DudEz. Da ChEeZe got a ConFeSSion To MakE. I MiGHT aS welL SaY Dis to You ALl perSonAlLY beFore TeKKenMastEr spIlls the secret himself. I've known yOu All for So Long and I ThiNk I owe YoU thiS much.
FiRsTly I jusT wannA say ThAt I neVeR sET out to HurT or DeceIve anyone. IT was jUst sOmthing I diD and Said that stArted geTTing OuT of HaNd. I gUess I evEn beGan believing my Own Lies.
I mean, Da CheeSe liKes beIng here at DSC. I like ReaDing the fan fic, the posts and articles. I lIke GuYs liKe Crowfoot and Loki. ShriKe and PerrIn. Lou and Hudson. But if You aRe upseT wiTh what I hAve to say, then fine, I UnDerStand.
I nevEr Intended foR TekkenMaster to CoMe heRe. I dunnO how he found me afTer all ThEse yeArs. BUt I UnderStanD his AngEr aNd Rage, for like you, I hAvE deceived him.
Now you all know me by the callsign ERRATIC_CHESE, but the fact is that is not my callsign...
That is my real name.
You see two years ago I, ERRATIC_CHEESE, met a chick called Lola who worked for an Artificial Insemination company called Global Sperm. They were doing tests on cattle to see if human semen could fertilize cattle embryos. Eager to indirectly hump cows, I donated six gallons of my love tadpoles to the company.
But due to the incrdible manliness of my sperm, when a cattle embryo was fertilized with my love nectar, a human child was born. Now I use the term "human" loosely. This baby was like total ugly man. Half man, half cow, half cheese. . .this thing looked like Gonzo from the muppet show.
Nevertheless I cared for this child as my own. I breast fed it myself, nurturing it with love. I raised it and cared for it and named it TekkenMaster in honor of my Sensei Pai Wong Tek who in 1843 taught me the art of a Ninjitzu at his Dojo ontop of mount Fuji.
But as the years rolled by, TekkenMaster and I began to grow apart. He began to grow dissatisfied with his life. He was a disfigured and totally ugly cattle-human hybrid, while i was a manly specimen of lust and intertwined sexual organs. He grew to resent me and at 21 years of age he no longer liked drinking from my bosom.
You have to understand, he was a hideously grotesque man-cow with breath that stank of milk, while I was a sexualistic being churned from the milky goodness of heaven itself, there was no way we could live together.
So naturally, TekkenMaster grew to dispise me. He would sneak up on me while i slept in my hammock and he would try to stab me in the face. Sometimes when we were at the beach, he would try to bury me under the sand. And once, when I was in the bathtub making love to the plug hole, he dropped a hairdryer in and almost electrocuted me to death.
So after years of attacks I came to a decision. I had to abandon TekkenMaster. I could no longer care for this boy. I could no longer have him as my son. Yes I know, he may have been my lovechild. He may have been the fruit of my gonads. But he did not appreciate my love. What was I to do?
So I wrapped him in foil paper and threw him into a swamp where he lived out the rest of his life playing with gators. I know it was selfish of me to abandon him. But u gotta understand, he was like a evil version of the elephant man. I didn't know wot to do.
Well time has rolled on, and now my son has found me. I understand his hatred for me and I am sorry for abandoning him in that swamp so many years ago. I guess I am a bad father and I regret the way things turned out.
But all I know is this. If i could roll back time and do things all over again. I'd still hump that cow and dump Tekken's foil-wrapped dumbass in that swamp.
