How happy are you?

It's the nature of life for sure but... (see below)

... well, I haven't officially been diagnosed for anything. It would just be speculation without a doc. I know I do experience extreme highs and extreme lows (mostly latter) and for the better part of a decade.

There were times when I felt like that, but it was always short-lived.

One step at a time... I have other things to work on first like trying to not get angry at people for little things, and I mean truly/mentally, not just controlling outbursts. People I know would be surprised if were expressing things left-right-and-center, and that would either be (1) a shit load of alcohol, or (2) a manic phase.

Friends tell me this sometimes, but I can't believe them since there's so much I've hidden from them.

 

Well, I'm somewhat unhappy with my life. There are a lot of good things, but more than enough bad things to offset those. What can I say? My social life in 2006 was the pits. My Principal was a royal a**hole, to the point that most of my friends and my parents agree with me. I was victimized at school by the staff, and was called nosy and inquisitive. The school management liked to remind me that I have no right to complain about anything that doesn't feel right to me.

This created hell of a lot of problems for me, at least in the end no one won, not them nor me. He (my Principal) kept telling me again and again that I have no rights till the day I become an adult, and I swore that the day I become an adult I'm going to go up to his office and give him the Duke Nukem boot. I'm still deciding whether I should do it or not....

Anyway, there was more. The girls liked to make a scapegoat out of me, the teachers wouldn't listen and my parents didn't care (well, to tell the truth, they're very busy people so I suppose they couldn't spare the time). The boys didn't either. Not a very happy memory for me, and 2006 was the year that converted me from a good character into a neutral and angry character.

But yeah there were great things too. I met many good people on the Internet, far better behaving people than I'd ever met in real life. I made some small personal achivements, upgraded my PC somewhat and got a lot of great PC games. So it wasn't that bad, though bad memories stick in my head quite vividly.

 

Prior to this Wednesday when it was made known to me that my job was ending I would have probably ranked my happiness much lower. And if the new position comes through that I've had discussed I think my happiness will get to move up to the next level.

Of course I don't think I could be happier with all the other aspects of my life, it's just unfortunate that because we spend so much time at work that when that isn't going well it feels like nothing is.

 

I'm fairly miserable these days.

After failing out of university, all I can think about is how I was fired from every formal job I've ever had, and failed every major project I've attempted. How my parents spent countless thousands on themselves (cottage, cars, ATVs, boats, etc...), but wouldn't pay for my tutoring or sports when I needed it. How they forced me to spend almost all my summers up north in great isolation, with the delusional belief that I would somehow be forced to like it, just because they like it. How their idea of parenting was just yelling louder and louder, whilst drinking more and more, until I caved in out of fear. How, in elementary school, I was utterly rejected by literally everyone, and bullied to the point of depersonalization, psychotic rage and attempted murder. How I remember my childhood only as a barren wasteland of pain and fear, and how my life since then has been wracked with failure and self-loathing. How I'm late for everything, and how disgraceful that is. How I expect to be punished and hurt so strongly, when I make a mistake, that I'm starting to find that I need feel pain just to feel normal. How my tolerances have become so poor, I get overwhelmed by the simple prospect of finding a job, organizing myself or even just programming something, and as a result, how I'm letting all my talents go to waste. How I'm starting to believe that I really am a bad, no good, worthless, failure of a person, and how it probably wouldn't make a difference if I was alive or dead. How the only comfort I find these days is with my teddy bears of years past, and how ridiculous and ashamed that makes me feel. How sometimes all I want is a hug, but knowing there is no one to give it, because no one would want to be around someone as disturbed as I, and rightfully so. After all, I complain about my life way too much, because I don't really know how to be happy, only how to really suffer.

These are the things that occupy my mind, when it isn't mindlessly distracted by the flashing lights and shiny things of the internet. Knowing such thoughts are largely insane, I keep myself very distracted. Still, I'm $15,000 in debt, so I can't keep going this way. I'm starting to think that dipping into my cache of opioid painkillers and amphetamine stimulants may be the only solution. At least, they'll keep me going until I reach a better place in life.

 

hey man, allow me to give you a virtual hug.

cheers.

 

DudeMiester,

It's probably hard to believe but many people feel like that at least some point in their lives. And not many are willing to either accept it let alone admit it. Of course a place like B3D and the interests here tend to attract similar people. So take a breath, look around, and relax, you're among similar company.

I'd tell you it'll get better eventually, but you'll discover that on your own someday.

 

Thank you, mito and Killer-Kris, for the kind words.

I keep going just in case things change tomorrow. Some days are better than others. It's a struggle, but then, if it wasn't hard, it wouldn't be worth it, right? Even if it's only a candle at the end of this dark tunnel, that's something, right? Happiness is found in the smallest and simplest of things anyways, so they say, which is a good thing, because about all I can handle these days are small things.

 

I wish I could give you a hug, but I feel I'm not the right person to do it, because half of what you said applies to me as well.

 

saw 'grizzley man' the other day (film) good watch, he was going nowhere caught in the wrath of drugs, so he gos + decides to 'protect the bears', though ultimately eaten by one but hey! he had 13 summers there, shagged a few girls along the way cause of his 'bearman' reputation.
a change man thats whats needed, me im in physical pain everyday, all day (not major, just an annoying nag) for 18years, it doesnt bother me (well sometimes it does) but fuck it youve gotta move forward or youll rust.

 

99% of my life is hard, tough and sadness. 1% is happiness.

 

Lately, I've come to an important realization. I suffer just as much if I do nothing than if I work my ass off, but in the latter case, I can produce some good also. So I've just decided to start loving and caring for myself, and to do the work that entails. I just forced myself to start thinking in those terms, and whaddaya know? Once you push aside the self-loathing, you really do care, and you realize you just forgot that fact for a while.

So like anyone that truly cares for themselves, I'm slowly re-introducing structure and goals into my life as I am able to handle it. I'm starting to actually crack down on my bad habits, and put better ones in their place. Most importantly, every step of the way, I remind myself that I'm doing it because I love myself, I'm a good person that I care for, and I'm worth it.

Moreover, after taking each step, I'm careful to ensure I reward and congratulate myself for a job well done, no matter how small or seemingly trivial that step may be. Finally, when I do inevitably make a mistake, I am quick to forgive myself and reassure myself that I'm still a good person, then I try to make the best of the error by learning from it. Thus far, I'm already much happier and somewhat more productive.

If I had to compare the process to something, I'd say it's kind of like becoming your own parent, and a parent that doesn't suck. I guess for me, having thought so little of my own parents, I either refused to parent myself or did so in the unhealthy manner that I had previously experienced. Either way, I lapsed into neurotic mental disarray. Again, in the id/ego/superego way of things, I guess it's like establishing a positive, productive and healthy relationship between the id and superego, guided by the ego. Likewise, before I thought it impossible for that relationship to be anything but war.

However, I have been proven wrong. It just requires a strong rational ability to clarify and correct one's ideals and self-imposed rules, so as to present them to your emotional self in a simplified and positive manner that it can understand and prepare to act on. Then, once internal consensus is gained, action comes naturally. In fact, in my mind I often picture a mediator of tremendous intelligence, yet formed as a teddy bear, so that it can appeal to all my sensibilities, be they adult or childish, serious or playful, big picture or in the moment, deductive or associative. It seems to work, so I can't complain.

 

Things are great for me.

Except when I visit this forum and see the rep system as it stands.

 

In my case, I just languish away doing nothing for fear of doing anything, eventually driving myself suicidal. It's usually at that point that I stop, go "WTF?!" and fix things just a bit, before repeating the cycle. It's been this way for nearly a decade, and I'm only 20.

This time though, I intend to break that cycle. I think I've already acquired more than enough skill at being horribly depressed. So far I've learned the fundamentals of how to be happy, such as how it's a choice to feel happy no matter how scary it may be, followed by a decision that you love about yourself enough to work for self-improvement. Still, I've far from mastered this skill. For example, I don't yet record and track strong emotional states, and neither have I clarified many of the core beliefs I instinctively operate by. However, achieving these things requires directed and consistent effort, which is something I have great difficulty with.

To this end, I'm learning the basics of desired productivity. That is, doing things because I want to do them, not because I'm, say, afraid of the consequences. This skill requires learning why I want to do something, then associating a positive and motivating feeling with that thing. The most common method of doing this is actually trying the thing, in expectation of reinforcing positive results, but it is certainly not the only method. Meditating on the desired association also works well to establish motivation, and for a case as far gone as mine, is often the only realistic option. Either way, I find it's best to develop both logical reasoning and positive association, however you choose to do it.

Part of this process is also learning to accept mistakes positively, followed by eroding previously established fears of imperfection. Again, I follow the dual method of logical reasoning and emotional association. When the fears erupt, I reassure myself, recall the reasons that it's OK, that mistakes don't make me a bad person, and comfort myself with something that brings back happy memories (usually one of my stuffed animals). Once I feel calm and positive again, I deal with the mistake as best I can and move on.

Oh, and yes, I know some of my points may sound childish and silly. However, while many of my emotional responses are highly evolved, there are plenty that are still very childish indeed. I'm not upset about this. I just deal with it for what it is, even if my inner child needs a lot of attention , because the alternative is extreme depression and emptiness.

The end goal is to maintain an inner happiness and optimism in the face of whatever external adversity and suffering comes my way. Furthermore, to always act in the fashion that logically yields the most probably profitable result. Then, by that knowledge, truly feel an inner joy, compassion and motivation to act, since I know I'm either caring for myself or another person. Again, when good things do happen, I let myself feel the force of that goodness, dwell on it, and create a strong memory of it. Finally, I have the fortitude to adopt new strategies and habits as I become aware of or invent them.

But now, I'm so tired that I'm not really sure what I'm writing , so I bid you adieu.

 

DudeMeister, get these books and read them. But it will only help if you seriously do all the excercises therein. These helped many people (me included) solve many issues:

http://www.amazon.com/Homecoming-Re...9961742?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1178268095&sr=8-1
http://www.amazon.com/Tired-Keep-Ru...9961742?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1178269884&sr=8-2

Give it a try.

 

Actually, the Homecoming book is in this house at this moment. However, it's location here is unknown. My uncle bought it, started it, then lost it, lol.