If you can actually do this do all I'm going to say is I'm very impressed. Maybe I'm too locked in my mental patterns to change. Or maybe I don't really see a need to change. I mean it's obvious that I suffer far more than a lot of people but a lot of time I feel I gain from it, I end up achieving things I otherwise wouldn't. I guess this differs from your experience but I feel I become more focused and goal oriented when I'm depressed (to a certain point anyway).
In my case, I just languish away doing nothing for fear of doing anything, eventually driving myself suicidal. It's usually at that point that I stop, go "WTF?!" and fix things just a bit, before repeating the cycle. It's been this way for nearly a decade, and I'm only 20.
This time though, I intend to break that cycle. I think I've already acquired more than enough skill at being horribly depressed.
So far I've learned the fundamentals of how to be happy, such as how it's a choice to feel happy no matter how scary it may be, followed by a decision that you love about yourself enough to work for self-improvement. Still, I've far from mastered this skill. For example, I don't yet record and track strong emotional states, and neither have I clarified many of the core beliefs I instinctively operate by. However, achieving these things requires directed and consistent effort, which is something I have great difficulty with.
To this end, I'm learning the basics of desired productivity. That is, doing things because I want to do them, not because I'm, say, afraid of the consequences. This skill requires learning why I want to do something, then associating a positive and motivating feeling with that thing. The most common method of doing this is actually trying the thing, in expectation of reinforcing positive results, but it is certainly not the only method. Meditating on the desired association also works well to establish motivation, and for a case as far gone as mine, is often the only realistic option. Either way, I find it's best to develop both logical reasoning and positive association, however you choose to do it.
Part of this process is also learning to accept mistakes positively, followed by eroding previously established fears of imperfection. Again, I follow the dual method of logical reasoning and emotional association. When the fears erupt, I reassure myself, recall the reasons that it's OK, that mistakes don't make me a bad person, and comfort myself with something that brings back happy memories (usually one of my stuffed animals). Once I feel calm and positive again, I deal with the mistake as best I can and move on.
Oh, and yes, I know some of my points may sound childish and silly. However, while many of my emotional responses are highly evolved, there are plenty that are still very childish indeed. I'm not upset about this. I just deal with it for what it is, even if my inner child needs a
lot of attention
, because the alternative is extreme depression and emptiness.
The end goal is to maintain an inner happiness and optimism in the face of whatever external adversity and suffering comes my way. Furthermore, to always act in the fashion that logically yields the most probably profitable result. Then, by that knowledge, truly feel an inner joy, compassion and motivation to act, since I know I'm either caring for myself or another person. Again, when good things do happen, I let myself feel the force of that goodness, dwell on it, and create a strong memory of it. Finally, I have the fortitude to adopt new strategies and habits as I become aware of or invent them.
But now, I'm so tired that I'm not really sure what I'm writing
, so I bid you adieu.
