Misc Jokes

[Deepak]

" ClassiC DefinitionS & CooL Meaning's"

1. Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.

2. Love affairs : Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test.

3. Marriage : It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master.

4. Divorce : Future tense of marriage.

5. Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either".

6. Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

7. Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

8. Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power .

9. Dictionary : A place where divorce comes before marriage.

10. Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.

11. Ecstasy : A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.

12. Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.

13. Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

14. Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

15. Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

16. Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

17. Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

18. Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.

19. Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

20. Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

21. Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

22. Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

23. Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."

24. Pessimist :- A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.

25. Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

26. Father : A banker provided by nature.

27. Criminal : A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.

28. Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

29. Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

30. Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

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SHOCKING TELEGRAMS

TELEGRAM #1
A daughter sends a telegram to her father on her clearing B.Ed exams,
which the father receives as:
"Father, your daughter has been successful in BED."
*********************************************************************

TELEGRAM #2
A husband, while he is on a business trip to a hill station sends a
telegram to his wife: "I wish you were here."
The message received by wife:
"I wish you were her."
*********************************************************************

TELEGRAM #3
A wife with near maturing pregnancy goes to railway station to return
to her husband. At the reservation counter, while her turn came, it was
the last ticket. Taking pity on a very old lady next to her in the
queue,she offered her berth to the old lady and sent a telegram to her
husband which reached as:
"Shall be coming tomorrow, heavy rush in the train, gave birth to an
old lady."
********************************************************************

TELEGRAM #4
A man wants to celebrate his wife's Birthday by throwing a party.
So he goes to order a birthday cake.
The salesman asks him what message he wants to put on the cake.
Well he thinks for a while and says:
Let's put, "you are not getting older you are getting better".
The salesman asks, "How do you want me to put it?"
The man says, Well put "You are not getting older", at the top and
"You are getting better" at the bottom.
The real fun didn't start until the cake was opened the entire party
watched the message decorated on the cake:
"You are not getting older at the top, you are getting better at the
bottom". (my fav)

 

[soylent]

Maybe not conventional humour as such but I found it kinda funny.

The first nuclear reactor pile ever built had an emergency backup mechanism to quench the reaction called SCRAM. It was actually a guy with an axe who was to cut a rope dropping cadmium control rods into the pile if there was an emergency that couldn't be handled. A suggested possible meaning for the acronym is "Safety Control Rod Axe Man".

When trying to build the first atomic bomb some scientists were tasked with experimentally determining the critical mass of U-235 and plutonium. They did this by stacking, very carefully, plutonium and uranium respectively to very slighty below criticality manually without any special protective equipment(!). Experiments of this type became known as "tickling the dragon's tail".(There were two fatal accidents where super critical masses were briefly reached; once when a person dropped a WC brick ontop of a very nearly critical pile of plutonium which briefly brought it super-critical. The other was when a person was keeping two plutonium half-spheres apart using a screw driver and accidentally slipped bringing them togheter for a brief moment before throwing the top one on the floor with his hand).

Shotgun debugging: To make lots of random changes to a program hopping the problem will somehow be perturbed out of existence.

Silly walk: To do accomplish a task in a very inelegant and rediculous manner.

 

[Tahir2]

Why is everyone on the net beginning to spell ridiculous with an "e" ... it is beginning to freak me out!

 

[soylent]

Why is everyone on the net beginning to spell ridiculous with an "e" ... it is beginning to freak me out!

I suffer from a very sexy learning disorder called sex-lexia.

 

[Humus]

Why is everyone on the net beginning to spell ridiculous with an "e" ... it is beginning to freak me out!

Yeah, it's totally rediculous!

Actually, as a non-native english speaker I'm not surprised. It's one of the hardest words to spell, and I find it natural to pronounce it more like "red" than "rid" in the beginning. I've learned to spell the "ridi" part, but I'm still having trouble when it comes to culous (tends to be either colous or coulus).

 

[Deepak]

My wife is an ENT Surgeon while I am a Gynaecologist. This can lead to
some complications, as I recently learned to my anguish. A General
Practitioner called me up and told me that she is sending a patient of
hers for an abortion. Unknown to me, she had also referred a female
with earwax for removal of the wax to my wife.

I duly informed the receptionist to send the patient right in as she
was expected (and expecting!) As Murphy lays down the laws of our
hospital, it was but natural that the patient who wanted the wax
removed from her ear, landed up with me. This is the conversation that
I had with the patient.

"Please come in. Be seated." I said with a big smile. I always have a
big smile, when I am going to earn some money. The patient gave a
feeble smile and sat hesitantly on the edge of the chair. "Relax."

"Doctor, will this hurt a lot?"

"Not at all."

The patient relaxed visibly. "You know something, Doctor, we tried
removing it at home, but failed."

I was shocked. "Thank God. Trying this at home can cause serious
complications."

"I first tried to remove it by jumping up and down, but it just
wouldn't budge."

I smiled and said, "If it were that easy, who would need doctors?"

She gave a cute smile and said, "Yeah! My neighbour tried to remove it
with his finger, but the hole is so small that he used a hair pin."

"Oh my God!"

"Yes! My mother even tried a matchstick."

My blood pressure was shooting skywards. I just sputtered without
uttering a word.

"Tell me, doctor, how do I avoid getting this dirt inside me?"

I knew that it was an unwanted pregnancy, but calling it dirt was too much.
I replied a bit angrily, "There are tablets which can prevent this
happening. Or you could use protection at night."

Now it was the patient's turn to be confused, "You mean to say that it
happens only at night?"

I saw her point. "No! No! I meant anytime of the day, whenever you are
in the mood, you should use protection."


She was even more confused, "It depends on my moods?"


Again I saw her point. "My mistake. You need not be in any sort of
mood. It just happens."

"My neighbour advised me to go to one of those chaps who sit by the roadside."

"You mean that pin man?"

"Yeah!"

This neighbour of hers seemed to be a very dangerous man. Besides
using pins, he was sending her to such quacks. The only safety he knew
was among the pins. "You were wise not to heed his advice."

"But I tried his other advice. He told me to put warm oil inside and wait.
However, that also did not work."

This was getting more and more bizarre. Her neighbour deserved to be
locked up either in a padded cell or a barred one.

"But have you taken your husband's permission?"

Now the patient looked confused. "Do I have to take my husband's
permission? Because if you need his sign, he is working in Dubai. We
were not able to meet for the last one year."

It was my turn to be shocked. I gave a sly smirk. It was one of 'those'
cases. The pin-wielding neighbour seemed to me the usual suspect. I
reassured her. "No! No! The husband's sign is not at all needed."

"However, I did inform him on phone."

Her husband seemed to me a very broad-minded fellow. I didn't know
whether to congratulate her or to commiserate with her. So I hastily
turned to other aspects. "Its good that you came a bit early."

"Actually I wanted to come early in the morning, but I had some other work."

"Oh! I did not mean early today. I meant that if you had delayed this
removal, it would have started moving. Then it would have developed a
heartbeat."

The patient was staring at me wide eyed as if watching a horror movie.
Looking at her face, I decided that she was not fit to listen to the
grotesque details. I decided to relieve her a bit. I said, "You will
bleed a bit, but only for a few days."

By now, the poor patient was trembling, "how-H-How much bleeding?"

"Oh, only slightly more than your menstrual period, and it will
continue only for a week or so."

By now the patient was clutching her hair in her fingers and staring
at me wide-eyed. I asked her soothingly, "Why don't you lie down on
the examination table? Remove your clothes and relax."

This was the final straw. She didn't even wish me goodbye. I saw just
a blur of motion leaving my consulting room at top speed.