[RudeCurve]

Originally Posted by digitalwanderer

"If you love something, set it free. If it doesn't come back to you, it was never really yours in the first place."

What if it comes back but you've already moved on and found something else?

[digitalwanderer]

Then fuck it.

[Freak'n Big Panda]

Lol interesting choice of words.

[Mize]

Originally Posted by Freak'n Big Panda

Lol interesting choice of words.

no doubt. all I could think was "please don't feed the animals"

NEVER sleep with an ex that was good and gone.

[Freak'n Big Panda]

yeah I did that. twas a bad move. I'd tell the story but it's too horrible a break up for an internet forum such as this. I've become quite jaded since then wrt girls in general but I still have hope.

[ShaidarHaran]

Originally Posted by Freak'n Big Panda

yeah I did that. twas a bad move. I'd tell the story but it's too horrible a break up for an internet forum such as this. I've become quite jaded since then wrt girls in general but I still have hope.

Then do what I do and detach yourself emotionally in the beginning. If there's anything worth having, it'll come naturally. Just have fun in the meantime (i.e. GO GET IT!)

[Mize]

Originally Posted by ShaidarHaran

Then do what I do and detach yourself emotionally in the beginning. If there's anything worth having, it'll come naturally. Just have fun in the meantime (i.e. GO GET IT!)

Shame on you. Confession for sure.

[_xxx_]

Originally Posted by Kaotik

Trying no matter what options was there mainly due the fact that I'm on a good way back to where i was in the teenages - and i really wouldn't want to re-enter the world filled with pills which are supposed to make you feel happy while they at best make you feel a bit less crappy. The bad part is that if this relationship will end, I'm quite sure I will end up down on that road again, and I also know that just finding someone to be besides me, while it would help, wouldn't get me out from there just like that.
Being extremely dependant mentally on having someone next to you, more than a friend, is sucky thing to be, but can't really help it either, and I know from experience that just "someone" there doesn't help me, I've had two relationships in my life where I felt honestly happy on those regards, the rest were.. well, they did help, but they never made me really happy no matter how nice they treated me

Very simple, then you need a good therapist. Maybe several. No relationship will ever work unless you learn to be independant and self-sufficiant and get a grip of your own life. Anything else ends up in co-dependence, as you can see. That is not a nice way to spend the rest of your life. It's all up to you, you have to decide for yourself and start working towards self-improvement. It's really not about women at all, it's only about you and what you make of what you have.

[_xxx_]

Originally Posted by digitalwanderer

Then fuck it.

Exactly.

[_xxx_]

If I may recommend you some literature that helped many people, me included (work them in this order):

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Healing-Sham...7691645&sr=8-2
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Homecoming-R...7691645&sr=8-1
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Family-Secre...7691645&sr=8-7
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Crea-Creatin...7691645&sr=8-3

Don't think of those as cheap self-help crap, they will give you clarity and help you find out pretty much everything about your inner motives. The books are just a vehicle, certainly you MUST be honest with yourself during the self-analysis. After you're done with those, seek a good therapist to help you with the last quirks.

And you will need lots of courage and endurance to do it, but it's worth it. It's your life, you don't have another.

[MfA]

Those seem good books to learn how to hate your parents.

[_xxx_]

I knew there will be a know-it-all anal reaction, that was a given

Actually thanks to these you'll probably learn how to _stop_ hating your parents, because you'll understand them better.

[digitalwanderer]

You forgot to list Dianetics, lots of self-help there too.

[_xxx_]

You know the 12-step program for alcoholics, digi? That's the guy who invented it. It's not a semi-religious crap but serious stuff used by psychologists all around the world.

[MfA]

Indeed, I wouldn't call the 12 step program semi religious ... it's pretty hard on religious (you can secularize it, but that's not the original form). I don't think Bradshaw is old enough to have invented it though

[_xxx_]

He invented the modern version, not talking about the Dr. Bob stuff from 1939. And as for his refernces to god, if you bothered reading further you would have realized that it's not the god in religious sense, but whatever the patient chooses to be his "god", as in something that he feels connected with spiritually. There is an anecdote with one patient who came crying "They killed my god!", his god being an old tree someone fell at some point.

I'm a total atheist, so the last thing I'd recommend to anyone would be some sort of religious crap.

[MfA]

So what if you are an atheist who doesn't believe in spirits?

[_xxx_]

Err, huh? That's a purely imaginative point of refernce, nothing to do with spirits or such. Just anything you want, something to make you have discipline while you go through the excercises. When I did it back then, I chose my favourite guitar as my spiritual reference, because music is the only thing I truly love. But that's absolutely irrelevant, you don't need that at all if you are determined to go through the self-reflection on your own. Just skip that and do the purely psychological part.

The first two books literally saved me from suicide and while I read "Homecoming" and did the excercises, I often had to sincerely cry like a little kid. To put it simple, he nailed it spot-on. It made me truly honestly look deep inside without a "filter" of everyday habits and trained patterns and helped me to stay objective while evaluating myself. That is the real gain from his books, not the actual content. You are the one doing it all, not some outsider with his head stuck up his academical arse. And you can't lie to yourself.

The usage of the term "god" is not related to religion or anything such, he speciffically emphasises that every time he mentions the term. I guess he chose that term due to his background as a theologist, but it really isn't about that at all.

[Sonic]

_xxx_ offers some good advice here.

I broke it off with my fiance last year just 6 weeks before the wedding. We were in a long distance relationship and she just was too hesitant on moving away from the east coast to San Francisco. She was independent in a sense but not when it came to defending her actions and decisions to her mother. Her mom would criticize all the decisions she would make and yes about even moving across country to be with the man she loved. It was a pain in the ass and I kept trying to get her to stand up for herself. One day I was in Golden Gate Park and I had an epiphany. Why the hell should I waste my time with a girl who's obviously not ready for the type of relationship I want/need. I dropped her that day over the phone and haven't spoken to her sense. I feel no need for closure or anything of that sort.

I was holding onto the relationship the entire time in SF, while living a life of my own without her. No cheating or anything just things that she didn't approve of like smoking weed. Of course I would continue to smoke weed even if she was "morally" against it, I don't have those typical feelings of guilt in a relationship. But still I held on to what I had. Letting go of that relationship was easy for me, becaue I had realized I was a pathetic loser trying to hold it together and still get married to a chick whom doesn't even fit me at all.

Letting go is the best thing one can do. It allows you to move on with your life and focus on you. You only live once, and if some person is making you unhappy then gt out now while you still can. It's up to you to make your happiness. A significant other should really complement your life and not be the answer to happiness.

[John Reynolds]

Reading this thread makes me realize I need a divorce.

[I.S.T.]

I hope that was a joke.

[digitalwanderer]

Of course John was joking, have you ever seen his wife?!?

Originally Posted by _xxx_

You know the 12-step program for alcoholics, digi? That's the guy who invented it. It's not a semi-religious crap but serious stuff used by psychologists all around the world.

I know and for the people it works for I'm glad for 'em, but I'm not a big believer in the 12-step program. I tried it once, REALLY tried it for about a year and it just wasn't the right path for me.

The whole "necessity of a god concept" blew it for me, it really did. I don't see the need for a god in daily life, I just really don't.

[_xxx_]

That's probably because you understood it in a sort of religious context I guess? Or did the therapy group steer it towards that? The concept is as mentioned not religious at all and not even needed. That's just for people who need some external "power" as a supplement for lacking inner strength and self-control.

[Kaotik]

This is just brilliant, what ever I felt before, now I'm just plain confused
After deciding not even thinking of anything else but letting everything go, we've had some talks about her future, she said that what ever she does, she won't be coming back to Turku anyway.
Until last wednesday, I wake up in the morning to her question over the phone - "Can I come back home?"
Well what else could I say but 'of coure' - I love her and all anyway, and she was here for couple days before going to her mothers for the weekend (premade plans).. and now I'm just totally confused over the whole situation. She made nothing pointing to that she'd want to still be with me, but then again, she did something she had just couple days before said she wouldn't do no matter what, come back here

[nutball]

Sounds to me very much like she's decided that you're over with, and is waiting for the next one to come along. But in the interim, while there is no other, she'll use you as an emotional walk-stick.

Women don't like to be single from my experience. They'll stick around in a relationship which is basically over until they're guaranteed to be able to move straight into another relationship without an intervening period of singleness. If you happen to be the bloke in the first relationship, hoping that sticking together despite the problems will see things turn round and be OK again, you're likely to get hurt and disappointed when the new bloke turns up (which he will eventually). She's already made up her mind but lacks the courage to end it with nothing else on the immediate horizon.