Also there is so much to tell. It turned into a political/ecomical piece by itself. Probably because I hear most about that but maybe something like Human rights would be more interresting. Though im not sure if that is allowed as they particalairy asked for the roles of those countries in the international community. Well, human rights would be part of that but for some reason I felt that maybe they aimed at politics more. Well too late to change that as I have to mail it tomorrow.

And yes it has to be in english. Could you tell me what is wrong? I'll have english class tomorrow so I'll ask if my teacher can also have a look but I rather make a good impression by handing in something with as little as possibble errors

 

[Tahir2]

Asia, Europe and the United states & the international community
There is no getting around the power the United States have. For years and years they led the international community on important issues and took part in everything remotely important to the international community. But their [the image of the US] image is not what it used to be and their economy is in crisis. How about Asia, countries like China and Japan? Or Europe and the European Union trying to make Europe more and more into one single country? [We should also consider the impact of the major economic powers in Asia, like China and Japan, as well as the European Unioin]
For better or worse, there is no denying the large role the US plays in the international community[back it up with some evidence - go to guardian.co.uk or timesonline.co.uk and find some political articles]. They still hold a lot of political power around the world and use that power to try and push the world in a direction that benefits them. They want to play their role as ‘’world police’’ [change in administration is that still the case?]. [However] But their position isn’t as strong anymore. With their war expenses [mention some recent wars... are you talking about Vietnam/Panama/Afghanistan/Iraq etc etc] and the economic turn down [downturn] they depend on Europe and Asia to fund their country [blanket statement and what do you mean by "fund"?]. And what about ‘’Americanization’’? American culture is all over the world [Explain what this means].


OK that is as far as I got without rewriting everything you have written.

Feel free to disagree with what I have said - just giving you a nudge in a certain direction but by no means am I an expert!

 

[tongue_of_colicab]

Thanks. I made a bunch of changes. Also tried to make my opinion show more. This is actually without the conclusion as I have to go to school but it will basically be along the lines of all 3 seem to have different roles and nobody seems to be too interrested in doing what the US does, or atleast not in the way they do.

Asia, Europe and the United states & the international community
There is no getting around the power the United States have. For years and years they led the international community on important political and economical issues and took part in everything remotely important to the international community. But the image of the US is not what it used to be and their economy is in crisis. We should also consider the impact of the major powers in Asia, Like China and Japan, as well as the European Union.
For better or worse, there is no denying the large role the US plays in the international community. The US still holds a lot of political power around the world and American culture keeps expanding with the introduction of American brands, chains and way of life all around the world. So the US plays a large role not only politically and economically but also socially. But maybe its power is in decline with the economical downturn, a near bankruptcy and image problem fighting 2 wars based (Iraq, Afghanistan) on lies and until recently a administration that showed very little consideration for other countries’ interests and opinions.
There is one Asian country that stands out recently. China. China gained a lot of political and economical power in a very short time. Already being capable of sometimes preventing actions from Europe and the US like in the North Korean nuclear program. But China still needs the US and EU more than they need them as most of their international power is based on their economic growth which is dependent on the US and EU. Even so, China definitely seems to want to ensure a bigger role for itself with its defense budget getting larger every year and allegedly fighting electronic wars against governments around the world China does not seem to want to be on the sideline. And China shouldn’t be, such a large country needs to have its place in the international community. But not just yet. With a large spread of wealth and a somewhat sketchy political regime to say the least inside China, China is not ready for a big role in the international community just yet. But Asia does not stop with China. There is no getting around Japan with one of the largest economy’s in the world and its very high standard of technological knowledge. Despite that I don’t feel Japan has a large influence, or wants a large influence, in the international community other than its economical strength. Politically they seem to rely on the US a lot and socially Japan doesn’t do much either in terms of providing aid to countries and international law. Though they do step into the spotlight with things like the Kyoto treaty. And of course there are the oil and gas producing countries in Asia. Russia is getting stronger again after making all gas and oil company’s state owned. Recently we’ve got a glimpse of what could happen if Russia suddenly decides not to deliver gas to Europe anymore with Russia not delivering gas to the Ukraine for a while. So they certainly play their political role. Especially as they are friendly with China and have a lot of power in some cases because of that. But Russia also seems to have little interest in being involved on the social part of the international community.
Then there is Europe. Or rather, the European Union. The EU is a bit of a nobody. There is still a big ‘’us and them’’ feeling within the EU so internationally it’s hard to make one political front often resulting in the EU agreeing with the US. Economically the EU is strong. Maybe not that strong in the international sense yet but unlike the large Asian countries that all have to depend on export, be in products or oil/gas, the EU has a strong internal market meaning that in a time like this where countries like Japan have large economical problems because of their focus on export. The EU does not have this problem in the same way making for more stability. Also the EU plays a very big social role in the international community spending a lot of money and resources on aids to other countries and being involved a lot with international (human)rights and the environment. I think the EU plays a very big role in this, maybe even the biggest.

 

[_xxx_]

Does your opinion on the EU come from some pro-EU advertizing booklet? It's so full of wrong info, it hurts. Surely most of the EU countries depend on exports more than the US, just one example. Maybe you got that wrong because Netherlands doesn't depend on exports that much?

 

[tongue_of_colicab]

No I didnt. I dont even like the EU and I thought I tried to make it look like that. As far as my info goes, its from my economics teacher. He said that its suprising jow much of trade is conducted within the EU itself between countries. I dont think I ever made the comparison with the US btw. I did with Asia but in that case its right.

Anyway below is my finished version. I'll go and look for a post office (I never actually send a letter since I moved here, dont have a clue where to get stamps or anything).

Asia, Europe and the United states & the international community
There is no getting around the power the United States have. For years and years they led the international community on important political and economical issues and took part in everything remotely important to the international community. But the image of the US is not what it used to be and their economy is in crisis. We should also consider the impact of the major powers in Asia, Like China and Japan, as well as the European Union.
For better or worse, there is no denying the large role the US plays in the international community. The US still holds a lot of political power around the world and American culture keeps expanding with the introduction of American brands, chains and way of life all around the world. So the US plays a large role not only politically and economically but also socially. But maybe its power is in decline with the economical downturn, a near bankruptcy and image problem fighting 2 wars based (Iraq, Afghanistan) on lies and until recently a administration that showed very little consideration for other countries’ interests and opinions.
There is one Asian country that stands out recently. China. China gained a lot of political and economical power in a very short time. Already being capable of sometimes preventing actions from Europe and the US like in the North Korean nuclear program. But China still needs the US and EU more than they need them as most of their international power is based on their economic growth which is dependent on the US and EU. Even so, China definitely seems to want to ensure a bigger role for itself with its defense budget getting larger every year and allegedly fighting electronic wars against governments around the world China does not seem to want to be on the sideline. And China shouldn’t be, such a large country needs to have its place in the international community. But not just yet. With a large spread of wealth and a somewhat sketchy political regime to say the least China is not ready for a big role in the international community just yet. But Asia does not stop with China. There is no getting around Japan with one of the largest economies in the world and its very high standard of technological knowledge. Despite that I don’t feel Japan has a large influence, or wants a large influence, in the international community other than its economical strength. Politically they seem to rely on the US a lot and socially Japan doesn’t do much either in terms of providing aid to countries and international law. Though they do step into the spotlight with things like the Kyoto treaty. And of course there are the oil and gas producing countries in Asia. Russia is getting stronger again after making all gas and oil company’s state owned. Recently we’ve got a glimpse of what could happen if Russia suddenly decides not to deliver gas to Europe anymore with Russia not delivering gas to the Ukraine for a while. So they certainly play their political role. Especially as they are friendly with China and have a lot of power in some cases because of that. But Russia also seems to have little interest in being involved on the social part of the international community.
Then there is Europe. Or rather, the European Union. The EU is a bit of a nobody to put it very bluntly. There is still a big ‘’us and them’’ feeling within the EU so internationally it’s hard to make one political front often resulting in the EU agreeing with the US. Economically the EU is strong. Maybe not that strong in the international sense yet but unlike the large Asian countries that all have to depend on export, be it in products or oil/gas, the EU has a stronger internal market meaning that in a time like this where countries like Japan have large economical problems because of their focus on export The EU is not influenced by this as much as Asia though of course export still is important. Also the EU plays a very big social role in the international community spending a lot of money and resources on aids to other countries and being involved a lot with international (human)rights, food and development and the environment. I think the EU plays a very big role in this, maybe even the biggest.
In all I think the 3 regions play different roles and probably also don’t want to play a other role to some extent. Asia for example seems to be mostly involved in international politics involving their own economy. There doesn’t seem to be a big urge to get too involved with international politics like the war on terror or international social plans regarding things like 3rd world countries. Unlike the US who I think feel themselves most comfortable with the role as ‘’world leader’’ regarding urgent international issues and world economics. And I think that besides everything that happened over the years, this is the role they should have and I don’t think that right now a other country could do better than the US does and now with the new administration maybe the US becomes a little more involved with other countries needs and decides to co-operate a bit more and push their own opinion a bit less. I certainly think that could make their importance even bigger and make their position last. Not being able to play the biggest political role nor being a very large economy outside of Europe itself the EU seems to be stuck with being the social care taker in the international community. Though being stuck makes it sound wrong I think. It’s a good role, a important one even though internationally it might not always seem that important in the eyes of the public. But it is. The EU is friendly with almost anyone, something very important for business and politics. Also because the EU is not pushing its own culture like the US does. If the EU ever sorts out their internal power struggle and really becomes one, they could start playing a very important role in the international community. Larger than the US.

 

[_xxx_]

Well I'd say your economics teacher is either very leftist or simply totally pro EU-biased. And seriously, EU will never become as important or as big as the US. Just not possible. We are way too dependant and lacking internal ressources.

 

[tongue_of_colicab]

Well he didnt write my economics books and that had the graphs in it. Maybe i'll be bother to look up the source. And I dont see why the EU couldnt become bigger. Everybody is dependant on everything these days, the US cant do what it does if suddenly they have to do everything internal so that isnt a argument.

 

[_xxx_]

I meant basic ressources like land, agriculture etc. Europe as it is today couldn't even produce enough food for basic survival on its own, let alone enough ores or fuel etc. for its needs. US could at least survive on its own, even it total isolation - Europe couldn't. And I'm not even talking about excess and comfort, just the absolutely necessary basics.

Let me tell you, EU will never become one. This forced farce of a union just destroys the best local economies by trying to "equalize" everything and produces mind-boggling abominations on the political side - stupid laws, flowed regulations, counter-productive protectionism, flawed centralized banking system copied from the US etc. Most common people within the economically stronger EU-countries are pissed off and don't want it, nor did they ever.

Not to make the wrong impression, I'm not anti-EU - I'm just against the abuse which our politicians made out of the initially great idea.

 

[Arwin]

I personally think the E.U. can become almost as much of the unity as the U.S. is/isn't. I'll have to stress almost though, as the language barriers are in the way. It will take some bigger events to make it happen at any speed though, otherwise it will just happen really slowly.

 

[tongue_of_colicab]

Sooo, aside from my opinion on the EU, I dont hear anybody about the essay itself, so I can assume its not that bad?

Its a real bummer, today I was told they changed the deadline to the 2nd of next month meaning that I could have brainstormed about a more interesting subject or made this one better. I suppose sending in 2 essays wont be appriciated. Though maybe they wont notice, I dont have a clue at all how many people send in stuff to things like this. Still I wish I had known it sooner.

 

[Cheezdoodles]

Edit: Ah i misread. I thought you had to write an essay as a completion of your study. Not as a competition. Was going to ask what kind of joke university you go to that requires a 1 page essay instead of a normal thesis paper.

 

[Arwin]

I'm sure you can send it in again if you mention that you only did so because the deadline was extended.

 

[Frank]

If it was my task, I would probably have split it into three parts: a management summary of at most one paragraph, a general summary that takes the rest of the first page, and I would have attached the story I would want to tell, in my own words.

And of course, I would have started by writing that story first. Just start somewhere and go along until you're satisfied.

 

[Arwin]

I think by the way that the newropeans party is an interesting topic ... you should read the introduction on their site, it's an excellent piece of writing in itself.

 

[Blazkowicz]

I meant basic ressources like land, agriculture etc. Europe as it is today couldn't even produce enough food for basic survival on its own, let alone enough ores or fuel etc. for its needs. US could at least survive on its own, even it total isolation - Europe couldn't. And I'm not even talking about excess and comfort, just the absolutely necessary basics.

Are you sure about that?
We have quite a lot of fertile land, just looking at some 3D or 2D earth software you can tell Europe is green unlike western US, western China, Middle East or most of Africa and Australia.

Of course, I'm from a country that's a major producer and net exporter of food and nuclear electricity .
also a country that match the US's arrogance. i.e. they dare pretend to be the best country in the world, land of freedom and mother of human right yada yada.. nay, WE are.

More seriously, I have trouble reading that essay, because my brain is tired but also because.I like. Computers paragraphs, where you hit return twice, rather than once, because it looks like a lot less like a big, long, long array or area of cramped text taking a lot of place in the page layout.
'Cos as you know, a few kilometers of long boring text looks like long boring text, even if it may be not. I would even hope you're not reading those few sentences as they are intentionnally boring, without a bit of interest and designed to make you waste your own time and feel like a huge blob of text, also it's a tad big for me as I'm reading it in 1024 resolution on a bigger than average crt monitor.
Not that I mean your essay is boring. Reading it again, there are quite a number of concept developed ; but I'm as tired as a bored teacher and I feel there's a big lack of structure in your essay only because of that.

Your text consists entirely of "and", "but", "also", "though", "unlike", "certainly","then", "on the other hand" etc.
You overplay on that. but I like using these constructs too and I know they please the teacher. She is pleased when you do stuff she expects from you.

well.. I've now read it was a kind of competition, I thought your English teach asked you to do it, I don't quite understand what's that competition about . I came a bit late too.
I feel bad as a university drop out too.

I went hardcore mathematics (some of the teachers were russian or east-european), 3rd year, was great and challenging but it required too much work.. so I went towards (formal, very formal) comp. science, so much easier but so much more boring.. I was pretty fucked up by then.

What are you studying, tongue of colicab?
some comp science and math stuff, or something else?
whatever, keep up the good work and don't ruin it

I'll do something radical and study history and economics instead. thanks to the priviledge of so cheap university access. I'll learn writing essays, learn to speak, organize information etc.