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A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing the following elements:
The prize-winning essay read:
'My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it!"
What did George Bush get on his S.A.T.'s?
nasty, joke alert
Someone on counterstrike voice-chat told this one to me the other day
A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street and see a young boy playing. The priest turns to the rabbi and says "psst, hey, let's go fuck that little boy"
The rabbi turns and says "..out of what?"
OMFG....I cant believe you just told that joke here.....<----really shocked.
I never knew DC takes after me. :lol:
A man goes into prison for the first time. He's shown to his cell and meets his cellmate who's a huge strapping bloke by the name of Bubba. As soon as they're left alone, Bubba says:
"OK, new boy. Do you want to be the mummy or the daddy in this cell?"
The man thinks for a bit and decides that he doesn't really fancy either, but on balance being the daddy would probably be less painful
"I'll be the daddy, then" he tells Bubba.
"OK, come over here and suck mummy's c*ck!"
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess." "What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, "don't count your chickens before they're hatched." "That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?"
Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke and then she killed the last ten with her bare hands!"
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Stay the f**k away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."
Q: Why do women fake orgasms?
A: Because they think we (men) care.
There are a sausage and an egg sizzling away in a frying pan.
The egg turns to the sausage and says, "Phew, it's hot in here, isn't it?"
The sausage says, "F*ck me, a talking egg!"
Q: Why does it take 3 women with P.M.S. to change a light-bulb?
A: BECAUSE IT JUST DOES, DAMNIT!!
Did you hear about the well-known Irish homosexual couple?
William Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzwilliam.
What do you call a lesbian dinasaur?= a Lickalotapuss
Did you hear about the two lesbians who built their own house?...they didnt use any studs....they did it all tongue-in-groove....
This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. known as:
"Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS).
Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS.
We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.
Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS.
Last week my secretary said to me, "I'm a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before." I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS.
There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS.
This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, "here, stick this in MYASS."
A guy rushes into a hotel lobby and bumps hard into a woman who was about to walk out.
The guy: "I am so sorry, miss. If you heart is as soft as your breast, you will surely forgive me."
The woman: "Well, if your d*ck is as hard as your elbow, do come by the room 219."
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