Grandparents dying

[tongue_of_colicab]

This year is ending really shitty.

One of my grandmothers died about 2 months ago at the age of 85 after suffering from Alzheimer for the past couple of years. I didn't even go and see her last year when I was back home because she was already completely gone mentally and I preferred remembering when I last saw her when she still remembered me and my wife despite only meeting her a couple of times. I was not very sad because I believe my grandmother like I knew her had died long before that.

This morning my other grandmother passed away at 91. Last year they found cancer but after a operation and chemo she was back on her feet again real quick. But last week my mom called me that she was doing really bad. I don't know why my mom didn't tell me before but it appears she was having back pains for the last couple of months and they feared the cancer was back. However at 91 my grandma didn't want to go to the hospital anymore. Fortunately it does seem the really bad part only lasted for a few weeks so she didn't have to suffer too much.

I'm sad I didn't got a chance to talk to her a last time but I'm mostly sad she died despite still being 100% right in the head. It sucks that the body is giving up despite the head still being right.

My remaining granddad isn't doing great either. Losing his wife 2 months ago didn't help but now he's also not sleeping because he is constantly in pain because he needs a hip replacement. He's 90, still perfect in the head department, generally healthy as far as I know, and still wants to live but over the past few weeks he's constantly been asking when I'll be coming back to the Netherlands again. He never did that before so I'm a bit worried he's starting to feel he doesn't have the eternal life. I suppose the surgery is going to be a risk. The doctors initially didn't want to operate because of his old age and the associated high risk but he pushed them to do so because the pain is just too much.

I'm not complaining because for the most part they all had (and have) pretty good and healthy lives for the most part and at 85 and 91 I don't think you can complain about the time that was given to them.

This is also the first time I really feel living so far from home is a downside. I can't just get up and pay them a visit.

 

[AlNom]

My condolences.

 

[orangpelupa]

im sorry to hear that, hopefully the surgery (and post surgery) will be well

 

[digitalwanderer]

Really sorry to hear and I can sort of relate. My father is in the hospital waiting to be transferred to a hospice. He's 78 and probably won't see the end of this week and def not the end of the year. I'm not able to speak to him on the phone since he's incapable and even if they'd let me visit him in the hospital I wouldn't for fear of either making people there sick or getting someone sick from going there. He's not very coherent so conversations are out, but it feels damned weird to know he's only a 30 minute ride, (me driving), away from me and I ain't never gonna see him again. We've had a complicated relationship over our lives, but we got it back together for the last few decades and in March we had a sit down "in case" either of us didn't make it through the year to clear the air/ask any questions we may never get to ask. I'm glad I insisted on that, and gladder still we had it and got everything out.

I'm pretty much the only person from my family who still speaks to my father regularly since my parents got divorced almost 40 years ago. I worked for him in his electrical contractorship from age 8 to at least 25-26 on and off to various degrees and in various capacities, didn't realize how much closer this made me and my brother to him than my sisters who never got involved in it until I talked to my little sister about it. My brother is in Hawaii and won't be coming, and my aunt (his sister) and me get along but all her kids (my cousins) think I'm an evil heartless bastard for using the virus as an excuse not to visit. It's not the only reason, I also can't tolerate his current wife due to her reckless drug usage and making his life miserable for a few decades.

My cousin is probably gonna deliver the eulogy at his funeral and it'll probably involve a lot about what a stuck up, unloving, uncaring son I am/was, but to be honest I really don't give a shit. I know what the what is with me and my father and so does he and I know it, so it's all good. Let them be however they have to in whatever helps deal with their grief.

Only real problem I'm having is I have no clue what is going on and I won't know until after the fact. When people in my family want to know about my dad they call me, I have no clue who to call about it except his sister who wouldn't mind but she's got a lot to deal with and I don't want to make her life harder when there isn't gonna be any good news, she's one of the few people who understands me and my dad's relationship too so it's doubly ok. She's calling my mom with updates so my mom is gonna call me to let me know when he passes.

Sorry, it's been on my mind for over a week now it's just nothing to be done about it. Been making really terrible dad jokes about my dad to my family all week, it's my way of dealing with death, but I know that no matter how I prepare it's gonna hit me like a truck at least for a little bit. For all his faults, (and he had quite a few), he was my dad and I wouldn't be the person I am today if he hadn't raised me...and I wouldn't be here today if he hadn't been there when I really needed him after the rest of the family gave up on me. We had a special sort of tight bond that was honest after that and I really loved it no matter how much his life annoyed me, I will miss him but I hope his suffering ends soon because it doesn't sound like he's himself anymore.

Oh, I don't really know what's wrong. Could be covid, could be his ticker, could be he's old. He's had a quadrapass like me but he was much older and never takes his meds, also he never gave up a 3-4 pack a day cigarette habit he started back in the 1950s. I'm not shocked his body is giving out, I'm more shocked it made it this long.

Thanks for letting me post this, seemed sort of appropriate and a bit more buried than making a thread. Nothing really to talk about with it, it is what it is and it sucks and there ain't nothing to do about it but wait....but damn do it make my brain throw odd memories and feelings at me at times and doesn't make this Decemblur any easier to deal with.

Again, my condolences. Not trying at all to minimize what you're going through, trying to let you know you're not alone with it and I truly get how weird and badly it can suck. Seems so easy to try and justify just one last visit since it's a last visit, but the pandemic is at its worst and this isn't the time to try to bend/break protocol just for selfish reasons.

Love and hugs friend, love and hugs.

 

[eastmen]

I'm really sorry. I only ever met my grand ma's. My dad's mother died at 92 still sharp as a tack and went in her sleep. But my Mom's mother is in her late 80s and doesn't know who anyone is anymore and she had covid and 2 days after finding out she was back up and running. Really amazing. She is in better health than ever she suffered high blood pressure and other stuff but its all gone. But its hard to see her because she isn't who I remember her to be.

My Wife's Mother's mother died about 5 years ago she was diabetic and didn't take care of her self and fell and shattered her leg and never really recovered. Her other grandma went through a decade long decline with Alzheimer's and died last christmas.

But we can't take long lives for granted . My best friend is 45 and needs a new heart and is basically stuck in my basement only going out when i take him to the doctors. So take care of yourself and live to your fullest and enjoy all the moments.

Don't be sad because they are gone , remember all the good times you've had and try and create new good times with your remaining family and friends.

 

[pharma]

Sorry to hear about your grandparents. Hope you find solace in these sad times.