Wives

[Reverend]

Subject: FW: Wives (humour)


My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.
Henny Youngman

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My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

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A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. Milton Berle

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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. George Burns

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I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was Water in the
carburetor."
I asked her , "Where's the car?" She replied, "In the lake." Henny Youngman

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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Phyllis Diller

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The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
Henny Youngman

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After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

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When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

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I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt
her.

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My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got myself two girlfriends.

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A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it since the thief was spending much less than his wife did.

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Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, You wish you had ordered that.

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Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

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Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

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Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late.
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A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same : "You can have mine."

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A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. "A billionaire." she replied,


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The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.

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A man, upon his engagement, went to his father and said," Dad! I've
found a woman just like mother"
His father replied, "So what do you want? sympathy?"

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Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in
Europe.

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Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

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If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

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I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

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It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

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Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

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A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman - and then, BAM!, it was all gone!" "What happened?" asked his friend. "My wife found out..."

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Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

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I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both
husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house
Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.

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A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

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A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he wants, But his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets.
The man thinks for a moment and says, "Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me till I'm half dead."
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Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've
experienced pain and bought jewellery.

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How do most men define marriage?
An expensive way to get your laundry done free.

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The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

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Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your
parachute !!

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First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive.



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"I have learned that if you upset your wife she nags you..... If you upset her even more you get the silent treatmeant. Don't you think it's worth the extra effort?"
- anonymous

 

[Martin Eddy]

Hilarious

 

[Moloch]

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he wants, But his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets.
The man thinks for a moment and says, "Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me till I'm half dead."

 

[Deepak]

The most romantic first line

A local newspaper ran a competition asking for a rhyme with the most
romantic first line... but the least romantic second line. Here are
some of the entries they received.

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you .
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
empty and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell"

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime

*********

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus.

Dressed up for work, she was wearing a very tight mini skirt.

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus' first step.

So slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus Driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again she tried to make the step onto the bus to discover she still could not make the step.

So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more.

And for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her disgust she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.

So with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offend! in! g skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.

Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you
are!! "
At this the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my pants three times, I kinda figured we were friends.

*******

Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.


Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.


Kovac's Conundrum:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.


Cannon's Karmic Law:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire,
the next morning you will have a flat tire.


O'brien's Variation Law:
If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than
the one you are in now.


Bell's Theorem:
When the body is immersed in water , the telephone rings .


Rubys Principle of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with
someone you don't want to be seen with.


Willoughby's Law:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.


Zadra's Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.


Breda's Rule:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive
last.


Owen's Law:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to
do something which will last until the coffee is cold.


Howden's law:
You remember you have to mail a letter only when you're near the mailbox.

 

[Tahir2]

Owen's Law:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to
do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Hah I came home to forget about work and you had to remind me again.

About the wife thing- mine has gone away for a while to visit her parents and man life is such a bore without all the nagging.