Superheroes

[Frank]

Superman comes home from work.

"Honey! I'm home!"

"Not now, Kent! I had to fill out all the forms to have our neighborhood rebuild, AGAIN, and I had a meeting with the government for most of the day. THEY want to plan OUR time again! I've had it with them! The next time, I'll, I'll..."

"Aw Wondy, don't take it so hard. Let's go out and have a bite. It'll do you good."

Ring!

"Yes, Bruce, what is it?"

"Hi, Kent. Saved the universe today?"

"Yes, yes. Of course. Twice, actually. Whatever. Who cares?"

"Say, I know this great joint in Paris. Are you game?"

"Eh, let me check. I just asked Diana if she wanted to eat out tonight."

"Honey! Do you want to go out? I've got Bruce here on the line, he wants me to go to Paris."

"Fine! Go! I don't care!"

"Aww, Wondy, is it that bad?"

"Sigh. Just go. I'll be fine. Just try and keep the neighborhood in one piece for a change. The government is trying to grill us for that. Again."

"Bats? We have a go. See you in five minutes!"

 

[3dilettante]

Superman still on the phone: (whispering) "It's good of you to call, I think it's Diana's time of the month."

Wonder Woman: "I heard that!"

Superman: "Since when have you had super hearing?"

Wonder Woman: "I paid off the writer."

Superman: "Did you pay for a less bitchy characterization, too?"

Wonder Woman: "I'm saving up for a storyline with a Superman who's not afraid of girls."

Superman: "Real cute, Diana."

Wonder Woman: "I wonder why I don't just leave you."

Superman: "What?! You can't leave me! Women would kill to go out with me. You actually did--three times! I'm the Man of Steel!"

Wonder Woman: (mutters under her breath) "Maybe around boy wonder sidekicks."

Superman: "Oh, like it was real hard for me to hear that. I told you I'm not gay, it's because of the kryptonite."

Wonder Woman: "Maybe you should stop accepting strange glowing gifts from your fans, like that green pair of boxers from A-Lex-a NotLuthor."

Superman: "It's impolite to insult people by not showing gratitude, she was a very nice woman and a great baritone."

Wonder Woman: "You are such an idiot!"

Superman: "I don't have to take this. I'm going out for a drink."

Wonder Woman: "Sure, just when things get all difficult." (tears start to well up in her eyes) " When you have to talk about girly stuff like feelings, or your wife, or not having to be perfect all the time."

Superman: (flying, fingers in his ears) "I'm not listening. lalalalalaalalala"

15 minutes later thanks to Superman's super speed

Paris bar 10:05 pm

Superman and Batman are sitting together at the bar, nursing their drinks.

Superman: sighs

Batman: "Tough day?"

Superman: "Yeah. Never all that easy these days."

Batman: "Luthor try to take over the world again?"

Superman: "Yeah, but it wasn't too bad. He got cocky, said he could juggle the kryptonite crystals that kept me at bay. He couldn't. How about you? Joker get out and kill a few people?"

Batman: "A few dozen, per usual. He's back in Arkham for at least a few days. I tied every employee up and welded the doors shut. That should keep him from slipping out disguised as a pale, insane janitor for at least that long."

Superman: "They do keep getting out somehow, don't they?"

Batman: "I try not to think about it. So today was pretty light, why so down?"

Superman: "Diana and I had a fight again."

Batman: "Was it about Lois again?"

Superman: "No."

Batman: "Lana Lane?"

Superman: "No."

Batman: "Martian Man-hunter?"

Superman: "Oh real funny, the Dark Knight with a gay joke, isn't that just classic."

Batman: "What are you implying?"

Superman: "Nothing, just, just shut up. Look, the neighborhood got trashed again and once again Diana was freaking out. It's not like this doesn't happen all the time."

Batman: "Couldn't you use your super speed to rebuild your neighbors' houses?"

Superman: "Court order. I tried that last time, but I didn't have time to read up on all the building codes and regs. I thought 'hey I'm the Man of Steel, architectural degrees are for pussies', but then the inspectors came and condemned everything as being unsafe. I just wanted to help, now I'm a slumlord. What was the problem? Like balcony railings, what's the point?"

Batman: "That's rough."

Superman: "I can handle civil suits. It's having to deal with the collateral damage."

Batman: "I think they're called 'residents'"

Superman: "More like whiners if you ask me. You're lucky you live up on a cliff over the ocean. You just worry about insurance claims on Wayne Manor."

Reporter in back of bar: "What's this? Wayne Manor? It all makes sense now! Only Bruce Wayne has the resources for Batman's crusade against crime! The loss of his parents, playboy persona, preocuppation with young gymnasts, it all fits!"
(he gets up to leave)

Batman: "Oh, oh that's just freakin' great. You dick!!!" (Yelling) "Thanks a lot Clark! Clark Kent, reporter for the Metropolis Daily Planet! Clark Kent without his stupid glasses!"

Reporter: "A twofer, awesome!" (runs out door)

Superman: "Cripes. Now I have to fly around the world and turn back time."

Batman: (coldly) "You do that."


Paris Bar 10:04 pm

Superman sits next to Batman at the bar

Superman: "Well I'm back. Or was back. I forget how that works when time has no meaning to me. Man I'm awesome."

Batman: "So the reporter doesn't know our identities?" (loudly) "CLARK KENT?"

Reporter: "What's this? Clark Kent? It makes sense now, he's Superman with glasses!"

Superman: "Goddammit you bastard! I'll be right back, don't do it again or I go back and save your parents."

Batman: "You can do that? Why haven't you done it before?"

Superman: "Save them from having you. I'm lying, I can't go back to fix important plot points that don't involve women I'm dating."

Batman: "Can't you make it so you never have to fight with your wife?"

Superman: (scowls) "Marriage will end pretty much anything for you."


Paris Bar 10:03 pm

Superman sits down next to Batman at the bar

Superman: "I'm back."

Batman: "So the reporter doesn't--"

Superman: "I swear I'll plant you face-down on the moon."

Batman: "Easy now."

They nurse their drinks.

Batman is lost in thought.

Batman: "I don't get it, why do I still remember all of this? You turned back time, right?"

Superman: "Dunno. It's like some kind of plot-hole in reality. Or maybe it has to do with how you were right next to me at the moment I'm trying to erase."

Batman: "Do things cease to be if we can still remember them? Like when we--"

Superman: (emphatically) "It...Never...Happened"

 

[Frank]

 

[Frank]

Paris bar 01:23 pm, after a nice amount of alcohol:

"Bats. Tell me something."

"Yeah?"

"You. How do you make it all look so simple?"

"What?"

"Well, you're not married. You only have Robin in secret..."

"HAH! You think so? Robin is a pain in the ass. Or rather, he isn't, he can be so... Whatever. Forget about that. I keep him decent with a short stick. Eh, I mean, not MY stick, which isn't short at all, but I keep him on a short leash, and punish him if needed. I tie him up, and... Sorry. Forget about it.
Gah! What has become of us?"

"Exactly. That's my question. We save the universe, or, in your case (heh, heh) a small city, regulary, and STILL we get a hard time. Nobody respects us."

"Supe, nobody even knows. Well exept for what our writers deem worthy for the comics. And that is just garbage! I mean, most of that didn't even happen, and they have no clue."

"Do you tell your writers what actually happens, Bats? All the details?"

"OF COURSE NOT! Why would I tell those vultures? Why! I rule my city extremely well, thank you very much!"

"Exactly. Nobody knows what we do. We save their butt every day, but are they even grateful? HAH! Not even Diana cares anymore."

"Totally, Clark. Nobody knows me. I'm just a figurehead. A public, whatthaname, eh, person. Nobody cares what I want or need!"

"Go easy on the booze, Bats, you haven't got my superior metabolim."

"Hah."

"Why do we do it? Keep the city free of crime? Save the universe? Nobody cares, and the only thing it accomplishes is that we get all the really nasty supervillans, who want to make their mark by offing us."

"Eh, are you the same guy who donned the Lex undies? You actually make sense!"

"Hey, Bruce! No need to get nasty! I'm just saying it as it is!"

"Burp. Eh, OK. Sorry, Supes. So, what do we do? Fuck them all and do as we like?"

"Exactly. Definitely. Let's get some nice and horny girls and boys, get rid of that Watcher on the Moon and go there. And PARTY!"

"YEAH! I like it! Can you get rid of Robin when we're at it?"

"Sure. As long as you can get rid of you-know-who. It's a deal?"

"Deal. Let's do it!"

 

[Frank]

Some time later, somewhere in Paris:

"Hey, Supes! Those dickheads around here don't even know who we are! If I see a nice butt and I smile at him, he tells me to bugger off, I think!"

"Yeah, Bats. I noticed. They think we're just costumed freaks. Say, what if I destroyed the Eiffel Tower?"

"Nah, forget it, Supes. I want to be idealized. Let's go to New York, and gather some nice butt there."

"Ok. Your call. Where is your jet?"

"At the other side of this park. Let's GO, before we kill them all out of frustration."

"Can't you at least arrange a very violent blast-off, Bats? I have to agree that they get on my nerves pretty badly."

"No problem there, Supes! I'll dump some of the armament at blast off. Make a nice show of it."


New York, 11:36 am:

"Ok Supes, we've got a full load of the right stuff in minutes: lots of nice and horny teenagers for both of us, and enough food and booze to last us a year. Now for the hard part. How are you going to take care of Robin?"

"Don't ask. Give me an hour."

"You've got it. I'll be back by then as well."

"I want something to show me that she is really dead, Bruce. Like, her head. Do you think you can manage that?"

"Why? Of course I can! That you even doubt my word! HRRM. Ok, I'll give you that. And give ME the ... head of Robin as well."

"Very well."

Smile.
Smile.
Bow.
Bow.

"Oh, and Bats... don't become distracted by all the crime you see on your mission. That would not do."

Batman stands tall and silent.

"Shutup, you. This is your turf more than mine. I'll get your prize. Do me proud!"

"Yes!"

 

[3dilettante]

Very North by Northwest of them.
Well, I'm pretty satired-out at the moment. Maybe something will occur to me over the long weekend I will be spending without net access.

See? Where's Superman now when he's needed most?

 

[Frank]

You did great.

Just say the word.

 

[Frank]

I canned my follow up. Go ahead, whomever wants to take a shot at it. More is better.