[Kaotik]

When do you know it's the time to let go of the one you love?
Is there even such time if you know she is the one you love, the "right one" so often referred in literature and movies and whatnot?

I've been pondering of this for the past month or two now.

I was going to write the whole story, shortened, first but I had some second thoughts and just saved it in a text file if I should ever reconsider posting it here.

To put it in summarized, everything went great, we got engaged, got and repaired an aparment to fit our taste, she had secured a studying spot from a school nearby for the forthcoming autumn, I had finally started to take proper "grip" of my life and get something done properly for once.
Then she did some things that made me eventually jealous, mostly due the fact that I didn't really know what was going on, and she seemed to avoid talking of some things. So, I did something that hurt her trust to me (no, I didn't cheat on her), but we got over it by talking, until it happened again, and then again.
Obviously, gaining her trust again would be next to impossible, but it was more or less the same the other way too.
When we had some talks, I started feeling more and more used all the time.

After talking to my many of my friends, majority thinks that she shouldn't have gotten hurt from what I did, many even said that what I did was justified, there was nothing wrong with it.

To cut to the point, is losing trust and being used by someone even though you love her a point where you should just give up, especially if the one you love doesn't seem too anxious about the possibility of continuing living together, or should one just keep trying and trying no matter what?

The reason I'm even posting it here, is that there's people with life experience here, people that don't really know me at all, so they can give complete outsiders point of view on it.
The other reason is that things I thought I had been able to get past nearly 10 years ago have come back to me, and they lead to a road I really wouldn't want to take, no matter which turns I would choose along the road.

[Mize]

A house built on a cracked foundation is a bad thing. No way to know from your post if things are reparable, but I'm guessing you're relatively young to have had what seem to be "games" going on in your relationship, yes?

[Kaotik]

Originally Posted by Mize

A house built on a cracked foundation is a bad thing. No way to know from your post if things are reparable, but I'm guessing you're relatively young to have had what seem to be "games" going on in your relationship, yes?

26 in couple months, so I guess that would qualify as "relatively young", I'm not 110% sure I understand the rest of the phrase though, I'm not native with english

[Mize]

Yes, 26 is relatively young IMHO. I think most men are ready for marriage by 40 and most women by 30 ish

The rest is this...the term "games" in the context of relationships is the act of behaving in a manipulative and/or dishonest manner in order to get revenge or to make the other person change their behavior - for example a person might ignore their partner and go out with friends to make them feel bad about forgetting a birthday or something. "Games" are bad. Honesty is much better.

[Kaotik]

Originally Posted by Mize

Yes, 26 is relatively young IMHO. I think most men are ready for marriage by 40 and most women by 30 ish

The rest is this...the term "games" in the context of relationships is the act of behaving in a manipulative and/or dishonest manner in order to get revenge or to make the other person change their behavior - for example a person might ignore their partner and go out with friends to make them feel bad about forgetting a birthday or something. "Games" are bad. Honesty is much better.

Oh, now I understand what you meant. There was no forgotten things, though, but getting me to change my behaviour could be one thing indeed, I had been "slacking" on getting things done - I had already made some change to the better and knew I had made the change already inside, it just needed to get the chance to get shown, which it didn't.. The bad part is that doing that change hasn't seemed to do anything really

For the age.. perhaps you're right about those ages, but if one wants a family (which isn't two families put together to form a new one etc), 40 is kinda old already

[_xxx_]

How you know it is easy, listen to your gut. In your case, with little data you gave, it's a typical case of a girl dragging a "security blanket" behind just in order to have someone until she finds something "better" on her scale, at which point she'll drop you mercilessly. You said yourself that you felt used - well that is exactly the case. Not because she is bad or anything, that's just how the female brain works. No need for any bad feelings towards her, avoid that line of selfish thinking.

The time is now, cut it and never go back.

Also, it's very probable that her insecurity will get to her again after some time and she'll want to get back together for another try, "this time for real and no mistakes" and such - don't fall for it, it'll end even worse and hurt even more. Just make a clean cut, thank her for the great times you shared and part with her as a friend (if still possible). Anything else will end in way more pain and tears. It's an old game that's been played for milions of years in many variations but it always ends up in this situation you have now. Also, learn to be less forthcoming and friendly, however hard it may be for you depending on your nature. It's a necessity, not just an option.

[_xxx_]

"Trying no matter what" is sheer stupidity, don't even think along these lines. The person you want around you shold be loving and caring and share similar basic views on relationships and life, anything else is just masochistic and counter-productive.

[Mize]

That doesn't mean there won't be stressful situations that create huge friction between loving and caring people with similar basic views.

[Freak'n Big Panda]

Well a relationship is suppose to make you happy. So if you find yourself in a relationship in which your stressed out more then you are happy think about calling it quits. A general rule of thumb I follow is that if there are issues that eat at my mental energy on a day to day basis I end it. Relationships need to be easy and comfortable to be enjoyable IMO.

[Kaotik]

Originally Posted by _xxx_

"Trying no matter what" is sheer stupidity, don't even think along these lines. The person you want around you shold be loving and caring and share similar basic views on relationships and life, anything else is just masochistic and counter-productive.

Trying no matter what options was there mainly due the fact that I'm on a good way back to where i was in the teenages - and i really wouldn't want to re-enter the world filled with pills which are supposed to make you feel happy while they at best make you feel a bit less crappy. The bad part is that if this relationship will end, I'm quite sure I will end up down on that road again, and I also know that just finding someone to be besides me, while it would help, wouldn't get me out from there just like that.
Being extremely dependant mentally on having someone next to you, more than a friend, is sucky thing to be, but can't really help it either, and I know from experience that just "someone" there doesn't help me, I've had two relationships in my life where I felt honestly happy on those regards, the rest were.. well, they did help, but they never made me really happy no matter how nice they treated me

Originally Posted by Freak'n Big Panda

Well a relationship is suppose to make you happy. So if you find yourself in a relationship in which your stressed out more then you are happy think about calling it quits. A general rule of thumb I follow is that if there are issues that eat at my mental energy on a day to day basis I end it. Relationships need to be easy and comfortable to be enjoyable IMO.

The bad part is that it's me of us 2 who would want the relationship to continue more, i know i would be happy if i could make her stay, and i believe she would be happy too, if not immediately, at least as soon as she would regain the trust for me

[Freak'n Big Panda]

The bad part is that it's me of us 2 who would want the relationship to continue more, i know i would be happy if i could make her stay, and i believe she would be happy too, if not immediately, at least as soon as she would regain the trust for me

If you need to force somebody to stay in a relationship then you can be 100% sure it's time to end it. If there's no trust you really should just break it off. I look at relationships like investments, if they're taking mental resources I drop them very quickly. They're suppose to do the opposite after all. What did you do anyways? Did you cheat on her? make out with another girl?

[Mize]

From everything you're writing here it's time to cut your losses. Life moves on and every change is an opportunity.

[Davros]

Originally Posted by Kaotik

(no, I didn't cheat on her),

just because its a goat doesnt mean its not cheating

[Kaotik]

Originally Posted by Davros

just because its a goat doesnt mean its not cheating

Heh, ye, but in this case, more along the lines of intrusion of her privacy, read her logs/sms after she started acting.. well, different about some things. I think it's illegal (similar to how opening/reading someone elses mail is), but I know it's something that many considering being perfectly ok in relationship, i'm myself on a bit neutral ground on it, i understand both views, and wouldn't mind if someone read mine since there's really nothing there to "hide" or anything.(while others think it's about the end of the world)

Originally Posted by Freak'n Big Panda

If you need to force somebody to stay in a relationship then you can be 100% sure it's time to end it. If there's no trust you really should just break it off. I look at relationships like investments, if they're taking mental resources I drop them very quickly. They're suppose to do the opposite after all. What did you do anyways? Did you cheat on her? make out with another girl?

Like I said, no I didn't cheat on, what I did is described above.
Regarding "forcing", it's not at that point (yet), more along the lines of being able to show her the reasons why I would like to continue, and why I think it would be good for her too. I'm around 100% positive from what she talked that she isn't sure herself what she really wants, if she wants to continue or not.

[Mize]

Paranoia (aka snooping with no good cause) is a reflection of a lack of self-confidence.
By the same token, keeping sms/im private from a pseudo spouse is inherently suspicious...

[Kaotik]

Originally Posted by Mize

Paranoia (aka snooping with no good cause) is a reflection of a lack of self-confidence.
By the same token, keeping sms/im private from a pseudo spouse is inherently suspicious...

That sounds like me, the lack of self-confidence part, for sure. However at least I believe I had a "proper cause" as she started acting like never before for the time I've known her regarding few things, like what she was talking about with people etc, and it happened after he met one of her friends she hadn't met before, but had talked with before - just not as much.

[digitalwanderer]

"If you love something, set it free. If it doesn't come back to you, it was never really yours in the first place."

'Course I used to follow it differently, but I've mellowed considerably since then:

"If you love something, set if free. If it doesn't come back to you, hunt it down and kill it."

[Mize]

Originally Posted by Kaotik

That sounds like me, the lack of self-confidence part, for sure. However at least I believe I had a "proper cause" as she started acting like never before for the time I've known her regarding few things, like what she was talking about with people etc, and it happened after he met one of her friends she hadn't met before, but had talked with before - just not as much.

I was once curious about some odd behavior - turned out to be a surprise party

[Kaotik]

Originally Posted by Mize

I was once curious about some odd behavior - turned out to be a surprise party

I wouldn't want to go to details about what was in the logs, but it wasn't a party and she hadn't cheated on me

[digitalwanderer]

NEVER go snooping someone elses logs!

And if you do, do NOT get caught...what kind of geek are ya, was your voodoo weak that day?

[Kaotik]

Originally Posted by digitalwanderer

NEVER go snooping someone elses logs!

Ye, that's the thing, some think it's normal and nothing wrong with it, some think it's the end of the world

And if you do, do NOT get caught...what kind of geek are ya, was your voodoo weak that day?

I didn't get caught, I told her myself. And what kinda geek am I? Someone who has low to none self-confidence, can get jealous and suspicious when someone close to me starts acting strange, avoiding certain subjects and questions which were never before an issue

[digitalwanderer]

Ah, the old guilty confession. It's bitten me many a time too, that sucks.

Next time my advice would be that sometimes sharing info isn't the best thing, sometimes when you fuck up and do something like that you should just keep it to yourself. You sometimes have to ask yourself, will doing this make them feel better or me?

Sorry to hear, but it doesn't sound good.

[Kaotik]

Originally Posted by digitalwanderer

Ah, the old guilty confession. It's bitten me many a time too, that sucks.

Next time my advice would be that sometimes sharing info isn't the best thing, sometimes when you fuck up and do something like that you should just keep it to yourself. You sometimes have to ask yourself, will doing this make them feel better or me?

Now only thing I need to learn is how to do things for myself.. too bad i have no idea how, i've always put everyone else first, i always try to make things the way others want, i'm always trying to make the other(s) happy.

[Freak'n Big Panda]

Well always catering to the others wants/desires is a recipe for disaster. You need to be happy yourself if you want the relationship to work at all

[RudeCurve]

Originally Posted by Kaotik

I'm around 100% positive from what she talked that she isn't sure herself what she really wants, if she wants to continue or not.

Well there it is, if she doesn't know what she wants then the question is..are you willing to wait until she finds out what she wants? How long are you willing to wait? What if you wait a long time and then she decides she doesn't want to continue? If you decide to wait you need to give her a deadline and if by that time she still doesn't know what she wants then it's time to end it.