[Deepak]

had barely sat down in the loo when I heard a voice from the other
side saying: "Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom but I
don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
"Doin' just fine!"

And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too
bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear
another question. "Can I come over?"

OK, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just
be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, "No........I'm a
little busy right now!!!"

Then I hear the guy say nervously... "Listen, I'll have to call you
back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my
questions!!!"

Ole`!!!

[Vadi]

Two turtles go camping and pack a cooler with sandwiches and beer. After three days of walking, they arrive at a great spot but realize they've forgotten a bottle opener. The first turtle turns to the second and says, "You've gotta go back and get the opener or else we have no beer."

"No way," says the second. "By the time I get back, you will have eaten all the food."

"I promise I won't," says the turtle. "Just hurry!"

Nine full days pass and there's still no sign of the second turtle. Exasperated and starving, the first turtle digs into the sandwiches. Suddenly, the second turtle pops out from behind a rock and yells, "I knew it! I'm not f-cking going!"

[101998]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but
knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the
newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him
around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put
in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the
two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day,
the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good
job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town an kick up your
heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no
hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he
found the
rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting
for him. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and
take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take
off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my
socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching
her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra." Again, with!
trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
"Now," she said, "take off my panties."By the light of the fire, he slowly
pulled them down and off.













Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town
again, you're fired."

[AAlcHemY]

A nine year old boy asks his mother, "Is God male or female?"
After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well God is both male and female."
This confuses the boy, so he asks, "Is God black or white?"
"Well," she says, "God is both black and white."
This really confuses the boy, so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?"
Feeling a bit out of her depth, but wanting to be consistent, the mother answers, "Honey, God is both gay and straight."
At this the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks...
"Is Michael Jackson God?"

[sytaylor]

The good news is saddamn hussien will face the death penalty


...


The bad news is David Beckham is taking it!

I liked a James Bond based one if i can remember it. Goes something like.

James Bond walks into a casino where he sits next to a very attractive woman and orders a Martini shaken not stirred. The woman is intrigued by his watch, and he explains it is a very special watch. He says it has "xray" vision, to which the woman is skeptical. He says "you want proof? You are wearing no underwear right now". To which he replies... "Damn that Q, its an hour fast"

[cloudscapes]

what is big, black, has four legs, and will kill you coming out of a tree

a piano

---

why did peter die

he was under the tree

---

whats the hardest part of eating a vegetable

the weelchair
(bound to get a few boos for that one )

[rabidrabbit]

Didn't get the Bond joke :?

[epicstruggle]

A man walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He sits down at the bar and orders a beer. The next thing you know, the monkey runs over to the pool table and jumps up on top of it. The monkey picks up the cue ball, puts it in its mouth and swallows it.

The bartender says to the monkey's owner, "Did you see what your monkey just did? He just swallowed a cue ball!"

The guy gets up, grabs his monkey and leaves, ranting that he can't take it anywhere.

About a week later, the guy returns to the bar again with the monkey. He sits down at the bar and orders a beer. The next thing you know, the monkey jumps up on the bar and starts doing his monkey tricks. Then the monkey grabs a peanut and shoves it up its ass. Then the monkey takes the peanut out of its ass and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted and says to the monkey's owner, "Your monkey just ate a peanut that he had just shoved up his ass!"

The monkey's owner replies, "What do you expect? After that cue ball, he measures everything first before he eats it!"

[epicstruggle]

A husband and wife, out enjoying a round of golf, were about to tee off on the third hole, which was lined with beautiful homes. The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice - her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window. Much to her surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces.

They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what happened. When they peeked inside the house, they found no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a small gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head.

The wife asked the man, "Do you live here?"

"No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there, freeing me from that little bottle. I am so grateful!" he answered.

The wife asked, "Are you a genie?"

"Oh, why yes I am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes, and the third I will keep for myself," the man replied.

The husband and wife agreed on two wishes - one was for a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever.

The genie nodded his head and said, "Done!"

The genie now said, "For my wish, I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years, and after all, I made you a scratch golfer and a millionaire."

The husband and wife agreed.

After the genie and wife were finished, the genie asked the wife, "How long have you been married?"

To which she responded, "Three years."

The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?"

To which she replied, "31 years old"

The genie then asked, "And how long has he believed in this genie crap?"

[epicstruggle]

[epicstruggle]

Originally Posted by rabidrabbit

Didn't get the Bond joke :?

james bond always gets the girl. his pick up line is that within an hour she will be in his bed.

epic

[digitalwanderer]

My fave joke to really annoy people:

Me: You ever notice how ducks fly in a V-formation when they fly south for the winter?

Target: Yeah.

Me: Have you ever noticed that one side of the V is always longer than the other side?

Target: Yeah.

Me: Have you ever wondered why that is?

Target: Yeah, why is that?

Me: Simple, there are more ducks on that side.

Target: <groan>

[london-boy]

Originally Posted by epicstruggle

I need more of those!!!!!!!! I sent it to everyone i know!!

[MuFu]

What do you call an Arab with a piece of meat on his head?

Hahmed.



Why did the little girl fall off the swing?

She had no arms.

[rabidrabbit]

I'm a little slow at getting the jokes today, I only just got that joke in that "men request strangest things..." pic.
Though that must be because english is not my native language.

[Simon F]

Originally Posted by rabidrabbit

I'm a little slow at getting the jokes today, I only just got that joke in that "men request strangest things..." pic.
Though that must be because english is not my native language.

It's also probably mostly a North American slang term.

Somewhere I've got 100s of kB of jokes collected from aus.jokes... but I can't find them right now. However, I can contribute:




A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an
electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic
navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze,
the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to
steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a
handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's
sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a
large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE
IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to
steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the
"YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building
because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct
but completely useless answer."

[Diplo]

George Bush met The Queen at Buckingham Palace in London. After talking for a while George turns round and says:
"As I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing how the country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom".

To which the Queen replies, "I'm sorry Mr Bush, but to be a Kingdom you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King".

George Bush thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?", to which the Queen replied "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr Bush".

Bush thought long and hard and came up with, "How about an Empire then"? The Queen, getting a little T'ed off by now replied, "Sorry again, Mr Bush, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor, I'm afraid."

Before George Bush could utter another word, The Queen added : "However, I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country"...

[Guden Oden]

WOOSH!

[Basic]

Why do I think of a PoverVR guy when someone talks about audiences with The Queen?


OK, here's a groaner for the engineers out there.

Q: Why should you never use a copilot from Poland if you want a stable flight.
A: Never put a pole in the right half plane.

[RussSchultz]

Ever so bad.

[digitalwanderer]

Originally Posted by Diplo

George Bush met The Queen at Buckingham Palace in London. After talking for a while George turns round and says:
"As I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing how the country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom".

To which the Queen replies, "I'm sorry Mr Bush, but to be a Kingdom you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King".

George Bush thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?", to which the Queen replied "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr Bush".

Bush thought long and hard and came up with, "How about an Empire then"? The Queen, getting a little T'ed off by now replied, "Sorry again, Mr Bush, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor, I'm afraid."

Before George Bush could utter another word, The Queen added : "However, I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country"...

Originally Posted by Guden Oden

WOOSH!

She's implying that Bush is a cunt. "Country=count=cunt"

[Guden Oden]

Originally Posted by digitalwanderer

She's implying that Bush is a cunt. "Country=count=cunt"

Ah, I see... Well you're too cunning a bunch of linguists for me.

Joke (funny):
A little girl was playing in the garden when she spied two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.

"That's a daddy long legs," her father answered.

"So, the other one is a mommy long legs?" the little girl asked.

"No," her father replied. "Both of them are daddy long legs."

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat.

"Well, we're not having any of THAT in our garden."[/quote]

[GameCat]

A Rabbi and a catholic priest are sharing a compartment on a longish train ride. There has been an uncomfortable silence for a while, so finally the priest asks:

"So, Rabbi, I hear that men of your persuasion are not allowed to eat pork, is this true?"
"Yes", answers the Rabbi, "We can't eat pork."
"And have you ever caved in to the temptation and tried some?"
"Well, yes" says the rabbi, "Once in my twenties I tried some bacon".
"AHA!" the priest shouts triumphantly. "Did you like it?"
"Why yes, it was quite nice."

Anoter uncomfortable silence follows and then the rabbi asks:

"Tell me father, is it true that men of your faith are not allowed to have sexual relations with a woman?"
"Hrm, why yes, that is correct" answers the priest, somewhat uncomfortably.
"And have you ever succumbed to temptation and been with a woman?"
"I certainly have not! Never!" replies the priest somewhat offended.

"That's a shame" says the rabbi, "It sure beats bacon".

[Humus]

An ion walks into a bar and says "i think i left an electron here lastnight".
The bartender says "are you positive?"





Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip?
To get to the same side.

[Deepak]

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail. Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've reached
Date: 16 May 2002

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just reached and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to Seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

Yours'..............

**************

A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.

He asks, "What was that for?"

She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with ’Betty Sue’ written on it."

He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? ’Betty Sue’ was the name of the horse I went there to bet on." She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he’s reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.

He asks, "What was that for?"

She answers, "Your horse called."

**********************

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared,
"Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!

Later, the lion confronts a ox and fiercely bellows,
"Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The terrified ox stammers, "Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!"

On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it’d been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away.

The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant -

"Just because you don’t know the answer, you don’t have to get so upset about it!"