Not looking for sympathy, but this has been going on for almost a week for me now and it's one thing to see commercials about it but it's quite another when it's you doing it with your father. My dad was hospitalized around a week or 10 days ago, and he ain't gonna get better and come home is all I was told. Also that I couldn't visit or talk to him by phone. Me being me had seen this coming in March and me and him went out and had an afternoon of discussions about what we'd want to talk to each other about if one of us died during covid and we hashed things out pretty well then and I am damned glad we did it now even though I thought it sounded stupid at that time, because worse case just became reality and I'm just super glad he survived through yesterday or I'd forever have to remember that my dad died on my daughter's 21st birthday. So you know how much this sucks, here's a brief excerpt of an e-mail I just sent my brother regarding the situation. (And me and my brother bloody hate each others guts, but I had to make sure he knew about our dad. It's only right. I dialed him in to it as soon as I learned.)
I just wanted to let you know you can get a message to him that he will be able to understand and how. When I found out last night I had a bit of a breakdown but tried, this morning I was successful. Me and Dad had thought this might happen at the beginning of the pandemic so we went out for an afternoon for a "last conversation" where I asked him everything I've ever wanted to know but been afraid to ask and vice-versa, and I got a chance to apologize to him for being such a shit son and thank him for being there when no one else was for me because if it wasn't for him being there for me I wouldn't be where I am now, and I wanted him to know that my daughter turned 21 yesterday and that would never have happened if he hadn't gotten me through the worst of my times.
I wouldn't have had a loving wife and family for the last 25 years if he hadn't been there for me when I really needed it and everyone else had given up on me. I really wanted him to know that because I know he blames himself for all the problems but takes no credit, well with me he deserves it and I gave it to him and am having Lisa remind him of it and to let him know it's ok to let go. We'll be ok without him, he deserves the break.
The nurse I was talking to was holding back tears near the beginning but was outright balling by the time I was done. I don't know exactly what I said because WTF do you say in that situation? But it was something similar to the above with a bit more detail and heart, and she promised to make sure he got the message because she thinks he needs/wants to hear it. She also told me he's dying and they're not sure what from, they don't really have time to find out since he's unsaveable and others are still able to have a life. Don't blame them one bit and I thanked her profusely for her caring for him and her kindness.
I'm not sure I've been entirely sane the last few weeks holding this one in, sorry to dump it but it had to come out sometime for me as it's def covid related I figured this would be a good spot. Give the pandemic that personal touch.
BTW-My dad is 78, smoke 3-4 packs a day for the last 62 years, drank like a fish, was a workaholic who cheated with secretaries and destroyed my family at the age of 16 for me, married the woman he cheated with on and I wished her a horrible/painful death and she died a couple years later of a nasty cancer, stood as his best man for his 3rd and final wife who was a heroin junky and horrible person and as I told my father the reason I would not let my kids be around them. Him fine as long as it was supervised, but never her. Oh, he was a pedophile too. He molested my sister. I don't want to believe that, I don't want to so badly, but I can't not believe my sister and I gotta either accept him in his entirety or not at all.
I also worked with him for over 2 decades at his electrical contractorship and I learned a fuck ton from him. He was our scoutmaster in boy scouts and managed to turn a 2 hour cave trip in to a 16 hour lost in a cave survival adventure that he got me and 6 other kids through. When I was homeless and had been kicked out and disowned by my mom and had no where else to go he fed me, and when I was living homeless under a bridge he used to come out at night when I was sleeping to check on me.
He wasn't the best dad, he fucked up a lot, but he was there for me in my time of need when he didn't have to be and no one else was. You don't forget that kind of shit, not ever.
So if you have the chance please tip a glass to James Edward Hayden II, (yes, my brother is JEH3), who was by no means an angel but was far from a devil and always was willing to lend a hand to a friend, neighbor, or stranger. Cant' say the world is better or worse off without him, but it's gonna be just a touch sadder and lonelier for me for a bit.
Oh, and covid sucks.
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